Nothing but headlines. You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.
Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.
Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.
36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last. I wish I were dead.”
Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.
Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.
Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.
Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.
Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.
Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!
Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.
Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’ ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”
Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!
MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal piss.
What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.
Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?” *** “How do you think? Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you. God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”
Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!