Suck It, Las Vegas!

By Tardsie

We Took A Road Trip To Las Vegas! Don’t Worry, My Wife Drove.

My wife and I recently got back from Las Vegas, where we saw the Killers in concert on Friday night. It was an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime performance by a band at the top of its game and comfortably on its home turf. Here’s a clip from that kick-ass show (the song stops at 1:37 because a fight breaks out, then starts up again):

So we had a great time, both in Vegas and on the trip there and back, in which I got to visit a new medical marijuana dispensary and my wife got to stop at produce stands. As usual, I employed my foolproof gambling system to break even (my system is that I don’t gamble). But I don’t want to talk about how much fun we had on the trip or all the great memories we made–I want to bitch about Las Vegas.

How We Love To Hate You. Don’t Ever Change.

Here goes:

This place calls itself ‘Sin City’ while managing to keep a straight face. Apparently, the whole of the ‘sin’ experience begins with blowing your kid’s birthday cash at the craps table and ends with walking down the boulevard with a beer in your hand. So while you can bounce your eyes in time with the silicate breasts of leathery showgirls, you can’t actually have sex with them. You can get liquored up enough to drunkenly piss away in a few hours what you’ve worked a lifetime to build, but you can’t legally smoke a joint.

I Managed, Fortunately. Thanks To Vegas’ Constant Reek, They Thought I Was Smoking Harmless Tobacco.

And talk about a genetic clusterfuck! I’ve been to places like Georgia, Poland and Omaha, Nebraska–so you know I’ve seen some ugly people in my time, but never so many collected in one neon-ringed exhibit. Whether you’re dodging blubbery slugs on mobility scooters or avoiding the gaze of the shaking hardcase with the the 8:00 AM bloody Mary, Las Vegas has the power to make you feel special for achieving nothing more than an associate’s degree and a set of at least thirty teeth.

We Go Where The Beautiful People Are.

People claim they go to Las Vegas to have fun. Have you ever watched people while they gamble? You’ll see more human expression from Keanu Reeves playing an Easter Island statue in a made-for-TV movie. The rows upon rows of people at slot machines look like junkies in a shooting gallery, continuing to fix long after any sensation is gone.

But At Least You Had Fun, Right?

And lastly, it was cold! It’s the fucking desert, why is it cold? The response I always hear is that it’s cold because it’s the high desert. Bullshit–I was high as a motherfucker, and I still froze my ass off!

We’re Only Kidding Ourselves. We Can’t Quit You.

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37 Responses to Suck It, Las Vegas!

  1. tomsimard says:

    Great account and some wonderful lines.

    Don’t know what you’ve got against Keanu Reeves though. The guy’s the American Olivier.

  2. Never been to Vegas, but I almost accidentally ended up there once. I was lost in the desert somewhere between California and Nevada (real lovely no-man’s land), when all of a sudden I saw a sign that said “Las Vegas 550 miles.” For one split second, I thought about flooring the gas and seeing if I could make it in about six or seven hours. Fortunately, I came to my senses and headed back West, and ended up in fucking Bakersfield. So, I’m not sure that was a good move, either. I also got to see Kingman and Barstow on that trip. What a hell-hole the entire southwest is. I say give it back to the fucking Apaches.
    Happy New Year,
    Bill

    • Smaktakula says:

      Ugh, Bakersfield is a hole. My cousin lives there, and I have no idea why. On the plus side, that’s where I found the new dispensary, although it’s a 3.5 hour drive. Bakersfield is a lot like Vegas in that it’s a dirty hole full of unpleasant people. The difference is that you can’t gamble.

  3. rumpydog says:

    Happy New Year my friend!

  4. Alex Autin says:

    This IS hialrious, you brilliant fucker. I’ve never been, have no desire to go, and you’ve only reinforced that.

    Love The Killers video!!

    • Smaktakula says:

      I’ve never been, have no desire to go, and you’ve only reinforced that.

      Then my work here is done. Seriously, I don’t really think there’s any reason to go to Vegas under normal circumstances (we sometimes go there to see concerts; LA & SF are closer, so we usually go there to see shows (it’s not like we go to very many these days), but it’s nice to have that third option (or fourth if you count San Jose).

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    I felt superior when I visited Las Vegas. I thought it was because I didn’t gamble, get plastered, or dance wantonly in the casino aisles. But now I realize it was because I have all my teeth.

    “Las Vegas has the power to make you feel special for achieving nothing more than an associate’s degree and a set of at least thirty teeth.”—Great line and great post!

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Carrie! You know, dancing wantonly among the aisles would at least be a sign of life and authentic joy.

      But now I realize it was because I have all my teeth.

      That’s just one of the many benefits associated with being dentulous.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        You and teeth. Maybe you should have been a dentist.

      • Smaktakula says:

        A dentist? So you don’t think I have what it takes to be a real doctor?

        In all seriousness, while I think I have the bedside manner so lacking in many medical professionals, I don’t think I have what it takes to be a real doctor. If I went into the medical profession, I’d probably pick a specialty that you could perform while a little high. Like psychiatrist or coroner. Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen in the morgue? “Whoops? No open casket funeral for you, Mr. Johnson.”

        Another thing I’d never previously thought about but that I mean sincerely is that I don’t think my life would be improved any by having the authority to write prescriptions. That might be a quick road to ruination for me.

        However, in California we have a special kind of doctor–weed-prescribing doctors. That would be a good gig if not for all the requisite education and residency.

        “Dr. Smaktakula, my back hurts.”
        “I’m writing you a prescription for weed.”
        “Dr. Smaktakula, my ADD is intolerable.”
        “Weed will help with that.”
        “Dr. Smaktakula, my kids won’t listen!”
        “Weed.”

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Steve Martin’s dentist is almost as scary as the one in “The Marathon Man.”

        Is it safe?…

  6. Hahah! Are you sure you were in Vegas and not the Walmart down the street from me? At least you were high. LOL. And I went four-wheeling in the desert in SoCal one year. It was cold as fuck…like 20 degrees colder than the rest of SanDiego.

    • After your comment there’s no much I can add, Vegas is like an outdoor Walmart.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Hahah! Are you sure you were in Vegas and not the Walmart down the street from me?

      Not 100%, but I don’t think Walmart allows smoking! Seriously, that’s the biggest thing I took from Vegas on this trip–the fucking reek.

      • Oh sure…so a doob is fine but if I wanna partake in some legal tobacco products, you’re all sensitive. ;)

      • Smaktakula says:

        I’m completely at ease with my hypocrisy.

        I don’t mind cigarette smoking so much (I smoked years ago), but the smoke permeates surfaces in a way that the sweet, sweet cheeba simply does not. Outdoors there’s not much of a difference to me.

      • Ask someone who doesn’t smoke pot if you don’t carry the reek of your “sweet cheeba” like PigPen from Peanuts into every room you enter. LOL. Me and a friend were actually just talking about that the other day; how pot smokers don’t seem to realize EVERYONE can smell it on them. LOL

      • Smaktakula says:

        That’s true up to a point. If someone has been smoking pot recently, you can smell it on his or her clothes, particularly if the person has remained indoors. A lot of it can be on the person’s hands as well. However, as someone who has both smoked cigarettes and the reefer, I can assure you that cigs stink up both a person and a room on a much more permanent basis.

        And as far as I go, I typically use a vaporizer at home and on the road (although I had a few joints on this trip), which cuts down on much of the odor on my person (my office still smells pleasantly of herb, though).

      • Oh, you dirty hippie! ;)

  7. THIS IS THE BEST POST!! I just finished reading a book called Empire of Illusion by Chris Hedges which had a section on how Vegas is symptomatic of the destruction of our society and the commoditisation of just about anything. (It’s a great book, I read that back and I made it sound crap but I recommend it AND there’s a whole chapter on porn).

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thank you! I will look for that book because it sounds interesting. I’ll check first for an audio version, because that’s the only way I’ll get it read in 2013. I read about as fast as turtles fuck, so I have a backlog already. But I’m serious, I will get around to it, because it sounds right up my alley.

  8. And that song by the Killers is a classic! Happy 2013 :-)

  9. El Guapo says:

    That’s why what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
    Those who have suffered don’t want the rest of us to escape unsullied.

    Fortunately, I can just go across the river to Jersey if I want to get depressed.

    • Crossing the Holland Tunnel is really depressing indeed.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I’ve only seen the depressing parts of New Jersey. I drove through what I’m told is one of the good parts in the wee hours of the morning still drunk from the night before (I was a passenger, not a drunk driver!), so I can only imagine. Friends of mine from New Jersey SWEAR there are nice places and profess to love their home state. They try like hell to lose their accents, though.

      Someday I’ll go to New Jersey for real. I’ll go just about anywhere–I love going places. Pretty much anywhere I go, though, in my head I’m making fun of it.

  10. calahan says:

    The reality and sadness of Vegas… you captured it perfectly. Now that you’ve captured it, do the humane thing and put it out of its misery.

  11. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Hey Smak! Sounds like you had a good time! I’ve never been to Vegas – I’m not much of a gambler, but dang – I would have at least played a slot machine! Those are addictive! I went to a neighboring state to a casino with my girlfriends many years back – it was back when ‘real’ change fell out if you won…I started screamig my ass off, “I won! I won!” – my girlfriends thought I’d hit the jackpot or something – I had won about 10 dollars in quarters….I was so happy! By the time they drug me away from the slot – I had so many quarters stuffed in my front pockets – it looked like I had an ass in the front as well as the back! Not jokin’!
    Never heard of the Killers – pretty cool video and what you call a mobility scooter is what we (in the Hood) call a ‘car’ for the disabled or visionally challenged!

  12. Some of my good friends lived in Vegas for a spell. I couldn’t imagine living there. First, I love to gamble so that’s no bueno. Mostly, that city seems so fucking soulless. As much as I love gambling, I really have no desire to go back there again.

  13. Brigitte says:

    You know, Smak, I’ve never been to Vegas and really don’t have the desire to do so. We have visited Tunica (a tiny, mini-Las Vegas with lots of Elvis action going on) and I’ve seen Cirque de Soleil, The Traveling Wilburys and Whoopi Goldberg while there and scored some swag, room-wise when I worked in the radio biz, so the shows and concerts one can experience are cool, but I’m with you on the whole ambiance thing. When someone loves Vegas, I question their taste, but who am I to judge? Glad you had a good time though and made some memories despite the depravity that you encountered. ;). Being high was probably a good thing…I’m just sayin.’

  14. jmmcdowell says:

    My first thought on seeing your photos was, “So this is where everyone in WalMart goes for vacation.” My husband and I spent one night there after a California vacation (we flew in and out of the Vegas airport). That was more than enough for my lifetime. But, hey—to each his own, right?

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