Headlines: 06.29.12

By Smaktakula

You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.

Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.

Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.

World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.

NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.

Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.

Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.

“Am I The One That Likes To Get Peed On? I Can’t Even Remember Any More.”

Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’

Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ‘em back.

Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.

Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?

Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?

For $9 An Hour And A Big Mac, He’ll Be Anyone You Want Him To.

Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.

Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.

Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.

French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.

Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.

We’d Fly A Lot More, That’s For Damn Sure.

Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.

RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”

Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.

Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.

TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”

The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.

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24 Responses to Headlines: 06.29.12

  1. crubin says:

    Shoot. I should’ve known my stripping down at the airport this week would make the news.

  2. El Guapo says:

    I always thought the original purpose of pottery was to make bongs.
    You know, necessity and all…

  3. And here I thought running with scissors was merely unwise, not a Class D felony. (Unless of course you are shitfaced drunk and chasing after your current piece of ass with them.)
    Why, oh why, does drunkenness so often lead to forgetting those basic life skills you should have learned in preschool?

  4. I’m not sure I trust the French on early Afghan withdrawal. They may say they’ll pull out but then they don’t, and then 9 months later you’re left with little French babies amassing along your border.

  5. God, I’m laughing so hard – I’m just speechless…I can’t compete with ya’ll for laughs – ya’ll are in a much higher league than me…funny post and funny as hell comments!!!!!

    • Smaktakula says:

      Aw, don’t sell yourself short Chica Blanco. I agree, though, that sometimes the comments are as funny (I can’t bring myself to say ‘funnier’ even if it is true) as my posts.

  6. tomsimard says:

    I loved the one on the witness and the second shooter. Their confusion is understandable. There had to be a second shooter, right? If I’ve learned anything in my short time on this earth (and there are people who will make the claim I haven’t), it’s that every assassination must be the result of a conspiracy.

    • Smaktakula says:

      And even if it’s not, it sometimes comes down to what is believed. So much of our history, and of our understanding of ourselves is built on myth, after all.

  7. seapunk2 says:

    Very funny stuff. Even the advertisement was hilarious. :D

  8. Elliot says:

    “There’s an anomaly in the crotch area” – classic

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