What you should know before reading Promethean Times:
We take ourselves every bit as seriously as you do.
If it’s not funny, that means you didn’t get it.
Readers who miss the point are invited–encouraged even–to comment anyway.
We do not discriminate against any culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, occupation, age group or gender. We hold all God’s children in equal contempt.
Tardsie is both Promethean Times’ Editor-In-Chief and a Special Olympics backpack. It’s probably best you get your head around that now.
Our commitment to bettering society is surpassed only by our unflagging hypocrisy.
If you get the joke but don’t find it funny, you’re still not getting it.
Journalistic integrity is such an entrenched facet of Promethean Times’ organizational culture that there’s no reason whatsoever to ever check our facts. Seriously, don’t.
We mock short people because secretly, we’re afraid we might someday be afflicted with shortness.
Smaktakula maintains one of the largest private collections of Jack T. Chick tracts in the world, including several rare and out-of-print tracts. He is personally responsible for convincing Chick Publications to re-release the delightful Dark Dungeons.
We use swear words to compensate for a meager vocabulary and a dearth of real insight. Your third-grade teacher was right about that.
Whenever possible, we avoid sweeping generalizations and irresponsible characterizations, which can upset more sensitive groups. This is particularly true regarding the people of Cameroon, who have no sense of humor whatsoever.
Just understand that ‘which’ and ‘that’ will always be our grammatical Achilles’ heels.
Copy editor Arturo the Pool Boy is actually 24 years old. The reason for his youthful appearance is Tardsie’s insistence that Arturo regularly use a depilatory ointment to ensure that his slender body remains at all times “baby-ass smoove.”
If you say, “No, I get it. You’re employing a deceptive cocktail of verbal flimflammery peppered with vulgarity to lampoon society’s ills without ever once bothering to offer a solution. That, and it just isn’t all that clever,” then you have no soul.
We’re not trying to offend you, but we don’t care if we do.
We’re cavalierly insincere and glibly deceitful, but only because we love you so very much.