Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

By Smaktakula

We Believe It Is Vitally Important To Treat An Issue With The Same Respect You Would Accord To Any Other Issue.

In which we celebrate our awe-inspiring ignorance by commenting on the headlines to articles we can’t be bothered to read.

***

The Reasons Kim and Kanye Picked The Name “ North ” May Surprise You ~ So it isn’t because they’re both brain-dead half-wits? Because, yeah–anything else WOULD be a surprise.

America’s new Irish immigrants ~ Every bit as drunken and shiftless as the last batch.

Vote: Should Marijuana Users Be Arrested? Hmm. You know, a better question might be, “Should you go fuck yourself?” You already know our answer.

Ark. SWAT officers kill man, 107, in standoff Seems like maybe they could have waited around for just a little while and let nature do the messy work for them.

Seahorses stalk their prey by stealth As opposed to the many, many animals which prefer to stalk their prey by making a god-awful racket.

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis ‘shaken, not stirred’ Because James Bond has a very serious drinking problem, and his friends are terrified to talk to him about it.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

The Ridiculous Things Lost On NYC Trains ~ We don’t consider a 14-year-old’s virginity to be at all ridiculous.

Why We Cry on Planes Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

Does doing yoga make you a Hindu? We dunno. Does blowing shit up make you a Muslim?

Why A Peanut Butter Test For Alzheimer’s Might Be Too Simple ~ For the same reason that the Saltine Cracker AIDS test was a bust.

5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”

Can TIME Predict Your Politics? ~ TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover. Grow up.

“But What Do The Kardashians Feel Is The Best Solution To Stem The Seemingly Intractable Internecine Bloodshed In South Sudan?”

Paul Walker’s Last Words Revealed “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Would You Date a Much Younger Man? How much younger? ‘Cause at a certain point, it starts to get a little…you know…illegal.

Atomic bomb nearly exploded over North Carolina in 1961, report says Which would have been awful, sure–but we’d still have South Carolina. It’s not like we need ‘em both, anyway; in a pinch, we could make do with just one Carolina.

Why I shun the Champs Elysees ~ Because it’s infested with Frenchmen. Duh.

The 4 Dangers Destroying Men ~ 1) Women, 2) Ladies, 3) Chicks, and in the case of gay men, 4) Gal Pals.

Restaurant Report: Chinese buffet facing violations ~ Well, if it met health and safety standards, it just wouldn’t be a Chinese buffet, now would it?

“Taste Just Like Chicken!”

5 simple things a tired mama wants for Christmas ~ Baby, I got everything you need right here in my pants–it’s a gift certificate for the day spa. You’re so special!

LBJ’s reaction to JFK’s death ~ “Hah! We got that son of a bitch!”

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Cheney Feared Terrorists Could Hack His Heart Are you reading this, Hamid?

Suzanne Somers is having sex — and a lot of it ~ Titillating is to disgusting as 1981 is to 2014.

Figure skating champ Boitano says he’s gay It’s hard to say how this stunning revelation will play out in the hyper-masculine world of men’s figure skating.

It May Not Be This Year, Or Even The Next, But Someday Men’s Figure Skating Will Have To Embrace Tolerance.

Whether you like it or not, the U.S. needs Mexico It’s like the pretty girl who brings her ugly friend to parties.

Iran says all sides agree to N-deal But still, no one can actually bring themselves to say the N-Word.

Erich Priebke, Nazi Who Carried Out Massacre of 335 Italians, Dies at 100 Hopefully this will put it in perspective for you: God doesn’t care about Italians.

Am I Bankrupting Social Security by Taking Benefits I May Not Need? ~ Heavens, no! Cowardly politicians are bankrupting it by refusing to address it in any meaningful way.

Woman’s Husband Told Her She’s Not Pretty Enough Still looking for the last honest man?

You Won’t Believe the Jobs Walmart Is Creating ~ Shitty ones.

Well, How Can You Be Trusted To Help Me When You Can’t Be Trusted To Make Sound Career Choices?

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18 Responses to Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

  1. tomsimard says:

    “TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover.”
    Great line and so true.
    Perhaps my favorite was the sweet little kitty in the KFC bucket.
    It’s probably just me but every time I hear of KFC buckets my mind turns to Buckethead.

    • Smaktakula says:

      It’s nice to be reminded of Buckethead. he’s one of those rare instances where gimmickry and talent intersect. TIME is what you read in the dentist’s office when you want to be distracted from thoughts of your upcoming root canal, but don’t want to be made to think too hard.

      • El Guapo says:

        Buckethead put on a great show when I saw him.

        As a matter of perspective, he left the rebuilt GnR because Axl was too weird for him.
        Think about that for a moment – Axl was too weird for a guy who wears a KFC bucket on his head professionally.

      • Smaktakula says:

        Have you seen Axl lately? He’s a strange leather-creature with some kind of macrame folk-art piece on his head.

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    “TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover.”—I loved that one. Looks like I’m not the only one.

    There was recently an article in the paper about how James Bond would actually be a severe alcoholic if he drank as much as they depict him drinking. And, of course, his nose would not be nearly so pretty. It’d be all red and bulbous from years of the hooch.

    • Smaktakula says:

      James Bond is a wonderful character–lots of fun. However, were he a real dude, he would be rife with demons. Sure, he’s an alcoholic, but he’s also a serial killer. Then, there’s his relationships with women…

  3. I had to laugh at the men’s figure skating…the picture was priceless. I think you’re the only one that can get away with this kind of humor and still be loved.

    • Smaktakula says:

      You’re so kind! There are some hot-button topics that will always set people off, no matter how gentle the joke. I do wince a little at some of the truly meaner ones (the God doesn’t care about Italians joke springs to mind), but most of them are intended with a light heart.

  4. calahan says:

    Oh how I’ve missed these, Smak. Not you, just these.

  5. El Guapo says:

    I have no idea where you got the Jr Mujahadeen outfit in the top pic. It was the number one kids item for xmas this year.

  6. Alex Autin says:

    Thank you Promethean Times, because of you I don’t have to waste a second of my time actually reading any of the above articles, and yet still feel perfectly capable of commenting on them with smug authority.

    By the way, that top picture nearly made me spew coffee. Any parent who would dress their kid up like that must have a great sense of humor. I mean, any parent who would do it as a joke, not those who do it, you know, for real….

    • Smaktakula says:

      I think so much matters in intent. Lately people have been freaking out about the use of traditional cultural apparel in American Halloween costumes. If you’re making fun of it, okay–that’s offensive. But if I think Bedouins, the Apache or Hmong villagers are cool, and I want to dress up like them for Halloween, then people should just get the fuck over it.

  7. jmmcdowell says:

    That opening photo is just … so wrong, on so many levels. What are parents thinking? Um, wait, that’s probably not the problem, is it.

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