In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.
Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people … ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.
In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade ~ A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.
The road ahead for amputees ~ Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.
Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.
Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.
10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?
Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.
Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper ~ He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’
Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.
10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.
An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?
Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?
Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.
Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!
Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth ~ #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.
5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.
The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?
FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict ~ KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!
10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.
4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat~ “We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”
Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.
16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.
Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.
Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.
Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.
Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.
Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ ~ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.
UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots ~ Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.
Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?