In which we champion the twin virtues of indolence and illiteracy by commenting on the day’s headlines without knowing a thing about them.
Help! I Caught My Landlord in a Compromising Position With His Dog. ~ And now I live rent-free.
Shooting victim left infant alone while she went to bar ~She felt that a bar was too dangerous an environment for her child, a wise decision in light of subsequent events. That’s called good parenting.
How not to say the wrong thing ~ By keeping your fucking mouth shut. Seriously, it works nearly 100% of the time.
Lost World War II Bomber Crew Found After 69 Years ~ Oh man, they are PISSED!
Target dress apology: ‘Manatee gray’ plus-size dress vanishes ~ Target has renamed the offensive style ‘Koala Gray,’ and will soon be stocking it alongside existing styles School-Bus Yellow, Behemoth Blue, the Limited Edition Black-on-White Lady Shamu™, and the best-selling Chok’lit Jabba.
Police look at nude maids ~ Well, ‘looking at’ is what they’re for, right? For housework, though, you’ll want to get yourself a fully clothed maid.
Idaho teacher who used word ‘vagina’ during biology lesson faces reprimand ~ If’n you want to talk about Vagina or even West Vagina in your geographology class, well that’s one thing. But biology class is for talkin’ about cooters and wangs.
Officials: 9-year-old mother is at least 12 ~ Why, that lying little whore!
Overeating in children may be linked to drug use ~ Specifically, drugs used to treat diabetes, hypertension and acne.
Woman who swims with Great White sharks ~ Will soon become their chum.
What FDR said about Jews in private ~ Like most everybody else, he thought they were lazy, physically-imposing brutes with no financial sense whatsoever.
‘Teen Mom’ Star Expecting Another Baby & It’s Not Especially Good News ~ Oh, really? Why do you say that?
Sheriff’s Office: Man died after being pulled over ~ “I mean before! He died before he was pulled over. No wait–it was after, but…well, what the hell are we all doing sitting around flapping our jaws? A man’s been beaten to death and dumped in the back seat of a police cruiser–we need to be out there looking for the killers!”
Can Bad Parenting Cause ADHD ~ Well, bad parenting can produce lazy, inattentive children, so yes.
Report: ‘Happy Days’ star Erin Moran drinking in motel parking lots, offering back rubs ~ This week she’ll be at the Exit 10 Econo-Lodge on Old 99. If you want a little something special, ask for the “Chachi.”
5 Worst Mistakes Women Make in Bed ~ You know, like 80% of the time, the worst mistake is getting into bed in the first place.
Why People Create Fake Relationships ~ So their pathetic, joyless lives appear slightly less pathetic and joyless. We thought that was obvious.
Safe sex does NOT diminish pleasure… ~ These words could only have been written by a woman or a lying man.
Watch your tongue, North Korea warns South’s new leader ~ “Or we’ll eat it! Seriously, we’re dealing with one heck of a food shortage right now, guys.”
A Labor Union Hopes Medical Marijuana Will Cure Its Ills ~ We bet it will. Weed fixes just about everything.
How Panda Express brings Chinese food to the mall ~ Inauthentically!
Should Obamacare Be Repealed? Vote in Urgent National Poll ~ If we can get enough people to vote, we can repeal Obamacare! Yes–that’s what we’d be saying if the United States were more like American Idol, and just any uninformed wingnut with a hair up his ass could vote directly on pending legislation. In fact, the United States is a republic, which means you may need to look up the term fait accompli right after you vote in this urgent national poll.
Parents Discover Daughter’s Death on Facebook ~ So you guys were pretty close, huh?
This Isn’t Candid Camera, It’s a Science Project ~ “So take your clothes off. No, really–it’s for science. And yes, me touching myself is all part of the experiment.”
Report: Man spent $1K on strippers, said he was robbed ~ There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation: he thought they were prostitutes.
Jason Gay: 23 Rules of the Office Holiday Party ~ Rule #1: Change that name, Jason.
Texas DA found dead 2 months after assistant slain ~ So we guess we can cross the assistant off the suspect list.
3 ways for Cardinal Dolan to show his ‘love’ for gay people ~ Sure–a few three-ways would send a bold message for gay tolerance, but is that sort of behavior in keeping with Catholic doctrine?