A Journey Of 1,000 Miles Begins With A Single Step.

Metuchen, NJ: Actor Robert Hegyes died in his home Thursday after apparently suffering a  heart attack.  The Welcome Back, Kotter star was sixty years old.

Don't Pity Him, Kids--Time Will Have Its Way With You, Too.

Hegyes rose to fame in the 1970s playing Juan Epstein, a wiseacre Puerto Rican-Jewish street punk with an impressive Jewfro.  Actors Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (the black one), John Travolta (the successful one) and Horshack (Horshack) rounded out the ensemble cast of Kotter, which ran from 1976 to 1979.  Despite its initial popularity, the show quickly lost steam when Travolta’s film career took off, and when viewers began to realize that the dead-end lives of four doomed, inner-city losers wasn’t so funny after all.

"I'm Gonna Die In A Drug Deal Gone Bad!" {CUE LAUGH TRACK}

In later years, Hegyes supported himself by teaching, and although he continued to act into the twenty-first century, never again found a role as iconic as Juan Epstein. Hegyes’ is survived by his two children.  Today we, along with millions around the globe, share their grief, and give voice to the silent, angry question on so many minds: “Why couldn’t it have been Horshack?”

Put Your Arm Down, Ass-Chasm. Your Time Will Come.

"SOON..."

Does it make us evil that, when stuck behind a slow-moving car with a ‘tard card (known in some parts of the country as a handicapped placard), we sometimes think, “Hey! Just because you’re a cripple doesn’t mean you have to drive like one!“?

Hailing From 'Bamy Is Its Own Handicap.

And does it make us evil that the next time you’re behind a differently-abled driver who can’t quite drive 55,  you’ll think it too?

You.  It makes you a bad person.  I want no part of this.  ∞T.

In The Land Of The Free, It's Just Something You Have To Do.

With election talk heating up across the nation, Americans are bracing for the surfeit of unpleasantries attendant with any election year.  The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid.  No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, If You're Not Prepared To Vote Responsibly, Don't Think You Have To Vote At All.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election.  This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ’It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

You're Right, The Last Three Years AREN'T His Fault. They're Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership.  This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain.  In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

They Told Her It Said "SLUT."

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can't Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It's Important For Everyone To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You're Talking About.

24-Inch Pythons Won't Help You Vote Responsibly.

"They Voted Me In."

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

Through the magic of the freezeframe, we present the following image of TV chef Rachael Ray for your viewing and photoshopping pleasure.

'TV G' Indeed.

It’s just a spelling error, folks!  We’re not that crass! ∞T.

Can We All Agree That Some Mascots Are Totally Fucking Gay?

No one will seriously argue that Utah is a fun place to be for any extended period–it’s hard to find a drink when you want one, there’s no access to medical marijuana,  and worst of all, everybody smiles all the time.  Moreover, the majority of the state is a blighted, lifeless desert, and the only body of water worth a damn is so choked with salt that only Sea-Monkeys thrive in the briny morass.  But despite its many, many faults, Utah is rightly regarded as a sensitive place, a reputation reinforced by a recent high school mascot naming fracas.

What About A Mascot Everyone Can Get Behind?

The students at Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah were given the honor of determining their school mascot through a student-wide vote.  Knowing the disgusting nature of children, the school board was prepared for some unusual–perhaps even filthy–mascot suggestions: the Fighting Taints, the Teabaggers or the Kumonaywannalayus.

WSU: We Were Sexist Before It Was Cool To Be Sexist.

However, the students’ choice, the Cougars, caught even the most jaded school administrator off guard.  Although the majority of Corner Canyon students and their parents were unaware of it, and despite the nickname’s ubiquity among school mascots,  ’cougar’ is a highly offensive term to some people.  Cougars, primarily known as large, North American felines, are increasingly coming to represent middle-aged women who are attracted to younger men, rendering the term decidedly inappropriate for use as a school mascot.  The school board wisely overturned the students’ decision, selecting instead a war-horse, a mascot which could prove hurtful to no one.

"That's Off-EHHHHHHHHHHHN-Sive!"

Turns Out It's Dark, Foul And Full Of Sand.

In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there?  Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!

Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?

What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years.  And maybe learning something.  You know, whatever.

Don't Get Excited, Folks--It's Just Tobacco.

Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.

Good Minus God ~ Is just ’0′.

Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.

LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?

Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.

No Man Can Tame Those Magnificent Beasts.

Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.

Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is.  Otherwise, no.

Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had.  Wait.  You don’t mean for President, do you?  President of the United States and Leader of the Free World?  Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?

Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~  We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets.  It doesn’t work.

How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.

Not This One, For Example.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses  say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.

3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.

The Funny Comes Pre-Bundled.

More Topical Reading:

• Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
• Headlines II
• Headlines III
• Headlines IV
• Headlines V
• Headlines VI
• Headlines VII
• Headlines VIII
• Headlines IX
• Headlines X
• Headlines XI

It may be comforting to know exactly what Fr. Cochran is whispering in your ear.

Spare The Rod? That's Not Happening.

Because It's Your Right To Choose (Certain Exceptions May Apply).

In its 1973 landmark decision, Roe v. Wade, the US Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution guaranteed a woman’s right to an abortion.  This decision gave women control of their own reproductive choices, and freed them from the potential slavery of unwanted children.

Don't Sweat It; There's A Quick Fix If Something Happens.

However, in 2012 there is growing concern that some parents may be abusing this fundamental right.  Although a relatively insignificant problem in the West, sex-selective abortion has radically changed the demographic makeup of countries like China or India, where boys are more highly prized than are girls. To prevent the wholesale erasure of an entire generation of girls, advocates say that even in countries like the United States where sex-selection is rare, parents shouldn’t be told the gender of their child until late in the pregnancy except in the most extreme cases.

So We Guess Abortion Should Be Kept Safe And Legal, As Long As Everybody Remembers It's A Child And Not A Choice.

If fetal identity protection is enshrined into law, it could prove a godsend for all women, even those as-yet unborn.  The elimination of the gender-selection loophole would limit abortion to those women with any one of the many acceptable reason for undergoing the procedure, such as not wanting a child, but would prevent individuals from terminating their pregnancies for reasons as odious as not wanting a girl-child.

"Abort More Boys!"

We'll Bet Mom And Dad Had Big Dreams For You.

Unless you’re a friendless, housebound wretch, you’ve been to a concert, sporting match or other public gathering for which the purchase of tickets is required.  If you have, you’ve no doubt fought your way through the army of malodorous transients clustered around the entrance offering to sell you tickets.  These hard-working professionals are called scalpers.

Scalping: It Isn't Pretty.

The sobriquet is a reference to the grisly practice of tearing an enemy’s scalp from his head.  Despite these sensitive, stigma-erasing times, which have seen prostitutes elevated to sex workers and cum-catchers to jizzmastrae, the colorful term ‘scalper’ is, in the United States at least, the nearly-exclusive term for  these grey-market resellers.    The term has become so entrenched that it applies to anyone who resells tickets to a venue, apparently even if it’s a dude in buckskins hawking tickets to the Right Said Fred show at the Lucky Eagle Casino.

"There Will Be A Surcharge For Your Insensitivity."

Ugh! ∞ T.

"Everything That We See Is A Shadow Cast By That Which We Do Not See."

Forty-plus years after his slaying in Memphis, Tennessee,  Martin Luther King, Jr. remains a beloved figure not only in the United States of America, but throughout the entire world.  His courage, moral example and dedication to non-violence catalyzed the civil rights movement  to a degree that cannot be underestimated, and proved stronger even than the will of governments.  The lives of millions were transformed through Dr. King’s efforts.

He should not, however, be confused with the similarly-named German priest whose protest against the Catholic Church catapulted Protestantism to its current position among the great religions of the world.  That was King’s father, Martin Luther King, Sr.

No, It Doesn't Make Much Sense To Us, Either. But You Can't Argue With History.