I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.
By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator. She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs. Just another San Diego statistic.
But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber? According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex. Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing. Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.
However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack. By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard. Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child. Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.
What will happen next is anyone’s guess. Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist. Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.