Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.
Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.
Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy. It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.
Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.
The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.
Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this. It sucks to be a college student in 2011.
German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that. But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”
Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.
Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.
Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.
Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’
Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.
Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.
Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.
Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.
DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.
Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.
Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.
Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.