Take That Frog Out Of Your Mouth!

By Smaktakula

Love It Or Leave It! But If You Want To Make It A Little Easier For Everyone, You’ll Love It.

The American Language is an adaptive and remarkable tongue, borrowing unhesitatingly from other languages such as Latin, German and English. But this easy exchange of language is dependent at the very least upon non-hostility between America and the lucky nation whose language is being appropriated. When relations between the US and the donor country are strained, language is often the first victim.

Even Our Grammar Is Remarkably Free!

Anti-German sentiment during the First World War caused significant changes in language. Not only did the British ruling family, then known as the House of Saxe-Coburg, change its name to the more Anglo-acceptable (and decidedly Hallmarky) name of ‘Windsor,’ but also prompted Americans to change the names of foodstuffs such as Frankfurters and sauerkraut. The hot-dogs earned the ridiculous sobriquet ‘Liberty Pups,’ while the inedible rancid condiment was called ‘Liberty Cabbage.’

German Names Are Already Pretty Fucked-Up.

Increasingly, however, Americans have grown too stupid even to recognize words as being of foreign origin, and tend to express their frustrations toward words which so obviously pertain to foreign cultures as to be unmistakable. A relatively recent example of this was during the United States’ Second Groovy Gulf Adventure, when France, heretofore such a reliable and staunch ally, did not count itself among the ‘Coalition of the Willing.” Jacques Chirac, the then-French President, stated unequivocally that French forces would not be used for military adventurism, but would instead stand ready for the inevitable day when they would be once again called upon to surrender their beloved homeland to the invading Germans. Americans responded by changing the name of the one French thing everybody could identify: French Fries. That’s why today, every red-blooded American patriot still calls the greasy little spuds ‘Freedom Fries.’

I Have Not Yet Begun To Fight. No, Really–I’m Not All That Invested.

However, is it enough to simply change the name of a single–if popular–artery-clogging snack? Of course it isn’t–and if you had to think about that answer, ‘Comrade,’ then you’ve clearly demonstrated on which side of the Axis of Evil you rotate. Effective immediately, Promethean Times demands that all good Americans (by which we mean the world’s population) refer to “French” concepts by their newly coined acceptable patriotic substitutes.

Talking American

French Cuffs: Freedom Cuffs

French Kissing: Liberty Licking

French Door: Escape Hatch

French Manicure: The Columbia Clip

In America, Our Patriotism Extends All The Way To The Cellular Level. Even The Dead Ones.

French’s Mustard: La Sauce de Capitulation (colloquially known as ‘surrender sauce’)

French Curve: Triumphant Arch (see what we did there?)

French Braid: Bad Hair Day

French Roast: Shock & Java

French Stewart: Indiana Jones

The French Connection: Syphilis

“Le Sale Français.”

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26 Responses to Take That Frog Out Of Your Mouth!

  1. clownonfire says:

    I’m a bit disappointed that you forgot to blatantly, out in the open, dedicate this post to me, your #1 French-native speaking fan, and friend…
    Mange d’la marde!
    Le Sad Clown

  2. crubin says:

    I don’t even want to know what term you’d propose for the French bikini wax. Well, actually, I kind of do…

  3. Surrender sauce is just awesome!

  4. Now, now…all Americans aren’t ignorant. I use ”ménage à trois’ and “fellatio” quite often in casual conversation.

  5. Alex Autin says:

    Oh for fuck’s sake….how can we go on about such silliness when Tardsie is STILL missing?!

  6. Anastasia says:

    La Sauce de Capitulation… rofl..
    And I’m sure Napoleon would appreciate le shout out.

  7. German names are pretty common where I come from (and a hell of a lot easier to pronounce than Slavic names) although, politically incorrect though it may be, I still say the greatest accomplishment of the Krauts can be attributed to Hitler. Yes, the Autobahn was Hitler’s idea. Eisenhower (though he was not a fan of Hitler) liked the Autobahn so much that our Interstate system was originally modeled on it. Too bad we have all those weak pussy speed limits, and shitty union labor built roads (at least here in Ohio) that disintegrate immediately after they’re built, that make the Interstates a lot less fun.

  8. Smaktakula says:

    Reblogged this on Promethean Times and commented:

    From March, 2012–In Which We Discuss Speaking American

  9. The French Connection.

  10. Brigitte says:

    Que Sera Sera, sacrebleu and merci beaucoup and le marvelous. That’s about all I got. I’m going to use vis-a-vis in a conversation today.

  11. jmmcdowell says:

    What’s your recommendation for what we call French Poodles? Shoot, now the B-52s’ “Quiche Le Poodle” will be running through my brain all night.

  12. Hey, at least they gave us the Statue of Liberty. And if that’s not good enough for you, then, “Va te faire mettre!”

  13. El Guapo says:

    You can have my french fries when you pry them from my cold greasy fingertips.
    What? They go so well with frankfurters.

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