Best of Headlines Part I

By Smaktakula

Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.

“No, I Said It Made Me Want To ‘Matriculate.’…What?…Well, Sure–That, Too.”

In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing

***

Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What?  Are you a child?  No!

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?  ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving On skis, just like they do everything else.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!

Yeah, I’m Pretty Sure They Heard You. Next Time, Just S-P-E-L-L It Out, Okay?

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

“What Kind Of Parents Do You Think We Are? When A Hairy, Naked Stranger Asks If He Can Take Teddy To The Beach For The Weekend, You Can Bet We’ll Ask A Few Questions. He Checks Out, Though, And Told Us He’d Have Teddy Back Sometime On Monday Or Tuesday.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”

Housewife to pen memoir This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.

You’d Think He’d Have Been Smart Enough Not To Leave A Paper Trail.

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

No, Bro–The Headband Totally Covers It! Rusty, My Man–I Think Tonight Is Finally Your Night!

Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

We’d Offer You Our Lunch, But Regrettably,We Lost It Just Moments Ago.

Prevent STDs like a porn star Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Write Your Own Caption About The US Navy. It Should Contain At Least One Childishly Suggestive Reference (e.g., “Swabbing The Poop Deck!”, “Thar He Blows!” Or “I’m Securing Your Shit Below Deck, Sir!”), And Make Gratuitous Use Of The Word ‘Seamen.’ Support Our Troops!

Recent Headlines Not Included Above

(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)

Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!

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29 Responses to Best of Headlines Part I

  1. Sweet Fancy Moses, Smak. I continue to be in awe of your talents. I know it’s hard to tell sometimes because I usually look like a slack-jawed idiot but this really is because of awe.

  2. Alex Autin says:

    I don’t know why I even bother to check out other news sources.

    • Smaktakula says:

      As a comparison. When you can see that their news is all factual and lame, it really makes you appreciate our cheerful aspersions and tasteless rumor-mongering. Thanks, Alex!

  3. You Always Put Out “THE ONION” Type Quality, Only It’s Better ’cause I Actually Know You! hahahaha Love’em, Dude!
    -B.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Brad! I’m really glad you enjoyed them, and hope you’ll like Part II as well. When I had finally set the headlines for these two posts, two of ‘em involved the Navy (the other one is in Part II–different gag entirely; I tried not to repeat the same themes for I & II, although I might have another French-basher in II, but I don’t count that), and I definitely thought of you. Thanks again, Bro!

  4. El Guapo says:

    Nice to look back at the work of young Smak and Tardsie and see how homosexually obsessed they were back then too.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
    Is the Vike a suppository?

    • Smaktakula says:

      Guap, I’ll have you know that today, we are as obsessed as ever with homosexuality. As a perspicacious fellow and reader familiar with these pages, you must realize that while the passage of time has certainly aged us as it does all of God’s creatures, our maturity remains defiantly stunted in the face of the implacable ravages of time!

      And, although it hadn’t occurred to me (and wish it wasn’t now), yes–yes, the Vicodin could be administered “Australia Style.”

      • El Guapo says:

        That stunted maturity is what brings me back here time after time.
        Unfortunately, it also means I have to bear fthe imagery of “Australian Style”.
        Ah well…

  5. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Funny as hell! You nail them every time. (my dogs CAN read my mind!)

    • Smaktakula says:

      Are you sure it’s not just that you always happen to be thinking “Take Me For A Walk!” or “I Need To Go To The Bathroom NOW!”? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that’s all THEY think.

      • whiteladyinthehood says:

        When Mackster was little I used to hug him cause he was abused and I wanted him to know what love was…so now if I’m sitting outside on the back steps if he senses I’m sad, he comes over and sits by me and presses his head and shoulders against me (and gives me a hug!) that’s so sweet…and NO I do not think dogs are psychic but I do think they are sensitive to my moods. :)

  6. Brigitte says:

    The remarks after your headlines are funny, Smak. But the naked dude picture is something I can unsee. Ew.

  7. Brigitte says:

    I meant CAN’T UNSEE.

    • Smaktakula says:

      It makes you wish you were Brain-Blind, huh?
      I’m just saddened that when I finally decided to post a picture of myself on my own site, everybody’s reaction to it was just so negative!

      • Anonymous says:

        Wow, the voice so does not go with the picture. I’ll go with my imaginary vision instead.

      • Smaktakula says:

        You know, if I had a dollar for every time a woman said that after meeting me for the first time, I’d have…well, I’d at least have $50, which isn’t a lot of money, so it kind of deflates the analogy I was trying to make, but that’s a lot of times.
        I should have said $100 for each time. I just don’t know who would pay me that kind of money to get rejected.

  8. Elliot says:

    The one about the shark expert makes me think of the film Jaws. When the expert hunter whos name currently escapes me, is doing his pitch, he starts with “Sure, I’ll catch that bird for you…”. I always think, there’s your first mistake, he’s supposed to be an expert in hunting sharks.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Quint. He gives one of my favorite movie soliloquies of all time. Turns out that the soliloquy wasn’t in the script (it sure as hell wasn’t in the book which spawned the movie; the book was entertaining, but pretty pedestrian, a word I like saying because it makes me feel self-important), but was written by the actor, Robert Shaw.

      I’d never noticed the poor metaphor before. You can bet it’ll stick with me now!

  9. seapunk2 says:

    Very entertaining! I am wondering though, if scientists want Uranus or mine?

  10. tomsimard says:

    Yoko Ono may have broken up The Beatles but since then she’s given to the world music that cannot be forgotten. I’ll admit it’s an acquired taste. Let’s say Boone’s Farm without the kick and plenty of screeching.

    • Smaktakula says:

      since then she’s given to the world music that cannot be forgotten
      Very true, Tom. Cholera has given to the world in much the same way.

      Loved the Boone’s analogy As for me, I always saw Yoko as more of a Night Train gal.

  11. renxkyoko says:

    o.^ ” After seeing all those awesome nude statues of men in Europe, the pic you showed here is a letdown. ~.~ He he

    And, not that the French are better parents….. the writer just let her children go wild… it’s so obvious.

  12. Anastasia says:

    Hmmph.. And I always thought heroine was just a more delicate drug.

  13. Aight. I got something to say. Once again, yes, ubiquitously, ineluctably, you make me snort some human though surely-not substance out my nose (amidst a lot of clapping my hand over my face) with your excessively lol-some blog. Please start taping these run-throughs, I can’t read that much (too busy laughing) and stop making girls do boy things. I really.. I mean you comment on SO MANY headlines… cannot possibly respond to each and every hilarious riposte…

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