Headlines 04.30.12

By Smaktakula

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we stop reading after the headlines, and tell you the rest:

11-year-old girl dies after fight with 5th grader over a boy  ~ The 11-year-old clearly didn’t want it badly enough.

Special Needs Student Set On Fire At School ~ Among his special needs now?–Lots and lots of Bactine.

Feds send lady pot every month ~ Meet the future Mrs. Smaktakula!

Take it from a girl who cannot eat, a feeding tube is no fad ~ Just what the fuck is wrong with you that you think you have to tell us that?

Gawrsh! That Looks Awesome!

Donated kidney gets third owner ~ Dude, if you weren’t gonna keep it, you could have given the fucking thing back.

10 Things Parents Should Know About The Avengers (Spoiler-Free) ~ Thor’s a pedophile, Captain America’s got a raging coke habit, and the Hulk’s a ginormous DayGlo homo. See the flick for the other seven.

Prostitute gives NBA advice ~ A professional’s advice is needed to stop them from dribbling before they shoot.

Man loves naked stone lady ~ That’s a little different! But at least it’s not a naked stone man. That would be an offense against nature.

Kinda Faggy, RIght?

Your Vagina Isn’t Just Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy—It’s Also Too Brown ~ And can we talk about the smell?

Helen Keller-brand glasses? ~ They’re called “gheghek5gkedk.” Ask for them by name.

CHRIS BROWN’S NEW PICKUP LINE: “I PROMISE I WON’T BEAT YOU” ~ We get so much tail with that one.

How Muslims View Easter ~ Just another day to blow shit up.

In Muslim Tradition, The Easter Jackal Hides A Backpack Full Of Eggs Somewhere In A Public Place. The Fun Is Trying To Find Them Before They Go Off.

How I Stopped Drowning in Drink ~ And got all preachy.

Cops: Woman burned to death owed suspect $2000 ~ For $2,000 we’ll just slap you around a little–maybe cut you up a bit. We don’t start burning until you’re into us for at least five figures.

Secret Service scandal linked to lack of women in agency ~ Well, right–if there were more ladies around, the fellas wouldn’t have had to go to the brothel in the first place.

20th Anniversary Of The Los Angeles Riots Remembered Sunday ~ Not by Reginald Denny–that guy doesn’t remember shit!

The Biggest Thing Ever To Happen To The Guy, And He Couldn't Tell You A Thing About It.

Gay comes up short in first playoff game ~ And if losing the game wasn’t bad enough, afterwards, Straight and his asshole buddies threw rocks at Gay.

Lawyer: Autistic boy’s teacher didn’t call him ‘bastard’ ~ “Completely untrue. I called him a ‘wretched little Mongoloid doomed to shamble through life on the taxpayer’s dime leaving a whiff of urine in his lurching wake,’ but you know, retards don’t understand ‘people-talk’ very well, so that could sound like ‘bastard.'”

Pregnant Girl to Wed Slain Shooting Victim ~ Sexual congress with the dead is illegal in 49 states. Hello, Alabama!

11-Year-Old Girl Who Gave Birth Is Not Normal ~ The devil you say!

Look, All We Did As A Society Was To Sexualize Children--We Had No Idea That Anyone Would Actually Act On That.

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9 Responses to Headlines 04.30.12

  1. OHMIGOD. Those headlines….the apocalypse is surely upon us.

  2. crubin says:

    At least you won’t offend anyone with this post. No, sorry, I mean, at least you’ll offend everyone with this post. I have to admit, I sent out a tweet on one of these links. I just couldn’t resist.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Right–who could resist a big, floppy, hairy vagina?

      I don’t actually read the articles, as I’m a functional illiterate.

      “Oh yeah,” you demand, “Then how are you typing this?”

      I’ll have you know, ‘Miss,’ that I have a secretary to do my typing.

      Yes, my secretary is my mom, and I don’t pay her anything, but she was a professional secretary before she got married.

      And no, I don’t live with my mom–she lives with ME. I could live anywhere, but I CHOOSE to live in the garage of the house I grew up in, so that I can take care of Mom, who hasn’t been ‘right’ since Dad ran off with the dude who cleans our septic tank.

      • crubin says:

        Oh, I’m sorry, did you say something? I was too busy twirling my hair and batting my eyes when you called me “Miss”…

        But seriously, so sorry for your loser life. That explains a lot, Norman. You and mumsy don’t happen to run a hotel, do you? If so, I’ll be sure never to stay there.

      • Smaktakula says:

        In fact, we DO run a small motel, which the Interstate has bypassed. As the proprietor, you can call me Master Bates.
        Or just “Spanky,” whatever.

      • crubin says:

        Well, I guess Spanky is better than Slicer…

  3. whiteladyinthehood says:


  4. El Guapo says:

    Thank god you didn’t post the comics. Imagine if all these headlines had pictures!

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