Headlines: Why Not Miss Saigon?

By Smaktakula
Words to Live By

Much Like A Tramp-Stamp Which Reads “WHORE,” This Is A Great Example Of Truth In Advertising.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people  ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.

In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.

The road ahead for amputees Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.

Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.

Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.

10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?

All That Pussy And No One To Share It With.

Angelina Jolie Ruins Jennifer Aniston’s Happiness. Once Again ~ Awesome!

Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.

Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’

Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.

10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.

An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?

“HERRO DORRY!”

Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?

Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.

Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!

Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.

5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.

The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?

It’s Been An Open Secret For Years.

FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!

10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.

4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat“We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”

Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.

16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.

Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.

SEE? Only MOST Of What We Have To Say Is Pure Bullshit.

Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.

Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.

Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.

Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.

UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.

Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?

But If You Must Smoke ‘Em, It’s Healthiest To Use A Vaporizer.

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35 Responses to Headlines: Why Not Miss Saigon?

  1. Hey, go easy on us nearly-50 year olds. I got my first offer from AARP a couple of days ago. I wanted to hide under the bed for the rest of the week.
    I hear that Vermont zombies are the worst. They just stand around listening to bootleg Phish tapes all day. Sorry, I guess those are just the regular fans.

    • Smaktakula says:

      They just stand around listening to bootleg Phish tapes all day. Sorry, I guess those are just the regular fans.

      Sounds like my brother-and-sister-in-law, whom I believe followed Phish for a time. I dated a girl for many years who loved Phish (she referred to the different musicians by their first names). She no longer did drugs, but somehow still managed to find that music pleasing to her ears.

      Regarding AARP–do you remember Stan Ridgway (of the new wave band Wall of Voodoo), he had a similar experience to yours, and immortalized it in song.

    • As long as they stop with Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, Jethro Tull, Rush, Journey, Foreigner, and classic 70s-80’s rock I’m fine with that. But when you get into Lawrence Welk, that’s just plain before my time. Wait until you start getting the geezer supply catalogs like Dr. Leonard’s, where you can buy everything from bunion pads to bedroom toys. Oh, and rubber underwear, for those occasional leaks.

      And I’m only 44.

      • Smaktakula says:

        I don’t get anything from Doc Leonard, but I do receive lots of “old people” mail for my mom, who’s been dead for several years.

  2. calahan says:

    Before this, I’d only known of three risks from one-night stands: S, T and D. Thanks for the update, Smak.

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    “10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.”—Or become a vampire. Well, you said ‘surprising.’

    Funny as always! And I have a brother who can probably vouch for that Seattle sect thing.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Carrie. I’ve lived in various places around the PNW, so I share your brother’s pain. Although I was born and reside in California, I learned to drive in Washington, so unlike most Californians, I’m a pretty good “rain” driver. However, just like most Californians, I’m pretty useless in the snow.

      And just like a 401K or IRA, the secret to vampire longevity is all in the timing. You’ve got to do it right or risk forever being stuck at an undesirable age. For that same reason, there is such a thing as TOO early.

  4. All of America has been pussified; I’ve been saying that for a while!

    • Smaktakula says:

      That’s why people call me “The Last Real Man.”

      At least, I’m trying to get people to call me that.

    • Yes! Show me a real man and not an effeminate mincing nancy-boy! And not a slack jawed, toothless, unbathed, camo-sporting redneck raised by wolves either. I need a man who is manly as well as fresh-smelling and articulate. I’m thinking more of the Clint Eastwood-as-Dirty-Harry kind of masculine man. That’s manliness.

  5. El Guapo says:

    I’d have thought the hippies in VT would embrace their undead brethren…
    And I’m staying out of Sect on my next trip west.

  6. tomsimard says:

    To think they’re smoking ants. In my day, it was lettuce.

    • In my day it was catnip.

      • tomsimard says:

        I can only imagine it had to be an improvement over lettuce, the only effect of which I could ascertain was a headache accompanied by a desperate need to feel high.

      • There probably was some actual weed in what became known as “Marion County Homegrown” back in the day, but people who sold it cut it with catnip so they could make a bit more money on it. We were ‘po folks and didn’t know any better. Besides, cats don’t even smoke it- and see how high they get on catnip!

  7. whiteladyinthehood says:

    These are always.always. so damn funny! What is that animal in the tattoo? (weasel?)

  8. Alex Autin says:

    Herro Dorry is cracking me up. That’s got to be a joke!

  9. jmmcdowell says:

    We’ve got a lot of excess ants around here this time of year. I’ll bet someone’s already come up with a business plan….

    • Smaktakula says:

      We’ve got the same problem–wherever there’s water, lines of the little buggers form.
      But the notion of an ant business plan tickles me. “Hey dude, do you know where I can score some ants?”

  10. Thanks for keeping up on current news.

  11. Genius, as per usual. This is a particularly good batch because I have so many favorites, including the Novartis Indian patent, the Vermont undead, wussification, Sect in Seattle, and of course, Hello Dolly.

    I’ve told you the story about the American passwords during WWII, didn’t I? About how the Marines in the Pacific used “Hallelujah” as one of their passwords because they knew the Japanese couldn’t pronounce it without giving themselves away? One “HARRERUJAH” and the poor guy would face a barrage of bullets.

  12. You and that signature smakcasm (I didn’t mean that sensation where you feel like you were transported in another dimension and eject a particularly fatal fluid that could possibly infect the right vessel with life).

    I have just checked out the whole article on the ants thing. I was hoping I could get a step-by-step instructions but it looks like you have to do with with certain breeds of ants. Very racist of them.

  13. Andrea says:

    “It’s a trap!” No sh*t, I’d love to see him try that here in Saudi. I can’t believe any muslim man even considers it, it just screams “please come kill me.”

  14. Pingback: And in the news…who cares? | Doggy's Style

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