By Smaktakula
The Old Days Sucked. The Only Two Pleasures In Og's Wretched Existence Were Warm Bearcat Stew And, Apparently, Humping A Bag Lady.
One of the universal cornerstones of adulthood is the opportunity to bitch vociferously among the members of one’s own generation about how easy kids have it today. That every generation since the dawn of history has engaged in comparing the young unfavorably to itself might be viewed simply as exaggerated flights of reminiscence into the misty days of an idealized youth. However, one has only to note the tremendous progress and scientific innovation of our species, which has pushed back the thick crust of suck that once covered the earth entirely, but is now puddled around the globe in places like Mexico, Somalia or Kentucky. Indoor plumbing, the internet and fake boobs, among other technological marvels, have made the lives of each subsequent generation better than that which preceded it When an older generation complains about how good the ‘kids today’ have it, they’re usually right.
Yeah, But For Most Of Us It's Gotten Better. You Hang In There!
Nowhere is this more true than in the realm of illicit drugs. Despite their official prohibition, drugs have become increasingly available since the 1960s. In the ensuing five decades, LSD has come and gone and come again several times and Quaaludes® have disappeared entirely, but the availability of intoxicants, bolstered by new or newly rediscovered drugs like ketamine, PCP and methamphetamine, has only increased. Moreover, several states have legalized marijuana.¹ And for those who, despite the pharmacopoeia readily available to the young and old alike, are somehow unable to find anything else, spice rack highs like nutmeg² are as close as your local Piggly Wiggly.
They Didn't Always Come Boxed Or In Flavors. Back In Our Day, Going To The Supermarket For Whippets Meant That Your Buddy Kept A Lookout While You Sucked Down Reddi-Wip Like Lindsay Lohan On A Coke-Flavored Dick.
¹Marijuana has been legalized in these states for medical patients only. You must have a valid medical condition, such as a tummy ache, before getting a prescription for the sweet, sweet cheeba. ∞ T.
²For reals–in sufficient quantities, nutmeg is an hallucinogen. Equally for reals–stay as far away from Lady Meg as you can, for she is wicked and cruel. Trust us on this one, kids. ∞ T.
No wonder my ginger snap cookies are so popular. That also explains the thrashing, ducking, and air swatting that follows.
Your ginger snap cookies are no doubt popular because ginger snap cookies are awesome. However, they can be made MORE awesome–see Ms. Schmadrienne’s comment which follows.
If only chemists could have discovered how to make NZT like they did in that movie Limitless. I guess I’ll just stick to baked weed treats. I won’t get rich but I’ll have a decent few hours of smiles.
Although ‘baked’ and ‘weed’ are redundant, you’re readily forgiven for producing edibles. God bless you, ma’am!
Moral of the story: yes, grandpa we do suck but at least we can all smoke together.
And together we’ll bridge the gap between generations! Thanks, Edrevets!
Nutmeg? I’m so out of touch.
We first heard about it in “The Autobiography of Malcolm X” by Alex Haley. It’s best avoided. Or, so we’ve heard.