Headlines: The Snake That Grows When You Stroke It

By Smaktakula

Obama’s Regular Polling Of Swing-State Female Voters Indicates Their Growing Excitement About His Stimulus Measure.

In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.

***

After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.

Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!

Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.

Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.

Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!

“Do You Think They Paint Crosswalks On The Street Just So You Can Cross Wherever You Fucking Feel Like?”

Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.

Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’

Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.

A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.

Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.

“From Hell’s Heart, I Stab At Thee!”

When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.

A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.

US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.

An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?

Where Do Sentences Come From? What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.

15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.

Aside From Portraying Elves At Christmastime, About The Only Use For The Short Is Making Normals Look Really Tall. And Handsome.

The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.

Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.

Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.

Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?

Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile,  his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.

“Dave, It’s RIGHT THERE! Just Grab The Ring, Man! Dave! Dave!…Damn! Can He Not Hear Me Or Something?”

Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.

A Complete Guide to ‘Hipster Racism’ “Yeah, right now I like to hate on Andorrks. Andorra is a very small principality in Europe. You probably haven’t heard of it.”

Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.

Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans.  Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”

9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.

Actually, This One Probably Should Remain A No-No.

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27 Responses to Headlines: The Snake That Grows When You Stroke It

  1. My God, man, I don’t know where you find this stuff, but I always look forward to it. I know, there’s something wrong with me. Must have been my strict Catholic childhood.

  2. Alex Autin says:

    I don’t even know where to start. I should be use to this by now, but each time I come back here, I mean EVERY FREAKING TIME, I’m amazed…and yeah, I also feel I need a shower afterwards.
    Hilarious, Smak. From Hell’s Heart, I stab at thee….

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks for the kind words, the mention today and for making science interesting.

      But science is interesting in and of itself!

      Oh come on, now–you don’t really expect me to believe that, do you?

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    “A Dog Called Irony”—I can’t even begin to articulate how badly I feel for laughing at that.

  4. tomsimard says:

    Passing out free joints can only help Amtrak. Of course, it would help the airlines as well, but they’re too busy strip searching passengers to realize it.

  5. Bumba says:

    Some real funny ones today. Be careful, though. I thought one or two of them were in good taste.

  6. calahan says:

    Congratulations on besting your bed wetting problem, man. That’s fantastic! Was it relegated to your bed or was it just anytime you passed a bed?

  7. workspousestory says:

    Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama – this one is just… pure gold.
    My goodness.

  8. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Oh my gosh! I actually heard of the preacher who kicks folks before I read it here! (who would have believed that, not I)

  9. Elliot says:

    I like the “woman who rescued animals killed by dog” the best. Although it’s not really funny.

    The penis snake one is also funny (did you see this on “why evolution is true”).

  10. Two questions: Was the quadriplegic swimmer’s name “Bob?” and is there any conceivable reason why anyone would want to bleach their One Brown Eye?

  11. El Guapo says:

    Dude, I was hating on Andorra months ago. You aren’t hip enough to hold my free-trade-organic-picked-by-virgin-Mets-fans-Andelusian-spice-infused-herbal-fizzless-soda.

  12. Anastasia says:

    So did Bob make it across Bering, or is he adrift?

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