Headlines 03.06.12

By Smaktakula

Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.

In which we opine upon the headlines of the day without first reading the articles.

***

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.

Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.

Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?

Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!

So Very Brave.

“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’

Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!

Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.

O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?

Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.

San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.

Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.

TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.

Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!

Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!

I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.

***

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

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11 Responses to Headlines 03.06.12

  1. crubin says:

    At first, I thought you were making the headlines up. Until I clicked on them. When will I learn? Truth is always stranger than fiction.

    Thanks for another great, politically incorrect, offensive-to-some post. Brilliant, as usual!

    • tardsie says:

      Thanks so much, Crubin–we very much appreciate the feedback! However, we must take issue with your assumption (although since disabused) that we would make up headlines. Promethean Times takes very seriously its commitment to journalistic integrity. As an institution, we strive to protect our good name and our reputation for hard-hitting–and most importantly–honest journalism. If readers were to find even one uncorrected statement in these pages that later turned out to be untrue, it could certainly impugn our standing as one of the world’s most respected news organizations.

      • crubin says:

        I know you’re my first choice for the facts and nothing but the facts. Of course, that might explain my warped thinking…

  2. El Guapo says:

    That’s why I prefer my drugs unmixed ans straight up.
    No “may” about it.

  3. Alex Autin says:

    One day I’ll learn about this grudge against the French, till then I’ll quietly mourn for Zelda, the ex-earthquake survivor, and the Ohio guy’s brother and best friend….tragic.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Despite the gulf of many years, it’s still too painful to discuss. Let it be known however that I went to France the first time (I had to go back years later, despite having sworn that I’d never enter France again unless it was in a tank, but that’s another story) with an open mind, determined to experience the French people for myself, childishly refusing to acknowledge the wisdom of my elders, who time and time again soberly implored me to see that the French people suck ass. Fool that I was, I didn’t listen, and blithely traipsed into the lamb’s den.

      They were horrible, Alex! HORRIBLE!

    • tardsie says:

      Funnily enough, although Smaktakula’s…troubling…Francophobia leads him to say so many ghastly things about the French, it’s the Belgians who really can’t take a joke. Dig it. Dig it again.

  4. LOL Superb stuff. Better than the Onion – and that’s truly saying something :)

    • tardsie says:

      Whether you’re comparing us favorably to the pungent bulb or the satirical publication of the same name, we delight in your praise! Thanks, Last Song!

  5. kewsmith says:

    I think I’ll come here for all my news updates. Less depressing.

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