In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.
Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.
Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties. Twice, whatever. Get the fuck out.
Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.
Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.
Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you? One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.
LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?
How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.
Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.
No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?
Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called heroes.
Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.
Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work. Barry was never hip.
Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus? It’s Jesus, isn’t it?
Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.
‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.
Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.
Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.
Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.
Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.
Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.
Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!
The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.
Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.
Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers. Maybe it does anyway.