In which we present Part II of the Lost Headlines.
Look, if you want to waste your time reading the articles, more power to you. As for us, the headlines tell us all we really need to know.
The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!
Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ It’s like we told our folks, by taking the necessary steps now, they can help THEMSELVES to ensure that their final years are not marked by the joyless isolation of the state-funded nursing home. A real good start would be to peel off some of that ‘retirement nest egg’ savings to cover Smaktakula’s gambling debts. We could use a little ‘walking around’ money, too.
‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s not the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.
Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.
Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.
The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins are the short-bus riders of aquatic mammals–how are those chirping attention-whores supposed to clear the Strait of Hormuz when they can’t even seem to avoid tuna nets?
One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.
User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, Sally So-Sad–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation and pain. It probably feels better to know, huh?
Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.
FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the guys you least suspect.
Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression ~ It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.
Europe’s debt could sink US ~ This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US would be obliged to pay.
The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.
Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.
The Cheapest People in America ~ Ha! Yeah, that’s who we were thinking, too. But no, it’s the Scots, apparently.
Online dating? Why no one wants you ~ Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.
Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.
Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.
What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.
My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ Sir, you’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.
How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny. ~ The secret is tapeworms.
Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a very bad boy.
Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.
Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.
What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ Frankly, we just don’t know, and we can’t afford to take that chance.
Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? — Damn! This is comedy gold!
Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, Americans have seen a marked uptick in tidy homes, reversing a quarter-century trend.
Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.
The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against “The Greatest Generation,” go for the hip–it’s their weak spot.
Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.
Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square ~ If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.
Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~Don’t be naive, fool! Whitey’s influence goes all the way to the top!
Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.
Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.
Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ You’re talking about chickens, right? Please tell us you’re talking about chickens.
The next headlines you see will be all new!