Ireland The PT Way!

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Ireland: A Nice Place To Visit, Even If You're Mostly Sober.

Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.

Edna Kenny (Seen Here At Breakfast) Was Recently Appointed Taoiseach (Prime Minister) For The Republic Of Ireland.

The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people so foul-mouthed that old ladies use the Lord’s name more often in casual conversation than does Pat Robertson,  and whose priests are known to remark “If it’s yer head you’ll be wantin’ kicked in, ya wee shite, then go ahead and touch me fookin’ pint a second time.”

Straight Up: You Won't Be Getting His Lucky Charms Without One Hell Of A Fight.

The Irish are further unique in that, for whatever reason, they genuinely seem to be fond of Americans. Promethean Times wishes to encourage this special relationship by fostering an even greater understanding between Irish people and their more sober American cousins. With this in mind, we offer these American-specific travel tips for visiting Éire.

Don't Let It Worry You--Irishmen Are Sweethearts. In Another Five Minutes You'll Be Lifelong Pals. Just The Same, You Shouldn't Count On Him Never Again Punching You In The Face.

  • The Irish are proud of their culture. Show them you’re proud of it, too. If you even have one Irish ancestor, no matter how far removed, share this news with your new Mick friends by declaring, “I’m Irish, too!” They love that.
  • Break the ice by tackling a short person and demanding he lead you to his pot of gold, or at the very least, kick you down a bowl of sugary cereal for your trouble.

Look, It's Nothing Personal, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, It's Just That We Don't Think You're Temperance Society Material.

  • Black Irish doesn’t mean “black people.” Having said that, there are Irishmen of African descent. Smaktakula had the opportunity to meet them, and they were both really cool.
  • Although the Irish people insist on seeing their culture as wholly distinct and separate from that of the Scots, they don’t mind at all that you don’t. Go ahead and let them how much you enjoyed Braveheart.
  • The Irish love a laugh. It’s perfectly acceptable to point out that the word “Gaelic” sounds a lot like “Gay-Lick.”
  • The Irish will be delighted if you accost them on the street for the sole purpose of hearing them say, “They’re magically delicious.”  Famously patient, they’ll happily oblige you a second time when you demand, “No–do it right!”

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

Special tips for travelling in Northern Ireland:

  • Your choice of drink can say a lot, so choose one respectful of Irish culture. Although Irish car bombs are, along with straight whiskey, famously the national refreshment, when in Northern Ireland, the savvy drinker orders a Black & Tan.
  • Irish people can sometimes be melancholy, particularly in the north. If anyone mentions ‘the Troubles,’ tell ‘em, “You think you’ve got troubles? I’m consumed by credit card debt and my lousy job is killing me! At least you get to sit around all day and drink!”

The Quaint Northern Town Of Portrush, Or As Tardsie Calls It, "POTrush." But That's A Story For Another Day.

  • In Northern Ireland, knowing your colors can be the difference between life and death: When you’re in Catholic areas, be sure to sport your Unionist orange, but just as quickly switch to green when you’re hanging with the proddies.
  • If you’re looking to place your money offshore by investing in foreign financial products, you could do a lot worse than to look into an Irish IRA. Irish professionals spend most of their office hours in local pubs, and financial advisors are no different. Try asking around at different pubs in Belfast or Derry for some information about the IRA (remember to pronounce it by the initials when you’re in N. Ireland, and not like a wimpy man’s name, as in America). It’s the damnedest thing–everyone you speak to will deny knowing anything about it, but if you ask around long enough, the right people WILL find you.

Folks, Whether You Realize It Or Not, The World Is Just One More Potato Famine Away From Being Up To Its Eyeballs In The Irish.

¹We weren’t talking to you, Frenchie, so sit your ass down. Nobody here called for a snail-eating surrender-monkey. < S.
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33 Responses to Ireland The PT Way!

  1. crubin says:

    I was hesitant to leave a comment as I noticed my Gravitar visage appears uncomfortably frequently in your “recent comment” widget. Maybe I better adopt a new image. Perhaps the one of your poor “Irish Eyes” lad. He looks in need of a hospital.

  2. Smaktakula says:

    And–holy crap–does life imitate art. Way to go, Nike!

  3. ebeneezerspooge says:

    I think my great-gramma was from Ireland–I’m Irish, too.

  4. Alex Autin says:

    Does it say something about me that the bits I laughed the hardest at were the ones referencing Lucky Charms?

  5. El Guapo says:

    I have been declared (by Irish men) to be Irish by Alcohol Intake.
    One of the best compliments i ever got.
    And yes, I can say “for fucks sake” with the best of ‘em!

  6. Ahem ( genuine Irish person in the audience) – the Irish and the Yanks ( as Irish people refer to all Americans and Canadians) go way back.

    We used to go on holiday to Wexford in the so-called “sunny south-east” every year ( so called because it gets an average of an extra day of sun every year) and make a trip to the big national park there, the JFK Arboretum. jFK was Irish and even Barack has some in him… When he came to discover his roots the first thing he did was learn how to pour a proper pint of Guinness. I’m feeling very nostalgic for home at the moment since I work abroad, but my birthday and St Paddys day shall be celebrated this Saturday, on top of that, Ireland face England in the rugby that afternoon…. So that’ll be more reasons than ive ever needed to get shitfaced drunk so my liver reminds me of all the cirrhotic reasons I had to leave….

    One of our famous comedians, Pat Shortt remarked that Ireland is “a grand little island…. If only you could roof it”. Tis pretty rainy there mostly. If you ever want to get an impression of it you should look up the tv series called Kilinaskully, filmed near where my mother grew up. It’s all about incest and creepy priests and is quite humorous.

    • Smaktakula says:

      You had me at incest.
      I’ve been to Ireland three times–in winter, spring and fall, and traversed the island from Portrush to Rosslaire, so I’ve experienced the Irish rain (110 proof). In all seriousness, if it didn’t rain, it wouldn’t be green. Plus, I lived in Washington State for a few years, so I’m pretty water-resistant.

      I loved County Wexford; I stayed for a couple days in Enniscoorthy.

      I’ll check out Killnaskully–thanks C&S!

    • Smaktakula says:

      And I take offense at your use of the term “genuine Irish person.” I’ll have you know that I have an distant ancestor who may have come from County Sligo or just stopped there for a while, so I’m Irish, too!

  7. Well you’re talking to a purebred Celt here, hundred percent undiluted Islander, according to an extensive family tree, so I can afford to be a total fucking racist snob :-) Sorry if it makes you feel bad because you aren’t really one of us but want to be (hehehehe)

  8. billmcmorrow says:

    Hilarious post Smak. I loved it. Hahaha, Braveheart.

  9. Some Guy says:

    I should have known you’d get to a Braveheart joke before I had the chance. Your royalty check for inadvertent pseudo-plagiarism is in the mail.

  10. Smaktakula says:

    Reblogged this on Promethean Times and commented:

    In which we once again pay homage to that merry race of delightfully irascible inebriates. Happy St. Patrick’s Day & fook yez ull!

  11. I once made the mistake of ordering a Bass ale in an Irish pub in Dover, NH. When the server (who also happened to be the owner, and an Irish immigrant) brought my beer over to me, he virtually slammed it down in front of me and said, “Here’s your damned Brit beer.” It wasn’t until later that I thought to wonder why he even had Bass ale available there in the first place.
    He was a great guy, though.

  12. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Great post, Smakington! It was funny as hell. Happy Saint Patty’s Day.

  13. Pixie Girl says:

    …and yet, there is something about the Irish. Gotta love ‘em..

  14. calahan says:

    Had a great cliché in my family tree: my paternal grandfather (whom I never met) was actually a drunken Irish cop. Oh, to think of the many hobos he beat with his nightstick.

    • Smaktakula says:

      And just think of the quaint expressions he’d be laying on them while he did it! As I understand it, my Irish ancestors (and I do have a few) were thieves. Although I guess that’s like saying they were Catholic, huh?

      When are we gonna see more from your Barely Legal Ogling Gallery? I recently had to check to make sure I wasn’t missing updates.

  15. jmmcdowell says:

    When I die, my Irish grandmother will likely storm over to St. Peter’s gate to make sure I don’t get admitted. Just because my research shows her “Irish” husband likely had NO Irish ancestry in him. I’m in no hurry to find out. But that just might get my Serbian side riled up….

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