Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

Tits McGee': Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

‘Short-man syndrome’ is real Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

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17 Responses to Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

  1. tomsimard says:

    Great job. The headlines would not be the same without you.
    Mad for Tang, was he?
    By the way, maybe we should reconsider our swift condemnation of Time. After their headline on the sexism of Playboy they inform us “It is no longer every man’s fantasy to dominate a woman dressed as a furry woodland creature. It is no longer every woman’s fantasy to oblige.” Absolutely impossible to make that stuff up.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Yeah, without TIME to tell me these things, I wouldn’t know! I recall many years ago when TIME let me know that the Sexual Revolution had ended. The bummer was that I was twelve or so, and this was the first time I’d heard anything about it!

      Which is why I hate the hippies.

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”—Doesn’t look good for me then if I ever end up in a courtroom…

    Great headline interpretations as always!

    • Smaktakula says:

      Thanks, Connie–but don’t sell yourself short. I’ve found that a person really doesn’t know himself (or herself) at all until the moment the authorities start reading him his rights. You’ll just have to wait and see, but I’ve got faith in you!

  3. Love the ADHD quip. Having taught school for several years, I can tell you that they’re virtually all naturally ADHD, and that’s O.K, (especially now that I’m not a teacher anymore.)

  4. calahan says:

    You would think, though, that Benjamin “Syphilis” Franklin, upon meeting a giant dispenser, might ask instead for gallons of penicillin.

  5. Ohh, you’re priceless. In case you need another quiet long-time wife story trying/killing her husband here’s a recent local one. http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/police-woman-put-fecal-matter-husbands-iv-22318754. The world’s going loco.

  6. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Tits McGee….She looks like she has beach balls in a bathing suit top!

  7. El Guapo says:

    As someone who crows loudly about not reading the stories from whence these headlines are taken, Sir, I am singularly offended that you have chosen to mock my fine literary magazine, Playboy, which I only buy for the articles.
    Good day to you, Sir.
    I SAID GOOD DAY.

  8. Karen says:

    That vodka thing is still a headline? Wasn’t that the reason we felt superior to them back in the 80s?

  9. jmmcdowell says:

    I am shocked, shocked I tell you, to learn that Lance Armstrong was juiced to make money by winning races. Where would we be without Oprah to bring such darkness into the light?

  10. As someone who never watched “Friends” once, the fact that there’s no chance that there will be a reunion show still pleases me, too. There’s something about TV shows that are so over-the-top popular that compels me to completely avoid them.

  11. Luddy's Lens says:

    Sorry, Smak: This week you are no match for that opening photo.

    What…th’FUCK?!

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