Headlines: Achtung, Maybe!

By Smaktakula

This One Practically Writes Itself, Which Is Good, Because Mocking This Wretch Would Be Like Stealing Lunch Money From A Down Syndrome Kid.

In which we champion the twin virtues of indolence and illiteracy by commenting on the day’s headlines without knowing a thing about them.

***

Help! I Caught My Landlord in a Compromising Position With His Dog. ~ And now I live rent-free.

Shooting victim left infant alone while she went to bar ~She felt that a bar was too dangerous an environment for her child, a wise decision in light of subsequent events. That’s called good parenting.

How not to say the wrong thing ~ By keeping your fucking mouth shut. Seriously, it works nearly 100% of the time.

Lost World War II Bomber Crew Found After 69 Years ~ Oh man, they are PISSED!

Target dress apology: ‘Manatee gray’ plus-size dress vanishes ~ Target has renamed the offensive style ‘Koala Gray,’ and will soon be stocking it alongside existing styles School-Bus Yellow, Behemoth Blue, the Limited Edition Black-on-White Lady Shamu™, and the best-selling Chok’lit Jabba.

Why Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Reviewer ~ That’s the working title for Connie Rubin’s new erotic memoir!

“That’s…NGH!…That’s One! Give Me More, Roger! Give…NGGGH!…Yes! Yes, That’s It! Two! Two Thumbs Up!”

Police look at nude maids ~ Well, ‘looking at’ is what they’re for, right? For housework, though, you’ll want to get yourself a fully clothed maid.

Idaho teacher who used word ‘vagina’ during biology lesson faces reprimand ~ If’n you want to talk about Vagina or even West Vagina in your geographology class, well that’s one thing. But biology class is for talkin’ about cooters and wangs.

Officials: 9-year-old mother is at least 12 ~ Why, that lying little whore!

Overeating in children may be linked to drug use Specifically, drugs used to treat diabetes, hypertension and acne.

Woman who swims with Great White sharks ~ Will soon become their chum.

What FDR said about Jews in private ~ Like most everybody else, he thought they were lazy, physically-imposing brutes with no financial sense whatsoever.

Because Being A Really Lousy Bigot Is Just Like Not Being A Bigot At All.

‘Teen Mom’ Star Expecting Another Baby & It’s Not Especially Good News Oh, really? Why do you say that?

Sheriff’s Office: Man died after being pulled over ~ “I mean before! He died before he was pulled over. No wait–it was after, but…well, what the hell are we all doing sitting around flapping our jaws? A man’s been beaten to death and dumped in the back seat of a police cruiser–we need to be out there looking for the killers!”

Can Bad Parenting Cause ADHD ~ Well, bad parenting can produce lazy, inattentive children, so yes.

Report: ‘Happy Days’ star Erin Moran drinking in motel parking lots, offering back rubs ~ This week she’ll be at the Exit 10 Econo-Lodge on Old 99. If you want a little something special, ask for the “Chachi.”

5 Worst Mistakes Women Make in Bed ~ You know, like 80% of the time, the worst mistake is getting into bed in the first place.

The Aryans Are Coming ~ We’ve been here for a while now, bro. We’re just lying low and biding our time until another Reichstag Fire comes along.

SOON!

Why People Create Fake Relationships ~ So their pathetic, joyless lives appear slightly less pathetic and joyless. We thought that was obvious.

Safe sex does NOT diminish pleasure… ~ These words could only have been written by a woman or a lying man.

Watch your tongue, North Korea warns South’s new leader “Or we’ll eat it! Seriously, we’re dealing with one heck of a food shortage right now, guys.”

A Labor Union Hopes Medical Marijuana Will Cure Its Ills ~ We bet it will. Weed fixes just about everything.

How Panda Express brings Chinese food to the mall ~ Inauthentically!

Should Obamacare Be Repealed? Vote in Urgent National Poll ~ If we can get enough people to vote, we can repeal Obamacare! Yes–that’s what we’d be saying if the United States were more like American Idol, and just any uninformed wingnut with a hair up his ass could vote directly on pending legislation. In fact, the United States is a republic, which means you may need to look up the term fait accompli right after you vote in this urgent national poll.

Never Forget That You’re An Integral Part Of The Political Process.

Parents Discover Daughter’s Death on Facebook ~ So you guys were pretty close, huh?

This Isn’t Candid Camera, It’s a Science Project ~ “So take your clothes off. No, really–it’s for science. And yes, me touching myself is all part of the experiment.”

Report: Man spent $1K on strippers, said he was robbed ~ There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation: he thought they were prostitutes.

Jason Gay: 23 Rules of the Office Holiday Party ~ Rule #1: Change that name, Jason.

Texas DA found dead 2 months after assistant slain ~ So we guess we can cross the assistant off the suspect list.

3 ways for Cardinal Dolan to show his ‘love’ for gay people ~ Sure–a few three-ways would send a bold message for gay tolerance, but is that sort of behavior in keeping with Catholic doctrine?

If Your Intention Was To Make Me Think Inappropriate Thoughts About The Former Pope, Then Mission Accomplished!

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26 Responses to Headlines: Achtung, Maybe!

  1. Yes, we really need to allow all these uninformed yahoos vote, with their knee jerk reactions… Maybe we should star a Facebook petition. Those are ironclad.

  2. I had to read this one: Idaho teacher who used word ‘vagina’ during biology lesson faces reprimand
    And some of the comments are just as ridiculous as the article.
    The pic of the ex-pope killed me, I should print it and put it on my office.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Yeah, that pope pic is something else. It’s not particularly unflattering, physically, considering his age. But now that the Ex-Pope (we haven’t had one of those in a while) is just Herr Ratzinger again, I guess he afford to get a little freaky. He’s a German, after all.

      I’ve been meaning to take a look at the Vagina article as well. I’m interested to see where they could possibly be coming from. Idaho, particularly the northern panhandle, is the most like “another country” of any place in the US I’ve been. I don’t mean that in a negative way, although, as I’m afraid the article will show, those manifestations are there, but simply that they have a different way of looking at things, which seems to hover between endearing, admirable eccentricity and scary craziness.

  3. The woman who swims with Great Whites is actually totally inspiring. While I do think her time is limited if she keeps doing this, the footage she shoots in incredible! Additionally, I’m all for anyone who tries to make sharks less terrifying.

    The thing about safe sex being as pleasurable is totally false on its face, but I don’t remember every hearing anyone say, “Hey, you know what feels super good? Herpes!”

  4. El Guapo says:

    Headlines: Proving the third world is alive and well. In the first world.

    (I’ve got $10 on Connie when she comes after you for mocking her sacred love for Ebert.)

    • Carrie Rubin says:

      It’s funny, because I haven’t thought of Roger Ebert in years until my defense of the man on Smak’s last post. Now his and my name will forever be entwined. Along with Jim Carrey’s nipple.

      • Smaktakula says:

        Now his and my name will forever be entwined

        Oh, I’ve had my fun, but I’m hardly the kind of guy who’ll derive some twisted thrill from repeatedly dragging out a gag that maybe wasn’t even that funny in the first place rather than letting it die with perhaps undeserved dignity. I think you know that, Connie.

        SPEAKING of which, you’ve got the opening line to your Eberotica memoir (with some editorial assistance from yours truly):

        “It’s funny, because I hadn’t thought of Roger Ebert in years. Even as I heard the news of his death, my memories of that summer in Paris with Roger–sipping afternoon coffees in busy sidewalk cafes along the Boulevard Saint-Germaine, where Roger ate so many beignets that time and threw up over a curb while I held his hair and sang that Joni Mitchell song he liked so much; strolling hand in hand along the Seine, breathing in the rich bouquet that was equal parts sewage, French people, and the whiff of salami that was so much a signature of Roger’s presence as to be almost an olfactory shadow; and those fever-hot nights in Roger’s bed, in the room he rented on some forgotten back street from an aging madame who’d seen her once-prosperous brothel flounder over the years as her girls aged out of the business or just as likely died–were like photos of long-ago friends. I never thought about him.

        So why was I crying?”

        Oh my God, Carrie–This thing writes itself!

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        I’m tearing up just thinking of our good times in Paris. Just me and Roger. Thanks for summing them up so beautifully. But maybe I should throw in a snippet about the Turkish toilet outside my room on the ‘servants’ floor where my family housed me (I was an Au Pair girl after high school for a year). Me, Roger, and the Turkish toilet.

        By the way, “Eberotica”—Love it!

    • Smaktakula says:

      No bet. My combat strategy is to go fetal, and she looks like she can kick pretty good.

  5. I am quite sure that picture of the sculpture of the emeritus pope will make Milton’s day. And a thought on “Woman who swims with Great White sharks”: she might soon be called “Dinner”.

    • Smaktakula says:

      she might soon be called “Dinner”.

      To be fair, that was essentially my gag with “chum.”

      chum [chuhm] verb, chummed, chum·ming.
      noun
      1. cut or ground bait dumped into the water to attract fish to the area where one is fishing.

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    How nice of you to promote my erotic memoir! As you can see, I cleverly changed my name to Connie for it. The memoir is a total of 2 pages, one of which is devoted entirely to my back rub from Erin Moran, and the other to Roger Ebert’s thumb.

  7. Brigitte says:

    Nice to know what Carrie’s been working on, it’s been all hush-hush. And don’t be dissing my Chachi.

  8. When we had to refer to male and female equipment in biology class (rural Ohio, mid 1980s) the terms were “wiener” (male) and “cha-cha” (female,) though “sausage” and “taco” were sometimes used as well. Vagina…well that was a cigarette I think- Vagina Slims. Or something like that.

  9. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Smakington, You did it again, dude! It’s just so damn funny. Thumbs-Up on all the hilarious comments, too.
    Poor Joanie (I actually felt sorry for her after reading that article…even thought I hated her so much)
    AND
    The 5 Worst Mistakes Women Make in Bed….Holy Shit – you have got to read that if you didn’t…it’s so stupid it was hilarious. Part of tip #4: Sometimes the human body will get the best of you, and your period will start early or you may let out a noise closer to a “moo” than a moan….WTF??

  10. jmmcdowell says:

    Another urgent national poll? Gee, weren’t there enough of them in the Facebook ads during election season?

  11. Ha Haa! Loved the post. What jumped out at me was:

    “Why People Create Fake Relationships ~ So their pathetic, joyless lives appear slightly less pathetic and joyless. We thought that was obvious.”

    So what does one need to do to shift out of this state? Can one give up on the relationships??

    Shakti

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