PT Apologizes To Those Groups We Have Yet To Malign

By Smaktakula

If You Live Here, We Have Something To Say That You Won’t Like Very Much.

We’re proud of our track record. In a relatively short time, we’ve managed to say some pretty shitty things about a lot of people. From the Inuits in the north, to the Chinese in the east, the Zimbabweans in the south, the good old US of A in the West, and just about everybody else in between, Promethean Times can be downright promiscuous with its criticism. We’ve made fun of gay people, straight people and the sexually ambivalent; we’ve kicked Christians, Muslims, Jews and Ramtharians. We’ve even made fun of the Amish. Druggies, weirdos and the very stupid–we try to hit ‘em all.

But invariably, no matter how diligently mean-spirited, no single institution can possibly hope to insult everyone, despite how much we might wish otherwise. Readers might wonder, for example, just what we find so special about the Swedish people that we have yet to take them to task? Others may ask themselves why we’ve mocked beekeepers but never have seen fit to put stamp collectors in the crosshairs. The same charge could be made about antique car enthusiasts, Greeks or daytime television.

Dear readers–for Promethean Times to maintain its credibility, is it necessary that we point out Swedes are shaved yeti who both consume and smell like rotten fish? Or that stamp collectors tend to produce from their ranks an inordinately high percentage of voyeurs? If pressed, we could tell you that antique car lovers have man-boobs, Greek men love to bugger children and daytime TV is grand theater for the very stupid.

As This Graph Illustrates, Four Out Of Five Greek Men Prefer Hairy, Well-Muscled Flesh To The Supple Springiness Of The Female Breast. In Fairness, Greek Women Sort Of Straddle That Line.

Rest assured that whatever your race, gender, political affiliation, sexual orientation or any of the myriad tiny differences through which humanity seeks to distinguish itself, eventually we will get around to letting you know just what’s wrong with your culture, the way you live your life, and most fundamentally, why you are a bad person. In our own way we’re as multicultural as they come.

But for our friends who may be wondering, “Just what the hell is wrong with me that Promethean Times hasn’t seen fit to let me know about it?”, we’ve got some love to share. The following (by no means complete) list includes a few worthies who have heretofore escaped mention in these pages.

Canadians~Friends, it’s not that we don’t ache to mock these maple-mad mofos; we’ve been wanting to give one to the Canucks since as long as we can remember, but they can be damned hard to get a glove on. Canadians are a lot like that guy you remember from school–the golden boy with perfect attendance, whose homework is always turned on time and never copied, who never fails to treat the teachers and administration with respect and who invariably blows the curve for the rest of you morons. Naturally, you wait for him after school with a sock full of quarters hidden behind your back. But just before you can whack him with your homemade sap, he tells you, “you have really nice hair,” disarming you completely. Canadians are treacherous like that.

That they’re smarter and funnier than us, we can take. We can also accept that they’re cleaner, more polite and have more friends. But what we cannot countenance, and the thing which if known to the American public would quickly lead to tanks swarming the 49th Parallel like flies on fruit, is that they have bigger penii.

You Didn’t Know Captain America Had A Junior Sidekick?

Civil War Buffs~What can we say about grown men who, just for the sheer fun of it, reenact America’s most enduring national tragedy and bloodiest conflict in the nation’s history? Moreover, these dudes slog out these epic battles time and again, despite the outcome not having been in doubt for over 150 years. The American Civil War is in many ways distinguished by the terrible toll it took on the population as a whole, particularly upon an entire generation of men. For this reason it seems more than a little dishonest to history and disrespectful to the memory of the lives torn asunder by this war that men should play-act this ghastly episode. Posterity–and Promethean Times–would no doubt look more favorably upon these men if they used live ammunition.

You Guys Are Losers! No, Seriously–You Lose. We Read Ahead A Little Bit.

Ecuador~Ecuador has fuck all going for it. And, as the world’s premier producers of Panama hats, they’re clearly quite comfortable pulling the rug out from under their Latin American brethren.

Ron Paul~We’re not exactly sure who that is. Was he one of the Beatles or something?

Paraphilic Infantilism~Look, we’re happy for anyone who’s getting laid, and furthermore believe that healthy fantasy can enliven a couple’s sex life. What happens behind bedroom doors is no one else’s business.

Having said that, is there any normal person who believes that a 250-lb dude with his thumb in his mouth and a diaper draped over his ass is in any way healthy or sexually appealing? Whenever possible, we prefer to use non-judgmental language, but seriously, why was the term “sexual deviant” even coined if not to be firmly affixed to these simpering space-wasters?

Mom And Dad Must Just Be So Proud Of You!

Your Mom~Talk about a gal of easy virtue! That chick is easier to turn on than a light switch.

Tell Us, You Minx! Tell Us What Naughtiness The Beaver’s Gotten Up To Now.

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16 Responses to PT Apologizes To Those Groups We Have Yet To Malign

  1. clownonfire says:

    Here’s me stroking your ego, but not too fast.
    You’ve made my blogroll.
    Now I just need to get off my ass and actually do it.
    CoF

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks a lot, Clown! Slow-stroking the ego makes it last a little longer.

      • clownonfire says:

        Alright. I woke up with Lord Evil Poppy at 5:55am this Saturday morning… Blogrolled, officially. http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/blogroll/

      • Smaktakula says:

        Truly, you are the only non-homicidal (giving you the benefit of the doubt) clown I have ever liked.

        You know, 5:55 is almost 3:00 in PST, or as I call it–REAL TIME.

        That’s right–Fuck you, Easter Standard Time!
        And fuck you, Central Standard Time, and your homo Mountain buddy!
        And a double fuck you to Alaska and Nova Scotia times, whatever they’re called.

        What? We don’t use Greenwich time.

        Smaktakula, you say, that term is laughably anachronistic, we call it ‘Coordinated Universal Time’ (UTC) now.

        Okay, first of all, don’t laugh at me. Don’t you ever laugh at me–I hate that. Secondly, I can’t believe you’ve bought into the big UTC lie. They want you to think that this system better represents the world as a whole (despite some regions being pluses, while others are minuses), but just look at a time chart, man–who is in the EXACT center, pulling all the strings?
        That’s right–the Redcoats. After years of pretending friendship, the United Kingdom has been waiting for just the right time to unveil their most fiendish plan yet–to control time itself. It sickens me that they’ve gotten this over on us, after we struggled so mightily once to free ourselves from their tyranny. Well, I mean some of us did, anyway.

  2. Alex Autin says:

    The first question which comes to mind is how is it that Promethean Times is so familiar with the size of Canadian cocks, however….this may explain why I’m constantly spammed by Canadians who are very concerned with both the size and functionality of my own cock. Since they show such concern I’ve yet to find it in my heart to let them know I’m not in possession of one. In light of this article, perhaps it’s not concern on the part of the Canadians, but rather bragging.

  3. El Guapo says:

    I think Alex asks an excellent question about how PT has come to such an intimate knowledge of Canadian penii.

    Also, when are Midget Shepherd Albinos going to get? Those bastards really have it coming.

  4. crubin says:

    Hmmm, me thinks that photographed man baby weighs more than 250 pounds…

    • Smaktakula says:

      Sadly, you may be right. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He may be afflicted with shortism, which would go a long way to explaining his debilitating mental issues.

  5. Para-something infantilism?! What the shit is that? Everybody’s got their freak flag and I say let it fly. But that’s hysterically fucking weird!

    • There are actually adults who get off on dressing and acting like babies- drinking out of bottles, doing their bodily functions in diapers, etc. Sick but true. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

  6. Smaktakula says:

    Reblogged this on Promethean Times and commented:

    Contempt knows no color. Disdain cares nothing for national borders.

  7. How about people who still watch what we can now only derisively refer to as “Network T.V.”? They are a strange and creepy group, not to be trusted at all around children.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I didn’t know there was such a thing any more. With DVR technology the old television paradigm (time & channel) is quickly going the way of the dinosaur. But without leaving behind precious deposits of fossil fuels.

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