Deadlines, Or Why I Hate Audiobooks

By Smaktakula

The Payout From Smaktakula’s Insurance Policies Will Help Next-Daddy Raise His Kids In Style.

Pray that again I never shall find,

Something quite so much a grind.

Task upon toil  for hours untold,

My sonorous voice …

Sorry to break the moment, but I wanted to mention that, since you never get to hear me speak, I do have a pretty decent voice. Old people in particular seem to like it. Go figure.

We’ll just start up again on that last take. And one…two…

My sonorous voice quickly sounds old.

Want to improve your literary health?

Take a volume from atop your shelf.

Rather than listen to someone else suck,

Read a real book you illiterate fuck!

They Ruin Lives!

He’s just foolin’, Spoken Word. You know he loves you.  ∞ T.
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14 Responses to Deadlines, Or Why I Hate Audiobooks

  1. crubin says:

    Now that’s my kind of poetry. Easy to understand. No abstract mumbo-jumbo. A colorful word or two. But next time, James Earl Jones, I expect you to read it aloud in a You Tube video.

  2. I’m a speed reader- always have been- (hyperlexia has its advantages) and it’s insanely boring for me to listen to someone else read something out loud that I can read myself five times as fast. That got me in trouble in elementary school when the teacher would have each kid read a paragraph in the textbook out loud and then move on to the next kid. I was already three chapters ahead when it got to be my turn.
    I’m also visually dominant, so I am more likely to retain what I see in print as opposed to what I hear. In order to pay attention to and process lectures I have to visualize the word being spoken as if I am writing down what’s spoken and then reading it so I process it and remember it. Weird, yes, but that’s how I’m wired. I can see perhaps listening to audiobooks while I’m driving, maybe, but I’m usually occupied with music in the car.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I’m the opposite. I enjoy reading, and am a good reader, but unless I’m semi-confined–airplane, train, hot tub–I have a hard time keeping focused. I like to bitch a lot (I’m a tremendous hypocrite, after all), but I really enjoy audiobooks–they enable me to read several books a week rather than one book every two months.

  3. I like how there was a pause in the middle of the poem. My ADD approves.

  4. Why, I’m not really sure what kind of voice old people like…is it the same kind sleepy babies listen to?

  5. El Guapo says:

    Right there with you.
    Until we get audio comic books. Because how could you object to that?

    • Smaktakula says:

      As a lifelong fan of the vastly underappreciated artform, I’d find something to object about. Heck, I’d find an objection even if I didn’t care. It’s my nature.

  6. Last time I got an audiobook, I finished the book, made fan-fiction for the book, wrote an essay on the book and made a movie about the book before the damned audiobook finished.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I actually like audiobooks, despite all my bitching. But your comment made me think (for some reason) of one audiobook that I will never listen to (well, there are thousands I will never listen to, but this one for a specific reason). V for Vendetta. It’s an audiobook based on the novelization of a movie that was based on a graphic novel.

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