Headlines: Eat Like A Bird

By Smaktakula

No, We’re Not Going To Use This As A Cheap Opportunity To Poke Fun At Nigeria. People Have To Live In That Lightless Hellhole, You Know.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without bothering to first read the stories.

***

What does it really feel like to fall out of a building? It hurts real bad.

How ACL Injuries Are Detected on the Field  ~Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position, cradling his or her knee and screaming.

What Birds Teach Us About Babies That babies love nothing better than having hot food puked directly into their waiting little mouths.

8 things to know about L.A.’s Koreatown ~ The two most important ones are to leave your dog at home and to make sure your auto policy includes collision coverage.

Help! My Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be a Man. ~ Which is why we make it a point to ask our dates for childhood photos as well as for bus fare home.

Man Accused of Raping Duck — Yes, Man Accused of Raping Duck ~ There’s no need to write that twice. We could have just reread the line if we were into that kind of thing.

After What They’ve Been Doing To Our Women For Years, We Say It’s About Time The Ducks Got A Taste Of Their Own Medicine.

Woman is Set On Fire During a C-section ~ Well if you think a C-section is painful, you should try giving birth vaginally.

It’s Official: She’s Pregnant! ~“And I’m officially joining the Peace Corps and flying off to Borneo, perhaps never to return. Isn’t that just the wildest coincidence ever?”

I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Fat ~ Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and jelly doughnuts.

Incredibly Humanlike New Species of Blond Monkey Discovered in Congo ~ So you’re saying this blond monkey is somehow superior to all his monkey brethren and it is incumbent upon him to someday rule them all with an iron monkey fist? Heavy.

Bad news: Jimmy Carter comes out against marijuana legalization You were a shitty president, Jimmy–a shitty, shitty president.

Spelling Bee Champ Ponders Next Move ~ Avoiding the bully who’s waiting to kick his little ass the moment he steps down from the podium.

Look, You Can’t Deny It. This Kid Is Just BEGGING To Have His Ears Boxed And Maybe Get Stuffed Into His Own Locker. “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”

Why Poor People Are Still Dying for Our T-Shirts ~ ‘Cause our T-Shirts are hella cool!

Woman convicted of torture, mayhem for severing husband’s penis ~We are opponents of capital punishment, believing it to be unnecessary and cruel, and that moreover it has proven ineffective in deterring crime. However, in this instance we feel wholly justified in gleefully wishing death upon this malicious tallywhacker snatcher.

Piercing a Baby’s Ear: The Latino Dilemma ~ It’s not ‘Whether to learn Inglés?’

The man who split Obama’s lip speaks ~ “They’ll tell you that the worst thing about Guantanamo Bay is the food, but really, it’s the heat.”

Time Magazine Will Not Tell You How to Cure Cancer ~ Then Time Magazine can go fuck itself.

Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Not Legally Married ~ How unfortunate. Hopefully this revelation won’t turn the young girl’s life into some kind of degrading spectacle.

But For Her Sake, Promise Us That You’ll Continue To Comport Yourself With Dignity And Class.

Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Have Benefits ~ Ha! No, not really. We just wanted to see if you’d try it. Where’s your dignity?

Can Sufism defuse radical Islam? ~ Sufis don’t make a habit of blowing shit up, so probably not.

How Much Do You Know About Alzheimer’s Disease? ~ “I’ve forgotten more about Alzheimer’s than you’ll ever know!”

For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love The results? Whining.

10 of the Worst Prisons in the World—Only 5 Are American Damn. We would have thought at least seven or eight would be domestic products. It’s true: the American Century has at last come to an end.

Up Close with the Clitoris ~ “Up close” isn’t really the best way to see it.

Did Amanda Bynes Attack Rihanna On Twitter? ~ Twitter is a text-based platform that only allows a user to post words and images. So no, she didn’t, and just asking makes you a pussy.

So Do You See The Difference Between Your Feelings And Your Face Now? You Can Bet Your Ass Rihanna Does.

10 Ways Japan Can Add 8.2 Million Women to the Work Force ~ # 6: Kill 8.2 million dudes.

Princess Kate undergoes hypnotherapy to treat food aversion ~ In the United Kingdom a food aversion is also called “common sense.”

Best Birth Control for Older Women ~ Being an older woman.

How to Beat LeBron James ~ We recommend using no fewer than two lead pipes and maybe a bicycle chain.

Sri Lankan inmate stashes phone in rectum ~ It sounds painful, we know. But don’t worry–it wasn’t HIS rectum.

What women don’t want: ‘Run boobies, run!’ Guys don’t want that either! We want those suckers right where we can see ‘em.

We’ve Got Your Back. Figuratively Speaking.

***

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31 Responses to Headlines: Eat Like A Bird

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    “Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position…and screaming.”—That’s also how we detect someone hiding from their annual rectal exam…

    Summer break or not, I had to stop by for a PT Headlines post. So glad I did. Lots of great laughs (that make me feel terrible for laughing) in this one!

    • Smaktakula says:

      Glad you enjoyed it, Carrie–and thanks for stopping by; it’s always delightful to see you. I hope your summer is treating you well.

      I loved “Spooky Road” although I wish you’d given a general vicinity (I don’t mean like GPS coordinates–I’m no stalker, but something I can look at on a map ((e.g., NE Vermont))). I once saw a road in Maine similar to that. It wasn’t as cool or secluded, but it was called ‘Wit’s End,’ which made it kinda neat.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        It’s a street in Keene, New Hampshire. It’s so eerie on a snowy night–probably the worst conditions to get out of my car and snap a picture…

      • Smaktakula says:

        Cool, thanks! The closest I’ve been to there is Austerlitz, New York, which is a bit to the south, and the NH coast. I do see that Keene is not terribly far from Nashua (nothing in that part of the country is very far from anything else), home of former congressman Dick Sweatt. Actually, I don’t know that he was from Nashua, but my friend whom he represented was.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        You’re right. Everything is in close proximity, yet far enough apart to be annoying when you don’t want to drive 40 minutes to go see a movie in a decent theater…

      • Smaktakula says:

        It takes me about a half-hour (with parking) to get to the closest theater with more than one screen. I don’t watch many movies, though.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        That’s the beauty of living in a A Place Between Cleveland and Akron (said tongue-in-cheek)–I can get to most anywhere I want in any direction within 5-10 minutes.

      • Smaktakula says:

        Do you have drive-ins? I think it would be fun to see a drive-in by the light of a burning river.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Aw, that’s sweet. Maybe they could show ‘Carrie.’

  2. Lots of stories about babies, pregnancies and boobs in this one. Smak, is there something you’re not telling us that we should know?

  3. calahan says:

    “Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and Jelly doughnuts.” Ha. Rarely do I laugh out loud, but this got me. Which sucks because I’m in a confessional.

  4. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I should always keep to the Headlines and your funny commentary and NOT read the articles! But I just think No, No, that’s bullshit….stop me!!! (what sicko would rape a duck)

  5. El Guapo says:

    If you knew earlier that it was a food baby,you could have saved that Peace Corp trip.
    But we’ve rented your room til you get back, so I guess it’s a win!

  6. jmmcdowell says:

    Isn’t Blond Monkey a band? Or wait, maybe it’s a craft beer. If it’s a real monkey in Congo, it’s probably going to be bush meat before it can take over anything.

  7. My favorite caption here: “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”

    • Smaktakula says:

      Well, bless you for not just thinking I was a moron (in this instance, anyway). Being a pedantic nerd myself, I’m tickled by the notion that even in this moment of extreme terror, Arvind is struggling to contain the urge to remind his assailant, “Actually, it’s the theory of relativity, and the man who first propounded it…” because he knows it will only start the beating afresh.

      “(SOB!) Someday…someday I’ll start a company and I’ll hire you to work at it. Then, when you least expect it, I’LL DOWNSIZE, motherfucker! You’ll see!”

  8. Alex Autin says:

    Damn, that’s an awful lot of Jimmy Carter hate. Let it go….

    • Smaktakula says:

      We were willing to forgive him when he started building houses. But he didn’t have to bring weed into this. That was out of line, and he knows it.

  9. I, for one, welcome our new goose-stepping blond monkey overlords.

  10. I am SO HAPPY you put a picture of Howard the Duck in there. I hadn’t seen the picture yet, and instantly thought of it when I read that headline. I hate missed opportunities for jokes.

  11. Thank goodness editor’s just a name that doesn’t have real meaning at all–hilarious stuff, as always! I was just scared with the last pic for a while, I thought that person lost his/her nipples.

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