In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles
9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.
Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.
Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.
A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.
Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?
Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion?
Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.
Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.
Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.
Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’
Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.
How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.
Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.
Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.
Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.
Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”
Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.
Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.
T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?
Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.
Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…
Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.
Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.
Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.
Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?
LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.
Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!
5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!