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By Smaktakula

Not All Of Our Time-Travel Dreams Involve Doin’ The Nasty With Joan Of Arc.

Were I able to travel through time and make the 4th dimension my bitch, I’d try to use my power wisely. One thing that I think would be a lot of fun is to travel forward in time. The first thing I’d do is track down the dude¹ who will eventually cure cancer, and punch him in his fucking face.

The Second Worst Thing About Cancer Is That It Turns The People Who Love You Into Humorless Ninnies. The Worst Thing? We Suspect You Already Know.

Wait a minute now, righteous ragers–hear me out! Like just about everyone else on planet earth, I’ve felt cancer’s collateral damage. I know about loss.

On The Bright Side, A Broken Heart Makes You A Stronger Person.

But just think about it: when history tells the story of the dude who finally cured cancer, the tale will be that much cooler if, in addition to all the other obstacles surmounted in his quest to eradicate this hideous disease, he managed to do it despite some asshole punching him in the face.

“First Of All, I’d Like To Thank The Nobel Committee For Selecting Me For This Singular Honor…”

¹Readers may wonder, what if the person who discovers a cure for cancer is a woman? Well, that would undo all our plans, as punching a woman is just beastly. But seriously, it’ll be a man. ∞ T.