Headlines 10.02.12

By Smaktakula

See, Folks? Scientists Aren’t Any Smarter Than You Are, And Apparently Get Laid About As Frequently.

***

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the stories. It’s well-known that most news stories are written at no less than a sixth-grade level, and folks–we don’t read too good.

***

Racism could sway the election ~ Because–God knows–the first Western country to elect a black man as president just HAS to be a bigot’s paradise.

A day in the life of a New York Fashion Week model ~ Smoke cigarette. Breakfast: 2 Rye-Crisp crackers & Ex-Lax.  Smoke cigarette. Purge. Smoke some heroin. Nod out. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Repeat.

Does Louisville Need More Highways? ~ Does Louisville even have paved roads?

How Everest dream ended in tragedy You know, it seems like an awful lot of them end that way. Maybe try a smaller mountain.

UN observers investigate reported Syria massacre ~ Their findings? “Somebody should do something about that.”

Despite Its Mind-Boggling, Unforgivably Heart-Breaking Impotence, The United Nations Has Yet To Meet Its Equal When It Comes To Hand-Wringing, Finger-Pointing And Speechifying.

Why Parents (and Teachers) Should Embrace Captain Underpants ~ So they can hold that wily fucker down until the cops arrive. Even one more child is one child too many.

Will the Occupy movement dissolve Spain’s parliament? ~ We wouldn’t put a lot of money on it. ‘Accomplishing stuff’ really wasn’t Occupy’s thing, you know?

Protests are as mindless as anti-Islam film ~ Right? Sure, the film hurt feelings, but those protests cost people their lives, so they’re equally bad!

What to Do If Your Child Is the Victim of Cyberbullying Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends.

Europeans would re-elect Obama in a landslide: poll ~Gosh. It sure is hard to discount the political wisdom of the folks who within living memory happily put into office a dude so thoroughly heinous that he remains to this day the benchmark for bloodthirsty, mass-murdering madmen.

And Then, Of Course, There’s This Fellow. Did You Still Need A Few More Examples, Or Are You Content For The Time Being To Tend To Your Own Fucking Knitting?

The most important conversation you’ll ever have ~ Won’t be with the assbag sitting next to you on a long flight. But you already knew that.

Deciding When a Pet Has Suffered Enough ~ Mr. Mittens made the decision to shit on the carpet; we’ll decide when Mr. Mittens has suffered enough.

Anti-Islam Filmmaker Who Provoked Attacks Used Pseudonym ~ Wouldn’t you? Man, if there were such a thing as a prosthetic name, we’d be telling this guy to go right out and buy one.

Model Teacher Accused Of Sex With Student AND she’s a model? Kid, you hit the fucking jackpot!

10 Medical Conditions Misdiagnosed as ADHD ~ Is “retardedness” a medical condition?

Schwarzenegger: Affair ‘stupidest thing’ he did while married ~ Are you sure the stupidest thing you did wasn’t starring in that movie ‘Junior?’ Because, seriously–that’s got to be right up there.

Cheating On The Fabulously-Wealthy Living Skeleton You Married Was Inarguably Dumb, But This!–This Remains An Affront To All That Is Good And Decent.

Congress has little motivation for compromise before election Or after.

Class Reunion Letter Lists ‘White Graduates Only’ Party ~ We’re pretty sure that even had the school’s black alumni been invited to the party, most of them probably would have declined, as many no doubt live about 1,000,000 miles from that shithole, and moreover, will likely only be induced to return on the day that the devil sees his breath while standing on his own front porch.

A Terrifying Way to Discipline Children ~ Is acceptable if it gets the job done.

Teenagers Say Parents Text and Drive ~ Yeah, but how seriously can you take what they say? Teenagers can’t even be trusted to tell you where they were last night.

Exercising Won’t Help Overweight Children Shed Pounds: Study ~ Okay, first of all, bullshit. Secondly, please don’t tell them–it tickles us so to watch the fatties run.

No bowing necessary for Americans ~ And all it cost us was two atom bombs.

And You Know What? It Looks Like We’re Gonna Stay With Our Forks, Too.

Confronted about child porn, man shoots two deputies ~ They should have figured he’d be a little sensitive about that.

Will Starving Yourself Help You Live Longer? ~ As much as bleeding a lot will.

At Estée Lauder, a Brand Is Developed Just for China ~ It’s called “Estée Rauder.”

Woman Sues Ex Over Trove of Secret Tapes ~ Despite what the headline says, we’re inclined to believe that the woman’s lawsuit against her ex concerns a trove of very public tapes.

Man Mauled in Bronx Zoo Tiger Den ~ Both parties got their just desserts.

“He Wasn’t All That GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!”

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35 Responses to Headlines 10.02.12

  1. Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
    Oh, How I Love Me Some Headlines! :D
    -BRAD

  2. Totally Love’em Dude!
    So I Gave Them Some Hot… Reblog… Action!
    -B,

  3. Some more true classics this week. I loved the one about Mr. Mittens. And, “…it looks like we’re gonna stay with our forks, too,” cracked me up.
    Great stuff, man.
    Bill

    • Smaktakula says:

      Glad you liked it, Bill –“Mr. Mittens” was a favorite of ours as well. Sorry about the delay in replying–yesterday I finished that project I’d mentioned, and am starting my next one today.

  4. Fish Out of Water says:

    “They should have figured he’d be a little sensitive about that.” – busted out laughing! Hilarious!

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ahh, as politically correct as ever, I see…

    Do you know that the man in the last article deliberately jumped from a monorail train into the tiger’s den, because he wanted to be one with the tiger? But he apparently wasn’t drunk, high, or suffering from mental illness. Hmmm…

    • Smaktakula says:

      But he apparently wasn’t drunk, high, or suffering from mental illness. Hmmm…

      He HAD to be one of those things. My money’s on the third.

      And it’s funny you should ask, Connie, yes we HAD heard those things. This is normally something we don’t do, but for you, we’ll peel back the curtain a little and show you two headlines that DIDN’T make the cut (and now won’t be appearing in the upcoming feature Headlines: The Duds)

      Man explains why he leaped into tiger’s den ~ “Okay, well the first thing you need to understand is that I’m a fucking moron…”

      and

      Mauled man: I wanted to be one with the tiger ~ And in this he was successful.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Oh, I wouldn’t call those duds. Those were funny.

        I sent out a tweet this morning linking to an article about a farmer that got eaten by his own hogs. I felt badly afterwards for tweeting it, but I wasn’t mocking it. It’s really a horrible, bizarre, sad story. Just one of those things that’s hard to believe.

  6. “Estée Rauder.” was great!!!

  7. renxkyoko says:

    Re the headlines, kind of simple-minded…like that headline about frequent sex enhancing pregnancy. I hooe they didn’t spend millions of dollars to arrive at this conclusion.

  8. El Guapo says:

    Surprised there was nothing about the upcoming debates.
    Hopefully, ace reporter Tardsie will have a front row seat and bring us the news later in the week…

  9. Elliot says:

    I don’t know why (as it makes me sound like a psycho) but deciding if your pet has suffered enough really amused me. It gave me an odd image of my cat looking at me, and me telling the cat ” you may go back to what you were doing now “. Not that I make our cat suffer, I might add. The previously non social beast seems to like our boy.

    Did you ever read / hear of the Schwarzenegger “eating is not cheating” rumor?

    • Smaktakula says:

      Did you ever read / hear of the Schwarzenegger “eating is not cheating” rumor?
      No, what’s that?

      Glad to hear the non-social beast likes your boy. That happens sometimes. When I was born my family had a very disagreeable dog, and they feared that when I was born they would have to get rid of him. For whatever reason, the dog adored me.

      • “Eating is not cheating” – is very similar to Bill Clinton’s assertion that “a BJ is not sex” – so, apparently it must not be sex when you return the favor either.

      • Elliot says:

        The story is along the lines of him being interrupted by a runner who opened the door to his on (movie) set RV or equivalent, to find him going down on a woman. He looked up and said “eating isn’t cheating”.

        I don’t recall whether it was supposed to be true or not, or just one of those on set myths, but it makes for an amusing story.

  10. Estee Rauder. Yep. I knew I could count on you.

    And what, just because Stalin was a paranoid, delusional freakshow who murdered millions of his own people, makes the Russians maybe not the best people to ask about American politics? Surely their recent experience with democracy would be enough to….oh wait. Never mind.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Estee Rauder. Yep. I knew I could count on you.

      Sometimes we’ve just gotta go highbrow, y’know?

      Regarding the Stalin/Hitler/Euro thing. I think it’s like complaining about your mom. If you say, “My mom is such a bitch,” that’s one thing, but if I say, “Yeah, your mom is a bitch,” I’m about to get a beat down. I feel like that when Europeans opine too loudly on our government.

  11. tomsimard says:

    I now understand why models aren’t as slim as they once were: they’re actually eating something.

  12. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I did read the article about cyberbullying…but I find your statement: Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends – golden!

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Chicago Blanca! I don’t want to discount the very real impact of bullying, but I think as a society we’ve become WAY too precious about it in the past five years or so. I don’t believe the problem has gotten any worse (in fact, I think it’s most likely gotten better), but our attitude to it has changed drastically. We’re looking for it now.

      “Words” have now been added to “Sticks and Stones” in the list of things which “will break my bones.”

  13. calahan says:

    Wait, so kids are the result of some kind of sexual intercourse between people involved in intercourse? My mind was just blown, man. And not in a fun way.

    • Smaktakula says:

      between people involved in intercourse?

      That’s my understanding. It’s a little more complicated than that. I’d been trying intercourse to produce children for years, but with no results. In my case, it wasn’t until I found an opposite-gender partner that things really started happening.

      • The only problem with that is when men get older, sometimes Mr. Willie doesn’t perform anymore. So if you’re a dude and you want kids, remember that Mr. Willie might not always rise to the occasion. Especially if you like to drink and smoke.
        My old man went to the Dr. last week and the Dr. wanted to see his sexual organs. He wiggled his finger and stuck out his tongue.
        My old man’s a big fan of “coyote sex,” aka: lie beside the hole and howl.

      • calahan says:

        This is all news to me. So all of this time I’ve put into my relationship with Inflatable Jenny is a waste of time? She’s gonna be heartbroken. Fortunately, she came with a patch kit, but still.

  14. Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? Can I blame Captain Underpants for both of these things? (I’m kind of a Freudian thinker.)

    Also, since I can tell political correctness is clearly your thing… When I get a wedding invitation that says “Black Tie”, can I call up the bride and accuse her of reverse racism until she cries? What? It’s not my fault that she’s a racist.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Can I blame Captain Underpants for both of these things?
      Not only CAN you, but you definitely should!

      Love the black tie story. Yes, political correctness is very important to us here!

  15. It can be dangerous to make the fat kids run, even though I’m sure the exercise isn’t hurting them any. I had a fat kid fall on me during a game of “touch” football and I swear I got a broken rib out of the deal.

    It is, however, fun to make the geeky kids run, because they all run like girls- until they fall. Every day I thank God for that Dr.’s note that got me out of gym class and safely in Home Ec and/or Typing, with all the other geeks-n-freaks!

  16. LOL, particularly @ “What to Do If Your Child Is the Victim of Cyberbullying ~ Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends” Awww… poor kid! I would *beat* any child that was even remotely rude to my kid, but that’s just me: the “anti-tiger” mom :-)

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