Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.
In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing
Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What? Are you a child? No!
Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’
Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.
How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.
Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!
Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties. Twice, whatever. Get the fuck out.
Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food. . . . Oh, right. Sit tight, folks.
Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.
Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.
Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?
Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.
Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”
Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!
Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.
Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.
25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?
When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.
Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.
Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers. Maybe it does anyway.
Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.
Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”
Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.
Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.
Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.
Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.
Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.
Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.
Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.
Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy. If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.
Recent Headlines Not Included Above
(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)
Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!