Headlines: No Rod Unspared

By Smaktakula

And They All Lived Happily Ever After.

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!

What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.

The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.

What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.

Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.

Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”

Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.

Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.

Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.

Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.

The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.

Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.

Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!

Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.

It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….

Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.

Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.

Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.

Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”

Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’

Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.

Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.

“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”

Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.

Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.

Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.

’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.

Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?

Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.

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36 Responses to Headlines: No Rod Unspared

  1. Ewww… a broken penis… God. I might actually try to read that one, once dinner goes down…

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Loved the Helen Keller one and the Condi Rice one; actually took the time to watch the fractured penis clip (how sad is that?…); but couldn’t smile at the child death or the hunger pic. Made me sad. :( But I appreciate the irony of having an obesity epidemic concurrently with third-world starvation. That’s messed up, isn’t it?

    • It is really sad that some kids starve, while we are surrounded by obese welfare queens and downright lardy kids in this country. Priorities, priorities.

      But in this country poor people generally can’t afford healthy food options such as fresh produce or lean meats, so they generally end up with all the high-fat, high-sugar pre-fab options because they can get more for their food dollar that way.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Oh, you’re singing my song there. I have a big interest in obesity and the social forces that contribute to it. It does not exist in a vacuum, that’s for sure.

    • Smaktakula says:

      The death of a child is unspeakably sad. The death of a hypertensive fifty-six year old is somewhat less so. I don’t doubt that obesity is a growing problem in America particularly (also China and some other places). Unlike starvation, obesity is a disease of choice, and a slow killer.

      But we have no sacred cows whatsoever! Except, you know, for broken dicks. That shit’s not funny.

  3. You can’t hump a credit score, this is true. Men may be visual, but you can always turn out the lights and put a bag over her face. My butterface (thanks Smak for introducing me to that lovely descriptive) sister had absolutely no problem getting laid, even with a face that would stop a truck and an overbite from hell, so we know a chick being butt ugly (at least in the face) isn’t really that much of a hindrance.

    However,- from the other side- if a girl lands a man whose business doesn’t work, but he has a good credit score, she can do a lot of retail therapy to compensate for wimpy Willie. If a girl ends up with a man whose business doesn’t work AND he doesn’t have any money…well that would be me. You’d think he’d at least be kind enough to buy the batteries for the meat substitute.

  4. The one about Pedophilia gave me the creeps, especially that picture.
    “Fresh Increase” in U.S. racism? Well, that’s a relief. It would be weird if this was the first era in which Americans took responsibility for the failures in their own lives. It’s always so much easier to have a scapegoat to point fingers at. At least we’re consistent.
    Drones…coming to a neighborhood near you. Now, don’t you feel so much safer?
    Awesome stuff, as always,
    Bill

  5. El Guapo says:

    I think that just for the phrase “monozygotic mama’s boys”, you should get freshly pressed.
    Do you think those two were the kind of sandwich the reporter envisioned while in school?

    • Smaktakula says:

      A Belgian waffle sandwich? It’s got possibilities!
      Thanks for the kind words, I really liked that particular gag, and I wasn’t sure if people would go for it.

  6. Elliot says:

    “The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ” – because no-one will find you sexually attractive whilst wearing it (Axe is called “Lynx” in the UK).

    Got to say the real story of “Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ” is both scary and disgusting at once.

    Good choices as always!

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Elliot–I have a lot of fun with these. It’s hard to not just shake your head in saddened disbelief sometimes at the “disconnect” that pops up from time to time.

      “The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ” – because no-one will find you sexually attractive whilst wearing it

      There’s some truth right there.

      And it’s good to know about “Lynx.” That way, the next time I’m in the UK, I’ll remember to say “telly” and “Tube” and “boot,” but most importantly, instead of purchasing Axe, I’ll buy Lynx.
      However, I’m full of spunk in either country.

  7. “Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.” What’s there to talk about? He upgraded.

    • Smaktakula says:

      He certainly did upgrade, but don’t forget, so did Jolie. Ditching the talented-but-cretinous Billy Bob Thornton for the hunky Brad Pitt (but unlike Daniel Craig, not hunky enough to consider switching teams over) was a MAJOR upgrade. Remember Billy Bob & Angelina wore vials of the other’s blood around their necks. Ewwwww.

      • I didn’t know that! You’re right, “Ewwwww” and I’ll add, disgusting! It’s amazing what show biz types do for attention. They’re like a bottomless pit of neediness.

    • Smaktakula says:

      And Jennifer Aniston is so boring. She reminds me of the girl you thought was SO hot in high school, who ends up seeming not-nearly so special a few years down the road.

      • I recall when her “Friends” haircut was all the rage. I could never see what was so great about her, but then again, I never watched that show even once. It’s not a snob-thing. I’m just not into network TV, but I do tune into news, sports and SNL. That’s about it since after my pay was cut four years ago, I dropped HBO. I loved HBO, but (ahem) that’s not TV, right?

  8. tomsimard says:

    I loved the one about headhunters. Then I made the mistake (again!) of clicking the link…

  9. Alex Autin says:

    What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.– This is only true if you’re also not married or in some other equally ‘romantic’ relationship. The strange thing about having someone to ‘grow old’ with is that usually the growing old part begins as soon as the agreement to do so is made.

  10. So many favorites on this one, Smak. The Belgian twins and Helen Keller. The Master Race haircolor one. The one about Koreans and dogs. The one about drones in Alameda County (because it’s only un-American if you’re using them to kill Americans, dammit). The WNBA one (seriously, between the WNBA and soccer, I’m not sure which is less interesting). But they’re all keepers.

  11. jmmcdowell says:

    I wonder if the ultimate fighter then went home to face a biting wife…. Sorry, but this is why I don’t understand how the expression “it takes balls” is meant to show courage and strength. I suspect every man becomes a quivering pool of jello when those babies get hit, bitten, or crushed.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Well, I think that’s why the expression is sometimes amended to “Balls of Steel.” ‘Cause you’re right, a slowly tossed whiffle ball to the nuts can sometimes be enough to incapacitate.

  12. Dang, Smakola…you really know how to drive home your point….I’m still amazed you have the power to make me laugh, be horrifed, shocked, disturbed, and then dammit – I start laughing again. The picture of the priest made me Shudder! and the skeleton babies…poor babies…that one was hard to look at – wiped the smile right off my face..and then – bam – I’m laughing hysterically again…you bastard. (good job)

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