Reblogged from Promethean Times:

There was nobody like her.

It’s Worth Everything To Know That No Matter How Bad You Fuck Up, Someone Still Loves You.

***

It’s impossible to capture in words the full measure of someone you love and admire so deeply as I do my mother.

Many of the people here today knew my mother well, and are acquainted with her many superlative qualities. She was an intelligent, accomplished, funny, loving woman.

But sometimes there are subtle aspects to a person, which are easily overlooked because they are qualities which run true and deep.

In my mother, one of these characteristics was her tremendous strength of spirit.  My mother was a gentle woman, and so often it seems that gentleness is mistaken for weakness. This was never so with my mother; she was fierce in fighting for the people she loved, and resolute in defending the things she valued.

My mother talked to me often about my father’s death, and how that event had impacted her life and would shape the remarkable woman she would become. A self-described “surfer girl,” she had envisioned for herself a life as a homemaker, and had never given serious thought to a career. But when she found herself widowed and pregnant at twenty-five, she found also her own strength, which was to become so characteristic of the funny, fearless woman I grew up knowing. My mother became a woman she never dreamed existed.  She worked hard and made sacrifices along the way, many of them in private.  She never complained.

Sometimes, including her recent illness, well-meaning people would suggest to my mother that she’d had a rough life.  My mother was honestly surprised by this sentiment, as she felt very fortunate to have lived the life she did.  She told me many times that life was full of sorrows, but that life’s joys outnumbered them, and that was the point of being alive. She kept this attitude to the last of her days.

People have asked if my mother suffered during her illness, and yes, she did suffer. But she lived every day of her life.

My mother enjoyed being alive, and drew her joy from the people around her – friends and loved ones. To her, the people and animals in her life were more valuable than all the riches of the world, and she was grateful for their love and attention. My mother believed in unconditional love, and in championing those things which matter. She believed that kindness trumped anger. She believed that faith and hope triumphed over suffering and despair.

{My mother} was the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the good fortune to meet.  I’m so much luckier that she was my mother.

You’re A Hard Act To Follow.

When You Find Yourself Bragging About Amenities Like Running Water Or Paved Streets, It’s Time To Face The Ugly Fact That You’ve Got Nothing At All Going For You.

Part II in our hard-hitting series on Gentleman’s Clubs. Be sure to check out Part I: De-Billed and Unfulfilled.

This One Has It All!

Kids Possibly Getting Hurt Off-Camera!

West Coast Chauvinism!

Bad Singing!

In which we respond to spam with a public service.

Disclaimer: Although he doesn’t really do it very much any more,¹ Tardsie is a licensed insurance professional in the state of California. Please consult your insurance provider before making any decisions or purchasing any insurance-related products.

Recently, Promethean Times received this spam message:

Boy, Did You Come To The Right Guy!

We respond:

That’s a great question, Anonymous Spambot, and while we’re not interested in investing in gold at this time, we’d be more than happy to answer your query.

First of all, I’m delighted to hear that you have Renter’s Insurance. Despite being inexpensive and readily available, Renter’s Insurance, which most often includes a package of personal property protection, liability and guest medical coverage, is vastly underutilized in America today. The reasons are myriad, ranging from grossly underestimating the expense required to replace clothing, furniture and electronics in the event of a covered loss to a failure to understand the very real need for this product (e.g., “If the pipes burst, and water destroys all my stuff, my landlord will pay for it.”).

But to your question, “Will Renter’s Insurance Cover My Jewelry?” the answer is NO. Most Renter’s policies don’t cover unique or hard-to-replace items for more than an aggregate $1,000, if they cover them at all. In the event of a loss, these items will likely not be covered at their full value. Fortunately, many Renter’s policies allow you to schedule unique or hard-to-replace items at appraised values for an additional fee and a written appraisal from a qualified expert.

Your insurance agent will be more than happy to help you determine your exact needs in regard to scheduling jewelry and other high-value items on your Renter’s policy. We hope our advice has helped, and that your journey forward in the fascinating world of insurance minutiae is a rewarding one! Come again.

I Try To Bring A Sense Of Quiet Professional Dignity To Everything I Do.

¹ I’ll actually be doing a short stint in the insurance salt mines from 05.20-5.31. Once again, I’ll need your pity, folks–they’re expecting five hours a day out of me. Thank God for the Memorial Day 3-Day Weekend. Working folk like us deserve a break now and then, am I right? ∞ T.

Much Like A Tramp-Stamp Which Reads “WHORE,” This Is A Great Example Of Truth In Advertising.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people … ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.

In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade ~ A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.

The road ahead for amputees ~ Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.

Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.

Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.

10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?

All That Pussy And No One To Share It With.

Angelina Jolie Ruins Jennifer Aniston’s Happiness. Once Again ~ Awesome!

Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.

Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper ~ He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’

Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.

10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.

An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?

“HERRO DORRY!”

Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?

Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.

Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!

Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth ~ #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.

5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.

The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?

It’s Been An Open Secret For Years.

FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict ~ KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!

10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.

4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat~ “We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”

Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.

16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.

Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.

SEE? Only MOST Of What We Have To Say Is Pure Bullshit.

Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.

Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.

Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.

Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ ~ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.

UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots ~ Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.

Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?

But If You Must Smoke ‘Em, It’s Healthiest To Use A Vaporizer.

Reblogged from Promethean Times:

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

By Smaktakula

Across time and culture it has long been the accepted practice of parents everywhere to embarrass their children. Historically this has taken many forms, with parents finding some way--a dead-end job, an embarrassing religious or social affiliation, or being personally grotesque--to mortify their offspring.  So it has gone since time began, and so it was assumed until recently, it would continue.

Read more… 728 more words

And Another Thing: You Know The Word ‘Peruse’ Means To Read THOROUGHLY, And Not Just To Skim, Right? No, You Didn’t.

Man, it really chaps my hide when I’m reading¹ a historical work and the author makes an ambiguous statement like “Many historians agree that the underlying causes of the First World War were rooted…”

It’s like, geez, aren’t you the historian? Take a stand on this one, dude!

I Have Never Pretended To Be Anything But What I Am.

¹ Or rather, listening. As a functional illiterate, most of my ‘reading’ is done via audiobook, what many audiobook narrators call “the Devil’s Literature.” ∞ T.

Reblogged from Promethean Times:

• 
• 
• 
• 

Originally posted 10.04.11

By Smaktakula

Admit it, you don't know much about the Jehovah's Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of…

Read more… 318 more words

Reblogged from Promethean Times:

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

By Smaktakula

If you have a penis, or know someone who does, then we don't have to tell you that it's a rough time to be a phallus. Not so long ago, the dangers faced by cocks were somewhat pedestrian: the clap, chafing from improper handling or the thankfully more infrequent, but blindly excruciating pain of getting the 'lil man caught in your zipper.

Read more… 594 more words

Four Walls And A Roof Make It A House. Love Makes It A Home.

JUST LIKE CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTER, SAD & FUNNY ARE TWO GREAT TASTES THAT TASTE GREAT TOGETHER!

***

Look, We’re Not Saying The Apple Was Asking For It, But When You Leave The House Without Your Peel And Flaunt Your Pulp For Any Grape, Plum Or Cherry That Comes Along, Somebody’s Gonna Get Juiced.

***

In The Hilarious Modern Remake Of “It’s A Wonderful Life,” Little Billy Gets To See What Life Would Be Like If He Had Never Been Born.

***

Were You Looking For An Honest Answer Or Did You Want Me To Tell You Something That Won’t Creep You Out?

***

“And This Is Where Jesus Likes To Set His Beer.”

***

The Answer Is “U”, For “Duck.” Jan Feels That The Comically Over-Sized Mallard Helps To Distract From The Big Swingin’ Meat-Sword She Has Hidden Under That Dress.*

***

While It Is Technically True That “A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words,” It’s A Mistake To Assume That They’re All DIFFERENT Words. For Example, This Photo Just Says “I Will Go To My Lonely Grave Without Ever Having Known The Pleasure Of A Woman’s Touch” 58.823 Times.

***

This Sign Proved A Mixed Blessing. On One Hand It Cruelly Mocked A Marginalized People And Reinforced Ignorant Stereotypes And Misapprehensions About Their Ancient Way Of Life. On The Plus Side, Since The Sign Remained In Place For Several Years, It Showed The World That There Are Some Things Even A Gypsy Won’t Steal.

***

“You Look Adorable In Your Mermaid Costume, Sweetie. But Something’s Missing–It Doesn’t Proclaim To The World That I’m An Inappropriate Creep And Ridiculously Ill-Suited To Be A Father…Hey, That’s It! I’ve Got Just The Thing. Here, Try These On!”

***

His Parents Have Tried Everything–Apple, Orange, Grape, Cranberry And Literally Every Product Ocean Spray Ever Made, But It’s No Use–That Kid Seems To Have A Pathological Hatred Of The Juice.

***

PAN DOWN!!!! PAN DOWN!!!!

***

I Camp Out In The Parking Lot On Most Nights To Get An Early Start In The Morning.

***

* This image comes from back in my teaching days. I found it in a resource for first and second graders. Humanity, you are beautiful–don’t you ever change on us. ∞ T.