In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.
The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.
MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.
TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?
Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”
Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.
Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?
Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.
‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.
Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?
Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.
What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.
‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?
Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”
Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.
Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.
If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?
Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.
American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ‘em the ‘Air Hags’ now.
Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket -And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!
Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.
“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.
Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.
Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?
Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.
Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.
Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!
What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.
Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?