Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.


What We Lost When J.F.K. Died Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

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25 Responses to Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    A bar of soap. So funny and so mean at the same time.

    Good to see a post from PT. I pulled up the blog recently to make sure my email notifications were still working. Worried I might be missing your posts. Good to know I haven’t been. You just have a life.

  2. El Guapo says:

    That Far Side cartoon is one of the three greatest. I reference it whenever I see someone push a pull door.
    By the way, stay away from that Martha Stewart threesome video. Two burly well-dressed men showed up after I watched it and destroyed my computer.

    And then made me some delicious scones.

    • Smaktakula says:

      That Far Side cartoon is one of the three greatest.

      I would be very interested in hearing your picks. In the meantime, I’ll try to think about mine.

      Our tastes in comic strips of a certain era seem to converge in at least two places (and I’ll bet a couple more). However, I’m even more sure that I’m alone in my ten-year dalliance with Mary Worth.

      Although I’d love to hear that I’m not. Please somebody tell me that I’m not.

      • tomsimard says:

        You’re not.
        I used to look forward to Dondi in the Sunday comics a long, long time ago.
        I need to dust off a Far Side collection I’ve got lying around somewhere or other. Wonderful stuff.
        Really enjoyed the headlines.

      • Smaktakula says:

        Thanks, Tom–yeah, I’ve got a few Far Side, Bloom County and Doonsbury books on my shelves, as well as some books of political cartoons (which are cool because they’re from the 1980s and before, so they’re also glimpses back into history. Some historical figures got a lot more cartoon attention than their actual legacy would warrant: I give you Spiro Agnew.

        I can recall Dondi, but it was never in any papers I read. I know Dondi was a young man, but that’s all I know. Was it humor, adventure?

      • tomsimard says:

        Adventure. He was a five-year-old war orphan.

  3. You’re in good form, Smak, but my favorite was the idea of you conceiving your kids in a Dodge Dart — and then suing Chrysler. Twice, right?

    • Smaktakula says:

      Well, once it was the makers of the AMC Pacer, but I consolidated the two for ease of reading.

      • And I thought doing the wild thing in the back of a ’94 Camry was bad. (It didn’t lead to procreation, though, so I can’t blame Toyota for that. My precious only male child was born in ’91.) Matter of fact, it was good. Probably too good. What a shame that actually happened in late ’93. It’s bad when you have to write in “vicarious” or “I think I might remember that” next to the box marked “sex” when filling out forms. Do I need a life or what?

  4. There are a lot of college educated ditch diggers now. :(
    And I can not for the life of me think of why a 2 year old should need bariatric surgery, unless his fucktard parents let him get SO fat, he was in danger of dying before he could lose the weight himself by actual healthy diet and exercise…. I suppose I might learn something if I actually read the article, huh? lol

    • It’s called portion control. If your two year old’s rear end is the size of a Toyota Corolla already, maybe think twice before you let him have that entire large supreme pizza for dinner, eh?

      • It makes me sad when I see how large some of the children around here are. :( And even better than portion control would be to get the child some decent exercise!!!

      • Too many parents are afraid to let their kids outside-and/or are too lazy to get outside and exercise with them. I agree, though, I see some very lardy small children around. You just didn’t see fat kids when I was growing up. Maybe that was because we were poor and you were lucky to eat at all- and your parents made you play outside so you wouldn’t trash the house. If you went missing, oh, well- one less mouth to feed.

      • I think it was the lack of video games and internet (like you said, they played outside more.) I also seem to remember fat children being few and far between. If one was overweight, he was “the fat kid.” Now, you’re like, “WHICH fat kid?” But at that age, I don’t blame them. Like you said, get your ass outside with your kid (and I do, and it’s gonna SUCK when she drags me out there in the dead of winter this year! lol)

      • I ended up reading the article, and sadly, it is what I thought…the poor kid had sleep apnea and was now in danger of dying. SUPPOSEDLY they had tried diet but it hadn’t worked (I’m guessing they did not stick to it, because unless he had some sort of physical illness or problem that would keep him from losing, reducing his calorie intake should have almost guaranteed weight loss.)

  5. Explaining “twerking” to one’s parents. I tried to explain what a “blow job” was to my very conservative, very sheltered, very Catholic mother and I thought she was going to have a coronary. Some things are best left unsaid.

  6. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Hey Smakington! Glad to see you. Thanks for the laughs!! (I didn’t click the link for big penis, small penis…nope, I sure didn’t.)

  7. tomsimard says:

    For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I can’t comment on your last 2 posts.

  8. jmmcdowell says:

    Some conversation topics and parents simply do not mix. Twerking ranks right up there. And the other 3 best Michigan cities are probably in Canada….

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