In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.
Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!
What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.
The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?
Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!
Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.
What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.
Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”
Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.
Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.
Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.
Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.
Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!
Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.
It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….
Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.
Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.
Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.
Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.
Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.
Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”
Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’
Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.
Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.
Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.
Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.
Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.
’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”
Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.