Headlines: In Fact, Yes We Did

By Smaktakula

“Yes, Bonnie–Mr. Clinton Is Aware Of Your Article. But The Former President Is A Very Busy Man, And We All Think It’s Best If Maybe You Don’t Call Any More.”

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the articles.

***

Are You Coddling Your Grandkids? ~ If you’re not, then you’re a lousy fucking grandparent.

Survey: Chinese Opinions of Obama, U.S. Slipping ~ That’s got to be paraphrased. We challenge you to find a Chinese person who can correctly pronounce the English word ‘slipping.’

Fighting Boredom, Not the Nazis ~ Sure–it’s a lot less lethal for one thing.

India Is Becoming Pakistan ~ Do you mean that India is only pretending to be a US ally and that portions of its intelligence service are actively working to thwart Western aims? Or did you just mean that it’s crowded and smelly? Because that’s not news.

Why I Married a Black Woman ~ It’s a pretty safe bet that anything we come up with will be countered with a swift and unequivocal “OH NO YOU DI’NT!”

But We Didn’t Say Anything! We Just . . . Aw, We’re Fucked, Aren’t We?

Can Robots Bring Manufacturing Jobs Back? ~ For robots, yes.

Men who weren’t strong as boys are more likely to die young as adults: study So weaker specimens are less likely to survive into adulthood? Has anyone told Charles Darwin about this?

HIV helps put girl’s leukemia in remission ~ Hooray?

NFL retirees more likely to have depression and cognitive problems, brain study  ~ And it’s not because they were sad, boring turds to start out with?

Learn Why Her Husband’s Death Convinced Linda to Retire Early ~ Because the sudden loss at last brought home to her the beautiful fragility of every human life, and taught Linda that to truly be alive, one must truly live. That and the massive insurance payout.

Which Is Why We Refuse To Buy Life Insurance. Our Loved Ones Shouldn’t Be Subjected To That Kind Of Temptation.

Humans Said Cheese 7500 Years Ago ~ According to Dictionary.com, the word appeared sometime around 1000 CE, so somebody’s lying.

Delayed 911 response a matter of geography and jurisdictions ~ Meaning, if you live in the ‘hood, better put some ice on that. It might take a while.

Prosecutors: Redmond man caught on tape raping dogs ~ The perp claims that the sex was consensual, and that when he asked the bitch how she liked it, she said ‘rough.’

Call Girl Culture: High-priced prostitution one of Hollywood’s dirty little secrets Well, that may be news in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy, but it’s hardly a secret to folks who grew up wearing shoes.

Former Pirates owner tells Times he’s gay ~ As if hanging with all those pirates hadn’t clued us in a long time ago.

Even The Cast Of GLEE Playing Tetherball With The Teletubbies While Belting Out Showtunes On The Back Of A Pink Unicorn That’s Prancing Around A Maypole Couldn’t Outgay This Pirate Queen.

Alabama man fights to keep wife buried in front yard Boy howdy! Does he EVER. But that no-good hound-dog of his won’t stop digging up Amy-LaVonne’s corpse and re-burying it down by the crick.

Ellen Degeneres Speaks Out Against “That Time of the Month” Jokes ~ Yikes!–sounds like SOMEBODY’s on the rag.

‘A sad day for people with disabilities’ ~ “But on the other 364 days of the year, I thank God that a Pepsi truck crushed my legs.”

Camp Pendleton works to save species in peril Which was a challenge for the Marines, as what they mostly do is kill things.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour rolls along Crenshaw Drive This just in–Space Shuttle Endeavour is missing!

Insurance Will Take Care Of Everything But Your Deductible, But You Can Forget About The Resale Value.

Teacher: ‘I wanted to be the last thing they heard, not the gunfire’ ~ “And to make sure they heard me over all the racket, I yelled ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!'”

Worried about Lady Gaga’s weight gain? Chill, she isn’t ~ Sorry, we weren’t listening. We were trying to figure out why Kirstie Alley sounds like Lady Gaga all of a sudden.

Mark Hamill weighs in on the future of ‘Star Wars’ — EXCLUSIVE ~ “They said they might let me sweep up around the set!”

Rolling Stones kick off 50th anniversary tour ~ The only thing those testosterone-drenched septuagenarians should be kicking is either a habit or the bucket.

The $250 Halloween treat ~ Cocaine!

Best Avoided: It’s Pretty Pricey, And Worse, Turns You Into An Asshole. Weed, On The Other Hand, Is A Lot Less Likely To Result In A Domestic Abuse Arrest. That’s All We’re Saying.

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33 Responses to Headlines: In Fact, Yes We Did

  1. tomsimard says:

    Wonderful stuff.

    Great photo and caption with the dog. It could be used in a campaign to tackle the Big C. The accompanying theme song could be, “All we are saying is give weed a chance.”

  2. Brigitte says:

    You’re on roll, Smak.

  3. My God Man, Only you could make me laugh about a man raping dogs. I feel so dirty just writing that sentence.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Bill! You may (or may not) be surprised to know I have a similar reaction to some of the stuff I come up with. I’ll laugh at something, and simultaneously think, “Man–I’m an awful person!”

  4. whiteladyinthehood says:

    awww…did you think of me with the delayed 911 response one….you did, didn’t you?! I’m just touched…in many places….I ALWAYS keep my ice~pack handy along with a first aid kit!
    You sure have a way with making us feel dirty, but wanting more….

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    Fantastic as always. You really have a knack for finding the perfect pitch for each headline without taking a lot of words to do it. Your 6 through 9 had me laughing out loud, while your mean Ellen DeGeneres one had me groaning. But laughing…

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Carrie! It’s not unusual that when I do a “Headlines” post, one or two of the gags make me nervous before I post, in this case the Ellen joke, for touching on an issue which is a sensitive topic, and the dog rape gag, because of the inclusion of the word “bitch,” which, although essential to the gag, really uglies it up in a hurry.

      I appreciate the kind words. As a writer, you may be interested in a little “behind-the-scenes” stuff–hope I don’t ruin the magic for you. I actually give a lot of thought to word choice. The gag usually comes the moment I read the headline. For example, when I see a headline like “A Sad Day For People With Handicaps,” I know right away that I’m gonna make a joke to the effect of “Oh, but the rest of the time life is rosy for the handicapped!”

      But what can really make a joke funny is specificity. Sometimes specificity can be taken too far (I think the tetherball playing tinkerbells in my caption really pushes it), but when done right, it can really personalize a joke. Going back to the previous example, I think that adding the specific complaint of ones legs being crushed–by a Pepsi truck no less–personalizes the joke in a way that helps to make it funnier. I don’t really understand it, I just know how to do it.

  6. Thanks for the reminder about Jerry’s life insurance, even though the odds of me outliving him are pretty slim, you just never know. I need to review the policies with our agent to be sure he has enough coverage to pay for my rural getaway home with the indoor pool, hot tub, and young hot pool boy. Oooh, and I can’t forget the ice-packs and first aid kits, and apocalypse survival stash because I plan on being located far off the beaten path.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I’m betting on you to outlive him. If the wife dies first, the man’s got like two years, tops.

      • In Jerry’s case that would be true, although for him it would probably be days because how is he supposed to live on just the stuff from the drive-thru? He can’t cook, won’t clean, and would probably spend all of my life insurance on gambling and beer.

  7. I thought Keith Richards died sometime around 1984- did he forget to fall over or did all those drugs mummify him or something?

  8. I must be starting to appreciate ‘American humour’… I smiled a lot…! ;)

  9. unfetteredbs says:

    you are one funny dude. Thanks for the chuckles

  10. The Mark Hamill quip was Letterman-worthy.

  11. calahan says:

    I loathe your very being, Smak, but I do love these headlines pieces. They’re hilarious. :)

  12. jmmcdowell says:

    You’ve got to wonder what the headline writers were thinking, don’t you? And the people who wrote the articles. High-priced sex in Hollywood is news? Where?

  13. Hey Smak, Just wanted to let you know that I’ve nominated you for the (perhaps ironically named) Reality Blog Award. More info over on my blog about it. Just wanted to pass that along.

  14. I’m a lousy fucking grandparent and Marines are saving species in peril, just not their own.

  15. How could humans have been saying “cheese” for the past 7500 years if the camera was only invented in the 19th century? I don’t get it.

  16. El Guapo says:

    I look at these less as a “headlines of the world” and more of a “bullet points on the road to hell” – you for writing them, and me for laughing at em.

    • Smaktakula says:

      But more you for laughing at them than me for writing them. You see, I have an illness (advanced syphilis) that makes me this way, and so the Almighty gives me a little bit of slack.

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