Millions Of Americans Upside-Down On Car Loans

By Smaktakula

Hard-Working Americans Can No Longer Consider Their Cars A Solid Investment.

When Martin Johnson bought his 2009 Kia Spectra two years ago, he had every reason to believe he was making a solid investment.   Car ownership has traditionally been a lifelong dream for many Americans, including Johnson, whose parents had owned a vehicle when he was growing up.  “I remember how proud Dad was of that thing,” Johnson says, remembering the 1978 AMC Pacer that served as the family’s vehicle for fourteen years and would inspire the younger Johnson to purchase an automobile of his own.  “I’d been renting a car for years.  Ownership just seemed like the next step.”

As Unbelievable As It Sounds, If Current Trends Continue, Detroit May Someday Become An Unlivable Hell-Hole.

When he went to apply, Johnson found that it was easy to get a car loan–almost too easy.  “I see now that it was irresponsible lending practices,” he admits, “But at the time, I just thought, ‘Well all right!  A Car.'”  Johnson fell for what experts say is the biggest scam in the industry.  “Automobiles are dogs; they’re only going to lose value,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a vehicle-investment guru, “And the car companies already  know that!”

"I Thought A Hummer Would Provide Much-Needed Financial Security In My Old Age!"

Like many people, Johnson viewed his automobile purchase as a nest egg.  “I thought I’d take my $15,250 investment, put in a couple thousand in upgrades, then turn around and sell it for $25,000 or so.  That’s the American dream, right?”  The question hangs in the air, as much an indictment on the times as an interrogative.

Washington Fatcats Don't Pay For Their Own Automobiles--The Taxpayers Do!

But like many Americans, Johnson is learning the hard way that the dream may have died.  Just two years on, he’s had to come to terms with his rapidly-failing  investment.  “I looked in the Kelly Blue Book this morning,” he says, trying to hold back bitter tears, “$7,200 dollars.  Just $7,200 left of my $15K.  It’s criminal.”  Johnson will most likely have to sell–at a loss–the car he once viewed as his family’s nest egg.  “That’s the hardest part,” he says, “Explaining to my boy that now he may never go to college.  When he asks ‘Why?,’  just what am I supposed to tell him?”

Greedy Capitalists Have Been Fleeing Auto Investments For Years. The Real Money's In Helicopters These Days.

Already Washington is besieged by desperate pleas for relief from thousands of soon-to-be-carless Americans.  Johnson believes it was the government and the Wall Street fatcats who got the nation into this predicament, but lacks the same certainty that these institutions have the wherewithal or desire to bail the country out.  Johnson may be more fortunate than most, since he has been planning for such an economic catastrophe for some time.   “I’ve spent the last several years trying to diversify my portfolio,” he says, referring to the collection of Beanie Babies he has locked away somewhere in the garage.  “Once I liquidate those suckers, I’ll be sitting pretty once again.”

The Huge Financial Windfall Smaktakula Will Receive From The Liquidation Of His Collectible Assets Should Give Him The Funds To Wreak A Terrible Vengeance Upon His Many Enemies.

Fatcats!  We just love saying it. ∞T.
About these ads
This entry was posted in Culture, News, Stupidity and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Millions Of Americans Upside-Down On Car Loans

  1. sveedish says:

    Can you put me in touch with Mr. Johnson? I’m very interested in his beanie baby collection.

  2. Smaktakula says:

    You said “touch Johnson.” Heh.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s