Sorry, Bro–Have Some Band-Aids

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

It’s Just That We Didn’t Know You Could Read Music AND Real Words, Too.

We have preempted our previously scheduled feature Untruth & Consequences: I’m Tardsie, And I’m An Alcoholic Apparently so that we may bring you this very special apology:

Promethean Times regrets the exceedingly poor judgement which contributed to our use of a term considered to be highly offensive to individuals who participate in high school band and orchestra programs. We further regret language which could be construed as threatening. However, we believe it was abundantly clear to most readers that we in no way intended the phrase ‘kick the band {members}‘ as an incitement to violence against members of the HSBO community, nor an invitation to harass them or in any way interfere with their lives, schooling or band responsibilities.

We Could Not Have Been More Off-Base. Sorry.

We extend our most sincere apologies to anyone offended by our unfortunate choice of words in this instance.  We will exercise more caution in the future, and very much wish to reassure our readership that this uncharacteristic misstep did not in any way arise from losing sight of our journalistic duty to the public, but rather was simply an expression of our deep-seated and particularly virulent animosity toward band {members}–we just hate those poncey fuckers so goddamn much.

We Dream Of That Happy Day When Band Flags Hang From Traffic Lights And Telephone Poles All Across This Great Land.

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23 Responses to Sorry, Bro–Have Some Band-Aids

  1. El Guapo says:

    An apology?!?
    Now where will I go for my unmitigated, unepurgated venom?
    Oh Promethean times, what a sad day this is when you of all blogs grows a conscience.

    I can only guess that the band {—-} threatened you with a severe tuba penetra- I mean, indoctrination.

  2. Alex Autin says:

    This is just great. I agree with Guapo …now where will I go to be ‘highly offended’?

  3. I read the whole thing with admirable levels of seriousness until I came to the last lines, when I nearly spat my mouthful of coffee over the laptop keyboard. Thanks for the laugh.

  4. What I’ve always wondered is, who gets to design their uniforms. And why haven’t they been rounded up by now?

  5. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Hey, I was in the band in Jr.High – clarinet – made first chair quite a few times, too! My inner nerd~girl was not offended – I simply know, it was cooler than being a wussy choir boy! We got to play at the football games AND got to march in a parade! (sadly, are uniforms weren’t as hip as the above trumpet players…heavy sigh)…

  6. I have my own bad experience with a band, er…member. He went on seemingly laboring under the illusion that he’d make it big in the music industry. Yet, he’s actually thrice fucked, on account of being not only a marching band …er…member, but a ginger, and a general raging douchebag.

  7. Carrie Rubin says:

    Hmm, hating band members seems a bit judgmental coming from a guy who recently admitted to singing in high school choir and jazz choir. Just sayin’, Bob Fosse. ;)

    • Smaktakula says:

      Hmm, hating band members seems a bit judgmental coming from a guy who recently admitted to singing in high school choir and jazz choir

      I’ll admit that being judgmental is a bit of an aberration for me, but I think you’re failing to realize that my choir queerness is itself the reason for the animosity.

      Jazz hands!

  8. Brigitte says:

    Who was offended? What? Where? Hubby, although he looked much more like a football player, was in the band. I think he once wanted to join the Peace Corps and loved whales and dreamed of being a Jacque Cousteau. He played one of big horns, tubas, I think they’re called. Not sure why I’m telling you all this, but I do tease him mercifully about it. Maybe everyone should go by the adage from that artistic and deep movie, “Stripes,” and “Lighten up, Francis.”

    I was a cheerleader so do with that what you will. Go Team!! Woo.

    • Smaktakula says:

      I was a cheerleader so do with that what you will. Go Team!! Woo.

      So your husband, who was a band {member} married a cheerleader? Wow! They must’ve made him king of the band {members} for that achievement! Mr. Brigitte is a lucky man.

  9. jmmcdowell says:

    We never let the term bother us. We even got our band director his first baseball cap emblazoned with “HBF.”

  10. Count me in as someone who lost it over that last line. That caption on the last photo is a beauty too. Mr. Weebles was in marching band in high school but I married him anyway.

  11. unfetteredbs says:

    I see there is a theme of confession here.. I too married a band man. You always make me chuckle sir..always

  12. I was both a choir geek (that was in school) AND the lead singer/bass player for a heavy metal band (not at all sanctioned by any school.) But the ass-kickings didn’t end for me until I was 17 and beat the living hell out of my sister for taking my car without permission.

    I will say that setting up the PA system as well as setting up the (sniff, sniff I still miss it, and the Gibson Victory Artist…) 400 watt Marshall full stack I had was very beneficial for building upper body strength.

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