Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

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18 Responses to Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

  1. Okay, so now I know I should just die, but before I do will you explain the Jamie Lee Curtis thing? That’s the one I didn’t hear about and well, I’m curious.

    • Smaktakula says:

      The rumor is so scurrilous that I feel sheepish even dignifying it with an explanation (which might lead you to ask, ‘If that’s true, why bring it up in the first place?’, but only if you weren’t aware of how completely at ease I am with my own hypocrisy), but the rumor is that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female genitalia.

      I’m like 98% sure it isn’t true.

  2. “If it bleeds, we can kill it.” Sounds like the next motto for the Marines.
    Hey, c’mon now. Let’s leave Jamie Lee alone. Back in the day, when she was being stalked by a serial killer wearing a mask, she was kind of hot.
    Took me a while to figure out the math on 1/8th of a ton. Your making me feel a little better about myself, despite the fact that I now no longer tuck my shirts in. Luckily, almost no one does anymore.

    • Smaktakula says:

      As you probably know, I ripped off the “Bleeds” line from Predator.
      And hey, I’m with you on Jamie Lee–she had some great assets. But the rumor…when I see her I can’t not think it.
      And yeah, I’m a large mammal. But in my defense, I can still wear the clothes I was wearing when I graduated. And sadly, probably do.

  3. Alex Autin says:

    I always enjoy Headlines, but I’ll confess that I never (ever!) check out the links. I mean, hell, that’s why I subscribe to Promethean Times – so I do have to actually read shit. However, your response to Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom was so funny that I checked out the link. It won’t happen again….

  4. El Guapo says:

    Sadly, the Jehovahs Witnesses don’t even get to ask if they can watch something like that. The answer is always no.

  5. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Hilarious! Hilarious! Hilarious! I did not know the rumor about Jamie (wow) and the commentary about Travolta – had me soooo laughing!

  6. The only other question about the boomers that makes sense there is, “Why, and what can we do to make sure it keeps happening?” As for the European common genetic thing, I refuse to believe that the French and the Germans share any common DNA. Even if they do, you just know the German DNA would overrun and destroy the French DNA molecules before they even knew what hit them.

  7. jmmcdowell says:

    That 1000-year separation, though, raises so many questions for me. Like, what did then trigger the cultural divides in such a relatively short time? And as for whether Christians can watch Game of Thrones, well, those who would say they can’t remind me of certain Muslims telling other Muslims they can’t do yoga….

  8. Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty? Geez–have they even tried taking a picture of a vagina?!

  9. While the content of your blog is frequently blush-producing, I find many of your comments hysterical. I nominated you for the Sunshine Award. The rules (feel free to ignore them), and my comments (which are sincere) are on my blogl Keep them laughing! http://earth-rider.com/2013/06/20/thank-you-thank-you/

  10. I like trousersnake pics. Is that so wrong? A nice gentleman’s sausage is well…nice.

    And as far as Europeans go, I can see where they’re coming from, except it seems the Brits (God love ‘em) have the most horrible teeth. And how does one explain all the superfluous body hair (and the foul body odor) on the French and Italians?

  11. El Guapo says:

    And then I thought “Where the hell is Smak?”.
    So I came by.
    And now I’m thinking “Where the hell is Smak?”.

    Hope all is well, and you and the family are re out enjoying the hell out of yourselves.

  12. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Did you get lost?

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