Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.



Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.
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19 Responses to Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

  1. tomsimard says:

    Remind me never to try Béarnaise sauce.

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Testicles, sperm, fellatio—it’s like a male anatomy smorgasbord on PT today…

    Funny as always!

  3. El Guapo says:

    Must have been a horrible beating, because that pun was, in fact, pretty painful.

    What’s with the sappy bit about the Full House actress? Sheesh, you’re a softie!

    • Smaktakula says:

      I sat on that headline for months because of the pun. Nothing changed, but apparently, its time had come.

      Was I sappy? Oof, I try to avoid that. But Andrea (whom I knew casually) was a very sweet person, that rare combination of pretty religious but largely non-judgemental, which gives a person a strong moral compass, but doesn’t make them a huge pain in the ass. I had never seen “Full House,” and it was funny to hear Andrea try to describe the character to someone who had no idea. Subsequently, I’ve seen clips of “Kimmie Gibbler,” so it makes more sense to me now.

  4. So when in Rome, yammer your head off, eh?

  5. Alex Autin says:

    I needed these today – hilarious!

  6. I’m saving this so I can read more later, but already I’d be ticked if the girl who can’t mow her lawn was MY neighbor.

  7. calahan says:

    Oh, how I have missed your headlines, Smak.

  8. whiteladyinthehood says:

    This is so much better than reading the paper! Does anyone even read a newspaper anymore…hhmm…Great Headlines – kept me in stitches this morning.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Chicago Blanca. You know, in all seriousness, except for free copies of USA Today in hotels, I haven’t read a paper in years. I read the Economist every week, and it calls itself a newspaper, but it’s really a magazine.

      • whiteladyinthehood says:

        Our school gets free newspapers – I grab one and read one on a rare occasion…(I hardly know any breaking news stories unless people are taking about it)
        The Economist, huh? (brainiac)

  9. Luddy's Lens says:

    With enough rats to keep a fella alive for four months, are we certain those were “raisins”?

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