Give Cancer A Punch

By Smaktakula

Not All Of Our Time-Travel Dreams Involve Doin’ The Nasty With Joan Of Arc.

Were I able to travel through time and make the 4th dimension my bitch, I’d try to use my power wisely. One thing that I think would be a lot of fun is to travel forward in time. The first thing I’d do is track down the dude¹ who will eventually cure cancer, and punch him in his fucking face.

The Second Worst Thing About Cancer Is That It Turns The People Who Love You Into Humorless Ninnies. The Worst Thing? We Suspect You Already Know.

Wait a minute now, righteous ragers–hear me out! Like just about everyone else on planet earth, I’ve felt cancer’s collateral damage. I know about loss.

On The Bright Side, A Broken Heart Makes You A Stronger Person.

But just think about it: when history tells the story of the dude who finally cured cancer, the tale will be that much cooler if, in addition to all the other obstacles surmounted in his quest to eradicate this hideous disease, he managed to do it despite some asshole punching him in the face.

“First Of All, I’d Like To Thank The Nobel Committee For Selecting Me For This Singular Honor…”

¹Readers may wonder, what if the person who discovers a cure for cancer is a woman? Well, that would undo all our plans, as punching a woman is just beastly. But seriously, it’ll be a man. ∞ T.
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16 Responses to Give Cancer A Punch

  1. Bumba says:

    Only Promethean Times could write an article like this! Or would. What’s with the potatoes?

  2. Alex Autin says:

    It’s not just that you want to punch him in his face, it’s that you want to punch him in his fucking face. Huge difference. And yep, it’ll be a man….

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    Your mind takes you to weird places. Perhaps it’s because of the punches you yourself have sustained? At least you don’t have braces anymore…

  4. tomsimard says:

    I think it’s the Grim Reaper who needs to be punched. But don’t tell him I said so.

  5. I completely agree with you. I mean, these research scientist types are all nerdy little wonks. They work in labs all day, sheltered from the rest of the world. So you’d be doing the guy a favor—you’d be upping his street cred in the scientific community AND giving him a story that will make him seem totally badass to his fellow Poindexters.

  6. El Guapo says:

    Shouldn’t you bring him back in time to cure cancer now, and then punch him in the face?

  7. ¹Readers may wonder, what if the person who discovers a cure for cancer is a woman? Well, that would undo all our plans, as punching a woman is just beastly. But seriously, it’ll be a man. ∞ T.
    Hahahaha, too funny.

  8. But suppose, after you punch him, he suffers amnesia, and can’t remember just what the damn cure was after all? Awkward moment!

  9. Dude…so not gonna be a man. Probably be a transgender person. Take THAT, Promethean Times! But seriously I don’t think there will ever be a cure for cancer. Because although cancer is generally speaking, an overgrowth of cells, there are many different type of cancers, some with very specific causes. There probably can’t be one cure for something with more than one cause.

  10. Luddy's Lens says:

    Awww, ‘fraid of a little hair-pulling and eye-gouging? Just ’cause YOU can’t fight in pumps. Bring it on, motorfolker!!!

  11. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Whoa…the beat~up guy….looks like HE got hit by a bus…that’s a helluva punch you got there…

  12. calahan says:

    Punching the guy who cures cancer in the face after he cures cancer makes more sense because he won’t be expecting that, it’ll throw him off-guard. “Seriously?! I cured cancer and I still get no respect from people? Dammit!”

  13. You could do body-specific punching. Like punch the person who cures dick cancer in the dick and nads.

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