Best of Headlines II

By Smaktakula

In which we present Part II of the Lost Headlines.

We’ll Try Not To Let It Go To Waste.

Look, if you want to waste your time reading the articles, more power to you. As for us, the headlines tell us all we really need to know.

***

The Upside of Dyslexia There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ It’s like we told our folks, by taking the necessary steps now, they can help THEMSELVES to ensure that their final years are not marked by the joyless isolation of the state-funded nursing home. A real good start would be to peel off some of that ‘retirement nest egg’ savings to cover Smaktakula’s gambling debts. We could use a little ‘walking around’ money, too.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s not the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins are the short-bus riders of aquatic mammals–how are those chirping attention-whores supposed to clear the Strait of Hormuz when they can’t even seem to avoid tuna nets?

Why Do You Suppose We Stick Them In Round Pools With No Sharp Edges?

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, Sally So-Sad–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation and pain. It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY The Germans? Wow, it’s always the guys you least suspect.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression ~ It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Europe’s debt could sink US ~ This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US would be obliged to pay.

“Just As Your Corpses Once Stunk Up Our Beautiful Beaches, So Shall We Be Forever Stinky To You.”

The Bilingual Advantage The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

The Cheapest People in America ~ Ha! Yeah, that’s who we were thinking, too. But no, it’s the Scots, apparently.

Online dating? Why no one wants you ~ Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Some Peaches Scream When You Eat ‘Em.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ Sir, you’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny. ~ The secret is tapeworms.

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a very bad boy.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

True Story: Many Years Ago, French Soldiers Stole Most Of The Few Remaining Possessions Owned By Tardsie’s Widowed Grandmother And Her Three Young Children. But In A Way, They Had Been Asking For It, Too.

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ Frankly, we just don’t know, and we can’t afford to take that chance.

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? — Damn! This is comedy gold!

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, Americans have seen a marked uptick in tidy homes, reversing a quarter-century trend.

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children Whore.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against “The Greatest Generation,” go for the hip–it’s their weak spot.

Don’t Let The Boring Stories About His Grandchildren Fool You. He’d Kill You And Your Family In A Heartbeat If Given Half The Chance.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~Don’t be naive, fool! Whitey’s influence goes all the way to the top!

Having to think about the unthinkable Is, by definition, impossible.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ You’re talking about chickens, right? Please tell us you’re talking about chickens.

Unfortunately, We’re Pretty Sure That’s Pork.

The next headlines you see will be all new!

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20 Responses to Best of Headlines II

  1. HAHAHAHA CLASSIC, DUDE!
    Simply CLASSIC!
    Love’em, OF COURSE!
    -B.

  2. Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
    These Are PRICELESS!
    I Literally Laughed So Hard I ALMOST Peed! hahahahaha

  3. seapunk2 says:

    So sorry, but I so clicked on the headline about the sad sister not having so much luck in finding so many friends. So, I didn’t read it, because it so started with “SO,” and if a posts starts with ‘so,” so sorry, I SO can’t read it.
    And there’s more, but I’m checkin’ ‘em out now.
    Great stuff, love your headlines posts.

  4. seapunk2 says:

    “Having to think the unthinkable.” LA Times puts this shit in their papers? O. M. G. What a load of bullshit. Love the circular reasoning for a headline. As I say, circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works… It’s the song that never ends. And the “unthinkable” is planning for your death. What a moron.

  5. Bumba says:

    Good ones. I’m still thinking about the thinking about the unthinkable one.

  6. clownonfire says:

    Smak,
    Ok. The little girl shaking out of salmonella, made me laugh out loud. The Ringmistress asked me if I was talking to her, from the kitchen, just from my burst of laughter.
    Le Clown

  7. Elliot says:

    Good ones (as was said above). May I offer an alternative to the Oprah one?
    – Only for her to turn round and shout “quiet moron, Oprah’s now going to teach you something”, with her patronising new channel.
    She’s going to get me with her lightening bolts now isn’t she?

    • Smaktakula says:

      She’s going to get me with her lightening bolts now isn’t she?
      Either that or send her acolytes after you! I’ll say this, Oprah sure puts the “fat” in fatwa!

  8. tomsimard says:

    I snorted with laughter while reading about Putin vs. Nakh-Nakh but soon grew deadly serious as I began thinking of how much Putin is to be admired. Is there anything he can’t do? Pilot. Pianist. Jiu-Jitsuer.

    I’d actually imagined him wrestling a pig. Would a victory on his part not be proof positive of man’s dominion over animals? I made the mistake, however, of doing what you have so wisely warned us against. Yes, I read the article. I can only compare my disillusionment to the little boy’s in Carol Reed’s Fallen Idol.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I have occasionally gone back to read the articles, but it’s like seeing the movie version of a favorite novel. They always disappoint.
      Putin is the very concept of manliness given human form. Sadly, who knew manliness was so damn sinister?

      • tomsimard says:

        Sinister describes it perfectly.

        Putin is the perfect example of an emperor who makes a point at every opportunity of showing everyone he is fully clothed.

      • Smaktakula says:

        Putin is the perfect example of an emperor who makes a point at every opportunity of showing everyone he is fully clothed.

        That’s brilliant, Tom!
        The clothes indeed have an emperor. Inquiring into the matter further is inadvisable.

  9. El Guapo says:

    I’m amazed you haven’t been sued by the National Enquirer yet.
    Or hired.

  10. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Hysterical.
    – Dolphins are the short-bus riders of aquatic mammals – (that just really cracked me up)….
    Thank for always making me laugh!

  11. Okay, the ones about “The Good Wife,” the rear-ended SF cable car, the European debt sinking the US, and the Tennessee woman with the Ethiopian children—each one made me laugh out loud, big time. When you die, please leave your twisted brain to science so that they can study it.

    • Smaktakula says:

      No! The madness must die with me.
      In all seriousness, I have three sons, and I’m pretty sure that most or all of ‘em have it.
      Thanks–those were some of my faves, too–and the French joke. A Frog joke doesn’t even have to be good for me to enjoy it.

  12. “Don’t Burn Your Baby In The Oven”
    Of course not! I prefer to use a microwave.

  13. I’ve been laughing and snorting so much reading these that Lil’ K. wants to know if I’m reading about Jack and the Beanstalk’s butt. I told her that I was reading about some guy named Jack in a cable car in a place named San Francisco…

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