Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Urine The Clear

By Tardsie

They’re Pretty Much Infallible, You Know.

When you hear that somebody has passed a drug test, you probably assume the person is drug-free. It’s a reasonable assumption–the testing is scientific, impartial and totally reliable. I used to think so, anyway, until a time came when I had to take a drug test.

Technically, I didn’t really have to be tested, but my lawyer (and while it’s true that I’ve started in the middle here, I trust you’re more than capable of filling in the important elements of the backstory for yourself) thought it would be a real good idea for me to be tested to show the court that I was drug-free.

Dude, Do You Even Know Me?

I smiled patiently at him, like a father who’s just been asked a silly, but heartwarming question by his four-year-old child. “You know I’m gonna fail that test, right?”

His smile never wavered. “Call these people,” he said. He handed me a card for Pee-Testers International (the actual name of the company is being withheld in recognition of the great service they performed on my behalf).

My Memories Of That Testing Service Are As Warm As A Beaker Of My Own Urine.

Following his advice, I scheduled an appointment, and was somewhat buoyed that Pee-Tester International’s receptionist seemed to be on very friendly terms with my lawyer. Still, I was taking no chances, and procured some synthetic urine (yes, they really make that) to use in place of my own THC-infused urine. The specimen must be body temperature at the time of the testing, and since a buddy¹ of mine lived close to the testing center, I went there to heat my urine in his microwave and smoke bowls until the time of the appointment.

There were all kinds of wretched fuckers haunting the reception room when I got to PTI; I felt very out-of-place. It started to dawn on me then that PTI served two functions: primarily it was a legitimate (and accredited) testing service, monitoring the rehabilitation of parolees and drug offenders. But a smaller, unadvertised portion of its business seems to have been helping those who could afford it to beat drug tests for marijuana, which was illegal in Washington State until only a few months ago.

I Courageously Broke An Unjust Law That Was Eventually Changed. In This Way, I’m Very Much Like Gandhi Or Rosa Parks.

I had to wait a short while in the lobby, which made me nervous. The container of synthetic piss nestled in my crotch was still pleasantly warm, but was cooling with each passing second. I read a book while I waited. I did a good job of centering myself and holding my anxieties in check, but I was still relieved when they called my name. The practice, the preparation, the worrying–those things were in the past: we had gone live, and it felt very good to be getting on with it.

The counselor I spoke with was an attractive, empathetic woman who was maybe a couple of years older than I was. She was intelligent and well-spoken, but almost stubbornly predisposed–in spite of all evidence to the contrary–to see me as blameless. The only other person in my life to have made such a deliberate and herculean effort to so completely blind herself to my faults was my own mother.

No Matter What Kind Of Degenerate Shitbag You Are, Mom Still Thinks You’re A Gentleman.

“How often do you smoke marijuana?” she asked.

“Hmm,” I said, considering the question. “I don’t know–maybe six or seven times a year.”

“So not very often.”

“Hardly.” We both laughed.

“And when was the last time you used marijuana?”

“Oh, gosh,² let’s see…I think maybe last Christmas Eve.” This was mid-June. I’d anticipated this question, and had given it a great deal of thought in the previous days, as I had my response to it. It was a risky move, but I knew exactly the follow-up question it would generate. Most critically, I knew that my answer to that question would likely have a significant impact on the outcome of this evaluation.

Believe Me, Man–I Spent A Lot Of Time Doing Just That.

Her expression darkened, and took on a puzzled aspect. “But…you were cited for possessing marijuana just two weeks ago.”

I executed my line flawlessly. I laughed a little sheepishly and said of the incident earlier in the month, “Oh, I had every intention of smoking that pot,” I said,  “But I never got a chance!”

It was clear from the first that my gambit had been successful. Her face lit up and she laughed along with me. I saw that not only did she believe me (or had chosen to believe me, which amounts to the same thing), but that she appreciated my answer, like I was making her job a lot easier by telling her what I was supposed to.

Think Of Her How You Will, But She Was Very Kind To Me.

But her final question caught me off-guard: “If I gave you a urine test right now, would you pass?”

I hadn’t anticipated that, and it took some effort to keep myself from showing my cards in that age-old liar’s tell of repeating the question back to her: Would I pass a urine test? With so much on the line, though, I managed. I looked her in the eye and said, “Absolutely.”

Her conspiratorial smile was endearing. “I guess we don’t need to test you, then.”

It cost something like $450, plus another $20 for the fake pee I never used (and it’s really not something I wanted to keep around, y’know?), which was an expense I could ill-afford. Still, it was money well-spent, not least for the boost to my self-image which is with me to this day. When I look in the mirror every morning, I can be proud that the face I see looking back at me is 100% drug-free. Don’t believe me? I’ve got the test results to prove it.

I Consider Myself Not Just A Role-Model, But Also A Paragon Of Virtue And A Pillar Of The Community.

¹ The same guy, should you be interested to know, who some years before shouted “Where’s your dignity?” at hapless Rocky dorks.  ∞ T.
²Yes, for real I said “gosh.” In print it sounds silly, but I can make it work for me like you wouldn’t believe.  ∞ T.
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32 Responses to Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Urine The Clear

  1. El Guapo says:

    Setting up a synthetic urine vending machine outside a drug testing place sounds like a great business idea.
    Plus, you could make the logo look just enough like Coca Cola so the extrememly stoned will think it’s a drink!

    • Smaktakula says:

      That’s a brilliant idea, Guap. And you could make the price $22, but offer no change. You’d have desperate potheads dumping 2 $20s in there just to get the clean pee.

      The Coca Cola idea is wicked! Fortunately, I don’t drink Coke so I’m not likely to fall for that.

      However, as a person who has once been tricked into drinking urine, I can assure you (and I’m assuming you’ve never tried it, although in certain situations I can see you drinking yak piss on the side of a mountain with a sherpa) that it’s every bit as disgusting as you would expect.

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’ll pretend I didn’t read that.

    • Smaktakula says:

      What has been seen cannot be unseen.
      You know, when I wrote this, I had to decide what kind of story I wanted to tell, because, like everything in life, there’s more to this story than I’ve included here, and already this piece has gone well beyond the recommended 700 words. Given that I could only tell an aspect of this story, I chose to go with an “I Fought The Law and I Won” angle (which is very much the truth; the charges were dismissed), which of course puts a very different inflection on the story.
      I very much believe in personal accountability and in taking responsibility for my own actions. I believe in taking my lumps like a man. Given this, it may appear the height of hypocrisy that I went to such lengths to obscure the effects of my own (legal) wrongdoing. However, this case was a farce–the prosecution chose to be ambitious, seeking a more onerous charge than would normally be warranted (and this isn’t me being bitter; this is something I witnessed the prosecutor tell my lawyer explicitly). I wouldn’t have fought it if they’d played fair. However, they grossly underestimated my determination not to be fucked. So I have no problems with this conflicting with my ideas of personal responsibility. It cost far more money and time than it would have if they hadn’t been vindictive.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        I’ll pretend I didn’t read that…

        Kidding! I get ya. And just so you’re sure, here’s an emoticon. :)

      • Smaktakula says:

        Oh, I didn’t take any offense, it just gave me an excuse to talk a little bit about that. When I originally wrote this, I thought about putting an addendum on there talking about the bigger picture, and about how I don’t want to give the impression that marijuana is harmless (I find the effects salutary, particularly in streamlining my chaotic thought-process, but in young people ((as I suspect you already know)) marijuana use can result in cognitive problems later in life), but decided I a) didn’t want to make it wordier, and b) didn’t want to go all sob-sister.
        I like to tell funny stories, but sometimes I’m concerned that I don’t adequately express my disapproval of my own behavior (and in this instance I’m not talking about the story above; I don’t regret that), and give the impression that I’m nothing more than an overgrown child.
        And no, I didn’t read that in your comment, it was something I wanted to talk about.
        Another time I’ll talk about emoticons–the devil’s alphabet.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        I think people can separate the snark from the man.

  3. Gosh, I’m Pretty Pleased I DID Read It. ;) teehehe
    Hope Friday Treated You Well Enough, Dude.
    And, More So, I Hope You Get To Enjoy Your Weekend!
    -B.

  4. tomsimard says:

    I really enjoyed the read. You’ve managed again to cover a wide range of topics and in a humorous way. What else could I ask for?

    While I’ve never had to undergo the test, I have been “word from Truckin’” – though it was not on Bourbon Street. I wish they would really just let people be.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Tom! I tried to put the story in a funny light, and this aspect of the whole affair certainly was funny. But the whole affair was a joke, and not a funny one. It was a case where the prosecution thought that they could make an example of me, and were overambitious in their prosecution. Ultimately, this cost them their conviction, but not before it cost me a lot of unnecessary aggravation. You know, I knew that I was breaking the law, and I know that there are consequences for those actions. But the consequences the prosecution sought were above & beyond what another person in this situation would have faced (that’s not supposition or conjecture, that’s something the prosecutor said), and I couldn’t accept that.

      • tomsimard says:

        It’s absolutely no fun being made the example of. Ask Eddie Slovik.

        Sorry to hear about all the unnecessary aggravation but very glad to hear it turned out all right.

  5. Luddy's Lens says:

    “Gosh” for some reason is a very useful word in encouraging others to believe what you’re saying; I tend to use it at work, although in private life I lean more toward “holy-mother-of-fuck”. I dunno why “gosh” works, except maybe people think you’re at least *trying* to be genuine.

    What is synthetic pee made of? Is it petroleum based? Yuck.

  6. denmother says:

    All this for pot? Come to Canada!

  7. I have NEVER heard of synthetic pee! I did know someone, who took someone else’s urine (that was marijuana free) and put it in a washed out glue bottle, then wrapped it with hand warmers (bought at Walmart) to keep it warm and at body temp – hid it in their pants….and passed their test (it was for a job, so they were behind closed doors when providing sample)…….(true story)

    • Smaktakula says:

      Necessity is the mother of invention! I’ve never actually had to take a piss test for a job, although I’ve been asked on numerous occasions if I’m willing. I always say “Sure,” and then grit my teeth. I’ve never had to take one. I suppose if I ever do, I’ll ask, “Hey, do you mind if I go with this testing outfit in Washington State?”

      I might have tried the method you describe, but at that time, I don’t know if I knew anyone who had clean urine readily available. Certainly not my lawyer–he made me look like a straight arrow.

  8. Alex Autin says:

    $450, gosh! Oops….I mean, fuck! Being willing to shell out that kind of money I’m not sure you would want us readers to fill in the back-story which led to this….

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks for reading, Alex. You know, based on the $$$ you’d think that I got caught with a huge amount or that I was dealing. In fact, it was a relatively minor offense, but for various reasons (two really, but too complicated to go into here) they decided to be overly aggressive with me, which cost them their win.

  9. calahan says:

    You should try to write off the $20 spent on the synthetic urine. Tax Code 4.20 allows it, I think.

  10. Brigitte says:

    Gosh Smak, I’ve always thought of you as a pillar of the community and a helluva storyteller. That lady sounded like a very nice enabler.

  11. SocietyRed says:

    Pleased to finally meet you Smak,
    Hilarious post!
    I’m still amazed when I see people smoking weed on the street in Seattle. It’s just like Vancouver here now!
    Red

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Red!
      Wow! That’s awesome to hear! I haven’t been back to the PNW for over a year now. Although the testing took place in King County (and a further episode from that affair which I’ll be relating in a few days took place in Pierce), the crime was committed in Lewis County, which may mean something to you. Lewis County is the land that time (and justice apparently) forgot.

      • SocietyRed says:

        Ah yes. Chehalis, home of the right-wing, polyester suit wearing, chew spittin’ mongrels of Washgton State. And outlet stores…I bet they’re embracing the new law down there!

      • Smaktakula says:

        So I’m talking to someone who knows who the Fascist Farmer is (the big Uncle Sam billboard). I don’t know how long you’ve lived in Washington, but back in the late 80s and early 90s, the things written on the FF board were still incredibly right-wing, but they were really witty (e.g., Kuwait has been raped and SADDAM-ized by a madman; Let environmentalism become the dinosaur of all movements). I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, but I’m thinking somebody died and a new guy took over, because now about the best they can do is crap like “A Woman’s Place Is In The Home” (not an actual example like the ones given before, but close enough).

      • SocietyRed says:

        That billboard used to be the highlight of any trip to the south. I’ve been here since 1970 so I’ve seen quite a few evolutions. I still want to burn it to the ground though…

      • Smaktakula says:

        Has no one ever done that? I noticed last time I was there that they’ve put up a new sign (on the other side of the road, as I recall).
        In thinking about it, though–I can think of one reason the FF sign might never have been destroyed. I mean, is there any doubt in your mind–any doubt at all–that the gentleman or gentlelady who owns that property is also a firearm enthusiast?

  12. Wow, that’s just…really encouraging.

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