In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.
What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.
Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.
Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.
Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!
Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.
Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.
Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?
Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.
1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!
Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…
Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.
Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.
‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”
Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?
40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”
Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.
What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.
UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.
Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.
What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”
Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.
Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.
Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.
Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?
What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’
Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’
Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’
NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.
Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.
Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?