By Smaktakula
How Could This Godawful Thing NOT Want To Seek Shelter Deep Within The Moist, Dark Environs Of Your Grey Matter?
Despite being one of God’s fuglier creations, the earwig is relatively harmless. Nonetheless, because it is such a nasty critter, it has earned a horrifying (but sadly apocryphal) reputation as an ear-seeking parasite which gnaws deep into soft, pink brain tissue to birth its numberless and hungry young. The victim, his brain resembling a wedge of well-aged Emmental, quickly loses even the barest trace of culture or refinement, finding himself enthralled by the latest Tom Clancy thriller and drawn like a moth a flame to retard-cinema flicks like Dumb & Dumber.
It Makes As Much Sense As Anything Else.
Some songs are like that, too. If even one of these classic tunes follows you into the workweek, we’ll know we’ve done our job.
Enjoy!
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And lastly, this musical abortion:
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Hey, you’re welcome, folks!
Great. Rebecca Black, earwigs, and Jim Carrey in a single post.
ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME NIGHTMARES?!
You have descended into the bowels – yes, bowels – of evil and must be stopped.
So, in the interest of fighting fire with fire, I trump you with this.
Suck it, Smak.
Well played, you magnificent bastard! Hola, Miguel. Tu es el guapo!
Worst. Song. Ever. Written. The 80s gave us some great music (depends on the genre) but also some foul atrocities like “Mickey,” anything with Boy George (with or without Culture Club), and barfilicious classics that almost sound dirty and therefore stick in your brain, such as, “Come On Eileen.”
However, as far as bizarre parasites go, earwigs are gross, as are most bugs, but I kinda like the candiru fish that can swim up guys’ pee holes when they pee in the Amazon river. Too bad the candiru can’t live in pools- as a warning for those people who don’t bother to get out when nature calls.
Culture Club wasn’t so bad–”Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” is a great song.
Plus, the awesomest band of all time is considered “an 80′s band”–DEVO. The only knock on ‘em, of course, is that they’re from Ohio.
You could have picked any song from the 80s at random, and it would have had the same effect as the others above. Pure nausea. That entire decade of music needs to be forgotten. Okay, except maybe for anything by Michael Jackson. His stuff I liked. And thanks for clarifying why I like the movie “Dumb and Dumber.” Who knew it was because of a brain parasite?
You could not be more wrong about 80s music. However, given that you just saw the Pedophile Experience in Columbus, I’m guessing you make some exceptions. SHAMON!
Yes, I make exceptions for MJ. I’m sure there are a few more, but I can’t think of any right now (80s musicians that is, not pedophiles.) That’s how difficult finding pearls among 80s music is.
I’ll start with an easy one: “The Joshua Tree.”
I’ll just let you have that one, because if I admit to not liking U2, I’ll probably be banned from your site.
Hardly. Not liking something and not being able to recognize it for the groundbreaking piece of work that it is are two different things.
I don’t particularly care for Led Zepplin. However, I must admit, that even though they’re shameless plagiarists and musical thieves, their particular musical alchemy puts them among Rock & Roll’s all time greats.
So, if you were unable to recognize U2′s musical contribution, particularly with the album’s ‘The Joshua Tree’ and ‘Achtung, Baby’–well, I STILL wouldn’t ban you from the site (even though I suspect you’re being facetious about being banned, I should note that I can’t stand the notion of being so insecure in my own convictions that I’d be forced to ‘shut up’ someone else), but it would help put some of your other tastes (i.e., cinema) in perspective.
Phew! I’m off the hook. I recognize their contribution; just don’t care so much for the tunes.
Listening to “Achy Breaky Heart” for any length of time will significantly lower your IQ. Prolonged exposure to “Achy Breaky Heart” may cause one to forgo dental hygiene, take up the dip habit, and display an unhealthy interest in all things NASCAR.
Smaktakula,
Poor Rebecca Black – well, not so poor. Can’t wait for the sequel.
Now, as for earwigs…
I’m actually a fan of the oft-covered “Popcorn.”
Great, now I’m scared of heights, rats and earwigs……(and lmao about the 80′s music…I bet you know the words to every one of those songs)
And what’s happening now is that a few of these audio horrors are fighting for play in my brain. I just know they’re all going to start replaying at once, resulting in the unholiest of remixes. Thanks.
The sad thing is, all these songs made it into someones music collection.