The Sinister Secret Of Southpaws

By Smaktakula

…Or We’ll KEEP You Right.

Regardless of your willingness to take a hard, long look at the truth, the fact remains that humanity is beset by an insidious societal blight which affects as much as 10% of the world’s population. Increasingly, the remaining 90%, or ‘normals,’ as they are most commonly known, seem ready to let their own culture be relegated to history’s dustbin rather than take the necessary steps to ensure that these genetic timebombs mend their incorrect ways. This view is not simply short-sighted in its naiveté, but downright foolish in its refusal to confront the very real threat creeping up on us from our blind side. Simply put, we dig our own grave when we downplay or refuse to acknowledge altogether the treacherous iniquity of left-handed people.

What The Hell? Do You Even Think About The Things You Say, Lefty? God–We Wish They Had Camps For You People.

Despite the very real danger posed by southpaws, those few journalists brave enough to bring attention to the goofy-handed threat are branded bigots, and often pay with their livelihoods. It has long since become politically incorrect to highlight what even a child can see for himself--that these people are using the wrong hand for just about everything they do! Society would apparently rather believe that these “people,”–who insist on daily engaging in behavior which is not only unfathomable to normals, but moreover, something most people could quite literally not bring themselves to do–are born that way, and that their bizarre and unnatural behavior is in no way a matter of choice.

No One Has Yet Come Up With A Sufficiently Biting Term For Lefties. It Makes Us Wish Society Hadn’t Been Quite So Hasty In Assigning The Pejorative “Fags.”

Promethean Times disagrees. We believe that humanity was created by an all-knowing God to do things a certain way–the RIGHT way– and that those who fail to remember this put at risk their immortal souls.¹ For too long these foul, slouching creatures have been allowed to walk among us as equals, and given free rein to pollute the minds of youth by their poor example. The time to remain muzzled by the fuzzy sentiments of political correctness has passed. Our duty is not to assuage the feelings of degenerates, but rather to halt our society’s decay as it falls under the shadow of an alien hand.

No, You’re Right, He’s A Total Asshole. But Give Him Some Points For Form.

It’s certainly no accident that the word ‘sinister’ is derived from Latin for ‘left handed.’ Nor should it be too onerous to determine which is the correct foot referred to in the aphorism ‘put your best foot forward.’ And just where do you suppose the French got ‘Gauche?’ You know that ‘dexterous’ means ‘skillful,’ but did you also know can also mean ‘right-handed?’ If these examples aren’t enough to remind readers that even language abhors a lefty, it should be remembered that left’s opposite is a synonym for ‘correct.’ It is only in recent times that we have eschewed the wisdom (right-) handed to us by our forefathers, and instead drawn these evolutionary dead-enders to our collective bosom.

If Applied To Politics, This Slogan Represents The Kind Of Rigid, Partisan Thinking Which Has Made The Political Moderate An Endangered Species. But In Regard To Handedness, It’s Right On The Money.

Perhaps some of you reading this may choose to believe that we have to a degree exaggerated the danger posed by these genetic aberrations. Anyone who contends that lefties aren’t hurting anyone but themselves has obviously never seen them write, or spent frustrating minutes trying to determine why the guy you’ve just met gives you the mega-creeps, finally to discover it’s because he’s wearing his watch on his right hand like some kind of freak. Some, however, will still deliberately ignore the issue, espousing some lame-ass ‘live and let live’ policy. All the same, we have to wonder if these people will still be whistling ‘We Are Family’ on that awful day when they discover a pair of unusable left-handed scissors in their own child’s backpack.

As If Being A Lefty Weren’t Enough, He’s Got An Androgynous Name And Throws Like A Twelve-Year-Old Girl. For All This, Though, Jamie Moyer Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

¹Soul-forfeiture is a peril exclusive to the right-handed. Lefties have no souls to lose. ∞ T.

BONUS!

Southpaw Sally (or–Kids Can Tell The Difference Between Laughing With And Laughing At)

By Tardsie

After I graduated, I worked for a couple of years as a teacher in an after-school clinic. One of my students was a bright and cheerful nine-year-old named Sally Choi (not her real name). Tragically, Sally was born left-handed. Naturally, I took to calling the young lady ‘Southpaw Sally,’ which she took with surprising grace.

One day Sally asked me, “Why do they call left-handed people ‘Southpaws?’

I had to confess that I didn’t know, but told her I’d have the answer for her before we met next.

Even before I could say hello before our next session, Sally asked me if I’d found out. I told her that, according to what I’d been able to find, the term was coined in the late 19th Century, when ballparks were designed so that right-handed hitters faced east, meaning that a lefty’s pitching arm was his “south” arm.

“What did they call left-handed people before baseball?” Sally asked.

“Oh,” I said, “Before baseball people just called them freaks.”

True story.

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25 Responses to The Sinister Secret Of Southpaws

  1. Alex Autin says:

    Left-Handers Unite! You don’t have to take this kind of blatant hate and prejudice! Organize! Write your State Reps! If this fails…move to the UK where you too can text and drive!

    • Smaktakula says:

      But we meant OTHER lefties, Alex–not you. Never you. I want you to know that our regard for you is unconditional, regardless of your HANDicap.

      • Alex Autin says:

        Ok well…I’m not actually left-handed….but that’s beside the point!

      • Smaktakula says:

        Look, there’s hardly any need to deny it now. Granted, you never said you were wrong-handed, though who but a lefty would take such a firm pro-degeneracy stance? You’re hiding a bunch of southpaws in your attic, aren’t you?

  2. profjojo says:

    Oh, Smak. just as I was getting used to sleeping with a self proclaimed “righty ” who just happens to “throw a baseball really well with either hand” and who wears his watch on the right be cause of a supposed broken wrist at age 17. Now I see the truth. I should have asked to see the x r
    ays but they were probably Kenyan forgery .

    • Smaktakula says:

      You see? Lefties take advantage of your trust. Since you’ve made a lifelong commitment (and the whole ‘love’ thing), you probably shouldn’t trade him in for a righty, despite the occasional temptation. But whatever you do–keep an eye on him!

  3. El Guapo says:

    My sister is a leftie. I can confirm all the evil things you’ve said about her- I mean them.

    (by the way, keep an eye on that Autin character – I think she’s going over the edge!)

  4. clownonfire says:

    Do you think my daughter Lord Evil Poppy might be a leftie?
    The Clown

  5. crubin says:

    As I searched the Internet for some evidence to counter your evil attack on lefties (and no, I am not a leftie; just have a soft spot for the underdog), I came across an article that said statistics show lefties are “more likely to be schizophrenic, alcoholic, delinquent, dyslexic, and have Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis, as well as mental disabilities. They’re also more likely to die young and get into accidents.”

    Hmmm, that didn’t help me. But it also goes on to say they are better fighters, which is why they survived all those ancient wars so well.

    If you’d like to be enlightened: http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=498707&page=1

  6. I guess my son must be really confused. He can use either hand. When he was little he would pick boogers with both index fingers, one up to the third joint in each nostril, which I guess is an advantage if you like to pick boogers, but you would have to breathe out of your mouth while you do it.

    • Smaktakula says:

      What a perfectly lovely image! If I’m to be honest, I should say that I too was born ambidextrous, after a fashion. It seems I was so woefully coordinated as to not favor either hand, so my handed ness was determines for me. Fortunately, they chose wisely.

  7. Some Guy says:

    I’ve heard somewhere that there’s a clan of Scots that (apparently) are historically much more frequently left-handed than the general population, to the point where they designed the staircases in their castles to wind the opposite direction from normal, to accommodate their left-handed sword-swinging.

    Leave it to lefties—not to mention the Scots—to find a more effective way of murdering us normals as we invade their ancestral homes. Scary bastards.

    • Smaktakula says:

      The Scots are pretty bad-ass. I had a history professor that said something to the effect, “History shows that if you go to war against the Scots, you’ll probably win. Just the same, they’ll make you wish you hadn’t bothered.”

  8. Smaktakula says:

    Reblogged this on Promethean Times and commented:

    Because if fearing the left-handed is wrong, we don’t want to be…correct.

  9. I have a friend who is left-handed, gay, and an atheist. Can we burn him? You know, set an example?

  10. Five of the last seven US presidents (Ford, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Clinton, Obama) and my mother were all south paws. I’m not sure what this means, if it means anything, but now I suppose that factoid has taken the heat off lefties. Or maybe it’s increased it?

  11. renxkyoko says:

    Aaarg, my relatives on my mother’s side are left-hand, and Mom is ambidextrous. She played tennis and ping-pong using her left hand ( advantage ) but writes with her right hand.

  12. renxkyoko says:

    ooops, left- handed.

  13. tomsimard says:

    Wonderful read.
    As a lefty, I can assure we are every bit as treacherous as you’ve made us out to be. Our nature being what it is, it’s probably only a matter of time before we strike back at the world of the right-handed (I.e. the straight and narrow), who make us constantly adjust to their world. It may be something as simple as covertly designing items that right-handeds will be at a loss to use.

  14. Mawhahahahahahaha – that’s my sinister left-handed laugh. All the left hands are coming to get you….

  15. I had no idea leftys were so sinister.

  16. To think I had a grandma left-hander. It’s embarrassing. At least she spent her life in penance because of a second grade teacher who forced her to use the right hand and permanently scarred her, so she reverted to a manual typewriter whenever possible. Public humiliation at work!

  17. Lefties run in my family, although I am (mercifully) right handed. My great uncle, who grew up in the old country (and by old country I mean Sicily, which is about 100 years older than the rest of the world), was forced to learn to write with his right hand, to keep the evil away.

    One thing I will say about lefties—lefty pitchers generally have better pick-off moves than righties.

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