In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.
After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.
Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!
Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain ~ After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.
Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.
Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!
Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.
Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’
Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them ~ It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.
A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.
Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.
When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.
A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.
US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time ~ It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.
An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary ~ Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?
Where Do Sentences Come From? ~ What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.
15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.
The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.
Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.
Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.
Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?
Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile, his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.
Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real ~ Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.
Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.
Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans. Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”
9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.