Headlines 12.10.12

By Smaktakula

Once A Staple In Grocery Store Check-Out Aisles Across The Nation, The Weekly World News’ Folksy Exaggerations And Fanciful Tales Were No Match For The Real-Time Prevarications And High-Tech Lies Being Spread Around The Clock By The Likes Of FOX News And MSNBC.

In which we base our comments solely on the headlines. We leave the actual reading to society dames, old people and the friendless sissy boys who enjoy that kind of thing.

***

7 Reasons Your Neighbors Have More Money Than You ~ They’re simply better people and deserve to lead more pleasant and exciting lives. That’s why.

Octomom AVN Awards: Nadya Suleman ‘Blown Away’ By Porn Award Nomination ~ This is the first time we can recall feeling sorry for legitimate porn actors. It also marks the first time we’ve thought of them as in any way ‘legitimate.’

Post-Katrina funds run dry First of all, ha ha–’dry’–classy. Secondly, New Orleans has been crashing on the national couch for about seven years now; maybe it’s time it got up and went looking for a job. That carton of Newports didn’t buy itself, you know.

Tragedies can’t break heroic NY community’s spirit ~ After Hollywood, has there ever in the annals of recorded history been a city so embarrassingly self-aware and so achingly in need of constant acknowledgement than NYC?

Help! My Grandma Thinks I’m Not Her Son’s Biological Child ~ Look, you’ve got to understand that Grandma’s way of thinking stems from a bygone era. Back in her day a child could still expect a good public school education, so she’s pretty smart.

Saving Somalia: A wasted effort? ~Well, we feel bad saying it, but yeah, don’t you kinda think so?

They Made A Movie About The Last Time We Were There, Which Most Likely Means We Won.

Great White sharks are not dangerous according to daring photographer Okay, be honest now: Who out there isn’t hoping this clown gets gobbled up in a spectacularly messy fashion?

The Island Where People Forget to Die ~ If that really worked, the world would be up to its ass in Alzheimer patients.

Ohio 16-year-old dead after fight with another girl over flatulence FART FIGHT!

Community colleges’ promise meets bitter reality ~ Kids–for real promise, go to real college.

Edward Archbold Cockroach-eating contest winner dies moments after … As if the lame-ass name weren’t bad enough, the ridiculous, undignified death is the icing on the cake. They’re gonna kick you around a bit in heaven, so be ready for that.

Polio: The UN’s Fierce Fight to End the Ancient Scourge ~ Rest easy, folks. With the UN on the case, we almost feel sorry for polio.

Solved Ages Ago. Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Heard Somebody Even MENTION Darfur?

In Des Moines, Turning Off Weather Beacon Unleashes Storm It’s so cute–they really BELIEVE that!

Learning French Is Like Learning Baseball ~ Except that you get more stinky doing it.

Albert Einstein’s Brain May Provide Clues To His Genius, Study Says Nothing better illustrates the contemporary need for an intellect like Einstein’s than the sad fact that scientists are seeking to determine if the brilliant physicist owed his world-class mind to the great big learnin’ muscle inside his skull.

When the Arab Jews Fled Man, when DIDN’T they?

Traci Lords: I Want To Teach My Son To ‘Use His Penis For Good And Not Evil’ The penis does not distinguish between arbitrary human concepts like ‘good’ and ‘evil.’ The penis is the lawgiver. Oh, and Traci’s a fucking halfwit.

Scientists: Genes, not sun, behind redheads’ increased melanoma risk That and the Lord’s disfavor. Can’t forget about the Lord’s disfavor.

And They All Kinda Look Like That Creepy Homicidal Plaything, ‘Chucky The Killer Doll’ From Child’s Play.

The Absurd and Outrageous Trial of Pussy Riot ~ Well, it’s pretty much a given that any forum in which “Pussy” is uttered roughly 3,218 times will be a somewhat less-than-dignified affair.

Alabama man raped his niece while her father watched, police officer testifies ~ The detail which has so far proved most vexing to the investigators is that there appears to have been only one man at the scene of the crime.

In Haiti, Sandy Leaves Behind Death and Devastation ~ More death and devastation, that is. Let’s not pretend the place was Beverly Hills before that hurricane showed up.

A Surfer Waits for a Wave—in Idaho ~ Hope you brought a book, brah.

Give Pot a Chance ~ That’s all we’re saying.

For Asians, School Tests Are Vital Steppingstones “But rest of you all dummies! And so lazy! You lazy dummies all work for me someday!”

Oh, Snap! By That Same Logic, I Guess I Don’t Really Drive An Automobile With Quite As Much Skill As I Think I Do.

How Old is your Dog in Human Years ~ Rusty’s four, moron. The tricky one is ‘dog years.’

10 things trick-or-treaters won’t say ~ “Why, sure!~–I’d be delighted to sip warm Jesus Juice in your basement while you give me a shoulder rub.”

The Elmo Scandal … Forget the Kids, Poor Us! ~ Is your life truly so bereft of real human experience that a scandal involving an imaginary character can so fundamentally undermine the foundation upon which your sense of self rests?

Cops: Bargain-hunter took home TV, left tot ~ That IS a bargain. Think of all the money he’s gonna save over the next sixteen years or so.

Help! My Husband Is Transitioning to a Woman ~ Why don’t YOU help, then? Presumably you’ve had some experience being a chick.

Size does matter in bed, study shows ~ So despite what she tells you, thumbdick, you leave her restless and achingly unfulfilled.

In Case Anyone Wants To Know (Ladies), We Wear A Size 14. Wide.

We Get It, Ladies: You’re Dying To Know, But Embarrassed To Ask–Size 14. Wide.

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24 Responses to Headlines 12.10.12

  1. HAHAHA! What A Way To Wake-Up, Dude!!!
    Thank You For My Morning Laugh-Quota!!! hehehe
    -B.

  2. Elmo made some giggle after all.

  3. That’s so spot on, if NYC was a child, it would be a really irritating needy, whiny one. Also, stealing “thumbdick”, micro-penis was getting old :-) Yukked it up!

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    “We leave the actual reading to society dames, old people and the friendless sissy boys”—Hmm, not sure where I fit in there. And don’t you dare say the middle one.

    From my actual reading, actually a few weeks ago, I heard about the guy who died after the cockroach-eating contest. The article you linked to left out the fun fact that he was in an earthworm-eating contest earlier that day. Yum.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I had you pegged as a society dame, Connie! And I’m not sure why, but an earthworm eating contest doesn’t sound quite so hideous to me as does a cockroach eating contest. Maybe it’s the absence of all those twitching legs going down my gullet.

  5. Elliot says:

    I’m so glad you didn’t put “Alabama man raped his niece while her father watched, police officer testifies” and “Help! My husband is transitioning to a woman” together. That would have been wrong.

  6. El Guapo says:

    I read way too many of the actual articles this week.
    I think my head is going to explode.

  7. unfetteredbs says:

    this was quite the list … octomom and fart fight to death?? What is happening to this world?

  8. Alex Autin says:

    Oh, where to begin? WAY too much good stuff here.

    And thanks for reminding me of Weekly World News and the adventures of Bat Boy!

  9. Great white sharks are not dangerous (!)…people really would tune in to watch this guy get proved wrong! haha. I even watched the documentary on Discovery about the guy who lived with the Kodiak Grizzly bears – at the end, when they attacked and killed him AND his grilfriend…I kept thinking, ‘don’t be shocked…you KNEW this was going to happen…’

    • Smaktakula says:

      Totally. You know, I can have some sympathy for a person killed during dangerous work if (like the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin) they respect the dangerous creatures with which they interact. Grizzly Man was an example of natural selection at work.

  10. calahan says:

    That first one was a homerun. You can really hit the jokes out of the park better than me because, well, you’re a better and more deserving person.

  11. jmmcdowell says:

    You mean the Weekly World News is no more? I obviously haven’t been looking closely enough at the grocery store checkout lanes….

    • Smaktakula says:

      Yeah, it went out a couple years ago. I LOVED the Weekly World News. I think most people lumped it in with the Enquirer and Globe and the like, but in reality (and I’m not being facetious) it was satire. That doesn’t mean there weren’t people who believed it implicitly (I had a shirt-tail relative and WWN reader who once asked me, quite seriously, if I maybe was an alien–and this is a woman with a job!).

  12. Oh, fan-tucking-fastic. I spend hours on end working on my “Freshly Riffed” thing, and I take one look at this and you totally blow it out of the water!
    I demand a duel! At sunrise. With tigers.

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