Wonder Twins: Deactivated

By Smaktakula

“Form Of: Unnatural Urges!” “Shape Of: Cultural Taboos!”

Although younger readers may not remember the Super Friends TV show, to millions of children growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, this collection of sissy do-gooders was as beloved as any other family member.  With its membership boasting such heroic A-Listers as Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, as well as useless queer0s like Aquaman and Robin, the Boy Wonder, the Super-Friends enjoyed the advantage of being for a time the only super-hero show on TV.

They Let Aquaman Join–How Super Can They Be?

But the program’s executives wanted more youthful characters to whom the show’s primary audience of children could better relate.  It was pointed out that although Robin is ostensibly a teenager, the results of focus group studies indicated that younger audiences responded positively to adolescent heroes whom Batman was not fucking.

Don’t Judge. It Was A Different Time.

The first results of this experiment were safe, if unexciting.  For a few seasons the adult heroes were joined by non-powered teens Wendy Harris and Marvin White, and the caped canine, Wonder Dog.  Perhaps sensing the potentially catastrophic potential in sending children to battle alongside spandex-clad gods, after just a few seasons the show’s producers went back to the drawing board to create new sidekicks.  By keeping the elements of Wendy and Marvin that worked (a teenaged male-female pair with a comically useless pet) while ditching what didn’t (their humanity), the Super-Friends achieved their greatest character success: the Wonder Twins.

“C’Mon–I’m Just Shaggy With A Green Towel On My Shoulders. You Can’t Tell Me We’re Not The Lamest Super-Heroes Of All Time.”

The Wonder Twins were Zan and Jayna, extraterrestrial visitors from the planet Exxor, who had unusual powers which would work only in conjunction with one another.  However, in a nod to their predecessors, Wendy and Marvin, their powers were exceedingly lame and practically useless.  By touching their rings together, each twin could assume a variety of unique forms.  Zan’s ability was to transform himself into water, steam or ice.  Jayna could change into an animal.  The Wonder Twins, along with their mutant space-monkey Gleek, served to add not only much-needed comedy relief for the otherwise-serious show, but also provided ready-made hostages for the Super-Friends to rescue week after week.

This Was Pretty Much The Extent Of Their Abilities.

But by the time the 1990s rolled around, the Wonder Twins were gone from the television screen, their memories already fading into pop-culture trivia.  The 1988 National Enquirer article which proved the final nail in the coffin of the twins’ career is remembered by some, but it is the revelations contained in that article which continue to bedevil the twins’ reputation to present.  These allegations and the Wonder Twins’ subsequent descent into ignominy reminds us that no matter who or how powerful you are, the viewing public is not yet ready to tolerate either incest or monkey-fucking.

“You May Think It’s Weird & Creepy–But On Exxor, EVERYBODY Does It!”

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13 Responses to Wonder Twins: Deactivated

  1. Some Guy says:

    I distinctly remember being very bent out of shape, as a child, by the existence of the Wonder Twins. They bothered me because unlike Batman and Robin, Superman, Wonder Woman, and the Flash, they were totally made up.

    . . . I had a strange grasp of reality as a kid.

  2. Yes some of the 70’s superheroes were incredibly freaking lame. But the pic of Batman and Robin on the teeter-totter is priceless. It looks like whoever’s on the other end in a weird way is trying to rochambeau them. (I’ll slam the teeter-totter down on my end really hard so it squashes your nuts- look at the expression on Batman’s face!) Rochambeau- now there’s a game.

  3. crubin says:

    Can’t imagine how this gem slipped by me. Guess I wasn’t as much of a loser as I thought I was…

  4. whiteladyinthehood says:

    awww, Smak – I remember the Wonder Twins..I loved ‘em dammit! Saturday morning cartoons were the best!

  5. Elliot says:

    I have never heard of this show. However I believe that Batman photo would have been even more hilarious if you had trimmed some of the lower portion off. Ok, it still is a funny picture.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I liked the quaint gayness of the teeter-totter picture. Believe me, there are plenty of pictures out there of Batman buggering Robin. Or, I imagine there are anyway. Don’t feel too badly about missing out on the Super-Friends–I’m sure you got enough mind-numbing programming from Benny Hill.

      • Elliot says:

        The artists must have been having a load of fun drawing those.

        Benny Hill was classic when I was growing up! I haven’t watched any of that for years, but thinking about it, it was pretty incredible. That one guy pretty much wrote the entire show and it ran for years.

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