And Another Thing: You Know The Word ‘Peruse’ Means To Read THOROUGHLY, And Not Just To Skim, Right? No, You Didn’t.
Man, it really chaps my hide when I’m reading¹ a historical work and the author makes an ambiguous statement like “Many historians agree that the underlying causes of the First World War were rooted…”
It’s like, geez, aren’t you the historian? Take a stand on this one, dude!
I Have Never Pretended To Be Anything But What I Am.
Originally posted 10.04.11
Admit it, you don't know much about the Jehovah's Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of…
If you have a penis, or know someone who does, then we don't have to tell you that it's a rough time to be a phallus. Not so long ago, the dangers faced by cocks were somewhat pedestrian: the clap, chafing from improper handling or the thankfully more infrequent, but blindly excruciating pain of getting the 'lil man caught in your zipper.
Four Walls And A Roof Make It A House. Love Makes It A Home.
Look, We’re Not Saying The Apple Was Asking For It, But When You Leave The House Without Your Peel And Flaunt Your Pulp For Any Grape, Plum Or Cherry That Comes Along, Somebody’s Gonna Get Juiced.
In The Hilarious Modern Remake Of “It’s A Wonderful Life,” Little Billy Gets To See What Life Would Be Like If He Had Never Been Born.
Were You Looking For An Honest Answer Or Did You Want Me To Tell You Something That Won’t Creep You Out?
“And This Is Where Jesus Likes To Set His Beer.”
The Answer Is “U”, For “Duck.” Jan Feels That The Comically Over-Sized Mallard Helps To Distract From The Big Swingin’ Meat-Sword She Has Hidden Under That Dress.*
While It Is Technically True That “A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words,” It’s A Mistake To Assume That They’re All DIFFERENT Words. For Example, This Photo Just Says “I Will Go To My Lonely Grave Without Ever Having Known The Pleasure Of A Woman’s Touch” 58.823 Times.
This Sign Proved A Mixed Blessing. On One Hand It Cruelly Mocked A Marginalized People And Reinforced Ignorant Stereotypes And Misapprehensions About Their Ancient Way Of Life. On The Plus Side, Since The Sign Remained In Place For Several Years, It Showed The World That There Are Some Things Even A Gypsy Won’t Steal.
“You Look Adorable In Your Mermaid Costume, Sweetie. But Something’s Missing–It Doesn’t Proclaim To The World That I’m An Inappropriate Creep And Ridiculously Ill-Suited To Be A Father…Hey, That’s It! I’ve Got Just The Thing. Here, Try These On!”
His Parents Have Tried Everything–Apple, Orange, Grape, Cranberry And Literally Every Product Ocean Spray Ever Made, But It’s No Use–That Kid Seems To Have A Pathological Hatred Of The Juice.
PAN DOWN!!!! PAN DOWN!!!!
I Camp Out In The Parking Lot On Most Nights To Get An Early Start In The Morning.
This One Practically Writes Itself, Which Is Good, Because Mocking This Wretch Would Be Like Stealing Lunch Money From A Down Syndrome Kid.
Help! I Caught My Landlord in a Compromising Position With His Dog. ~ And now I live rent-free.
Shooting victim left infant alone while she went to bar ~She felt that a bar was too dangerous an environment for her child, a wise decision in light of subsequent events. That’s called good parenting.
How not to say the wrong thing ~ By keeping your fucking mouth shut. Seriously, it works nearly 100% of the time.
Lost World War II Bomber Crew Found After 69 Years ~ Oh man, they are PISSED!
Target dress apology: ‘Manatee gray’ plus-size dress vanishes ~ Target has renamed the offensive style ‘Koala Gray,’ and will soon be stocking it alongside existing styles School-Bus Yellow, Behemoth Blue, the Limited Edition Black-on-White Lady Shamu™, and the best-selling Chok’lit Jabba.
Why Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Reviewer ~ That’s the working title for Connie Rubin’s new erotic memoir!
“That’s…NGH!…That’s One! Give Me More, Roger! Give…NGGGH!…Yes! Yes, That’s It! Two! Two Thumbs Up!”
Police look at nude maids ~ Well, ‘looking at’ is what they’re for, right? For housework, though, you’ll want to get yourself a fully clothed maid.
Idaho teacher who used word ‘vagina’ during biology lesson faces reprimand ~ If’n you want to talk about Vagina or even West Vagina in your geographology class, well that’s one thing. But biology class is for talkin’ about cooters and wangs.
Officials: 9-year-old mother is at least 12 ~ Why, that lying little whore!
Overeating in children may be linked to drug use ~ Specifically, drugs used to treat diabetes, hypertension and acne.
Woman who swims with Great White sharks ~ Will soon become their chum.
What FDR said about Jews in private ~ Like most everybody else, he thought they were lazy, physically-imposing brutes with no financial sense whatsoever.
Because Being A Really Lousy Bigot Is Just Like Not Being A Bigot At All.
‘Teen Mom’ Star Expecting Another Baby & It’s Not Especially Good News ~ Oh, really? Why do you say that?
Sheriff’s Office: Man died after being pulled over ~ ”I mean before! He died before he was pulled over. No wait–it was after, but…well, what the hell are we all doing sitting around flapping our jaws? A man’s been beaten to death and dumped in the back seat of a police cruiser–we need to be out there looking for the killers!”
Can Bad Parenting Cause ADHD ~ Well, bad parenting can produce lazy, inattentive children, so yes.
Report: ‘Happy Days’ star Erin Moran drinking in motel parking lots, offering back rubs ~ This week she’ll be at the Exit 10 Econo-Lodge on Old 99. If you want a little something special, ask for the “Chachi.”
5 Worst Mistakes Women Make in Bed ~ You know, like 80% of the time, the worst mistake is getting into bed in the first place.
The Aryans Are Coming ~ We’ve been here for a while now, bro. We’re just lying low and biding our time until another Reichstag Fire comes along.
SOON!
Why People Create Fake Relationships ~ So their pathetic, joyless lives appear slightly less pathetic and joyless. We thought that was obvious.
Safe sex does NOT diminish pleasure… ~ These words could only have been written by a woman or a lying man.
Watch your tongue, North Korea warns South’s new leader ~ “Or we’ll eat it! Seriously, we’re dealing with one heck of a food shortage right now, guys.”
A Labor Union Hopes Medical Marijuana Will Cure Its Ills ~ We bet it will. Weed fixes just about everything.
How Panda Express brings Chinese food to the mall ~ Inauthentically!
Should Obamacare Be Repealed? Vote in Urgent National Poll ~ If we can get enough people to vote, we can repeal Obamacare! Yes–that’s what we’d be saying if the United States were more like American Idol, and just any uninformed wingnut with a hair up his ass could vote directly on pending legislation. In fact, the United States is a republic, which means you may need to look up the term fait accompli right after you vote in this urgent national poll.
Never Forget That You’re An Integral Part Of The Political Process.
Parents Discover Daughter’s Death on Facebook ~ So you guys were pretty close, huh?
This Isn’t Candid Camera, It’s a Science Project ~ “So take your clothes off. No, really–it’s for science. And yes, me touching myself is all part of the experiment.”
Report: Man spent $1K on strippers, said he was robbed ~ There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation: he thought they were prostitutes.
Jason Gay: 23 Rules of the Office Holiday Party ~ Rule #1: Change that name, Jason.
Texas DA found dead 2 months after assistant slain ~ So we guess we can cross the assistant off the suspect list.
3 ways for Cardinal Dolan to show his ‘love’ for gay people ~ Sure–a few three-ways would send a bold message for gay tolerance, but is that sort of behavior in keeping with Catholic doctrine?
If Your Intention Was To Make Me Think Inappropriate Thoughts About The Former Pope, Then Mission Accomplished!
“Now Who Will Tell Me What To Think Of The Movies I Watch?”
The world has lost two very special people in recent days, both of whom made significant contributions to popular culture and the arts. There will be others who will follow in the trails these men blazed and perhaps forge paths of their own, leading us into mysterious lands yet undreamed. But never again will we see the likes of these two.
Shane Gandee: The cretinous reality TV yob is believed to have perished along with two other yokels of carbon monoxide poisoning.
His Corpse Was Discovered In A Twenty-Year-Old Pickup Partially Submerged In Mud, So You Know He Died Doing What He Loved, Y’All.
Roger Ebert: The beloved film critic and prosthetics enthusiast succumbed to a lengthy battle with cancer.
After Penning The Cult Oddity “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls,” Ebert Realized His Was Genius Lay Not In Creating Films, But In Telling People How To Feel About Films Other People Created.
Goodbye, dear friends, goodbye. The arts are poorer for your loss.
Also, for the sake of completeness, some dude from Africa, Chinua Achebe, kicked off a couple of weeks ago. No, we hadn’t heard of him either–he wrote a book or something.
Well, Sure–He May Have Been The Greatest Literary Voice In The History Of An Entire Continent, But Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Critic In The Whole World.
Norman Rockwell Never Could Have Known We’d Still Be Fighting This War Generations Later.
You probably know by now that my hapless college friend Steve frequently found himself on the receiving end of innumerable pranks and other instances of only partially deserved churlishness. There were many times, however, when his particularly high-strung temperament actually fanned the flames of his torment, mountanizing an incident that people lacking his unique set of problems would consider little more than a molehill. One such episode I’ve come to think of as the “Dewey Affair.”
This was back during my decidedly hazy first senior year of college. I was hanging at my place with Steve and three other friends. Someone cracked a joke that I no longer remember, and I said in response, “That hasn’t been funny since Thomas Dewey was president.” It was meant as a joke–a pretty nerdy one–and not something to be taken seriously, and everybody took my meaning. Everybody, that is, except Steve.
“Thomas Dewey was never president,” he said, looking at me seriously, and managing to sound a little condescending.
Something very strange and primal happens to me at these moments, a sort of psychic whiff of blood in the water, a wickedly perverse desire to argue not for reason but for its own sake. I’ve given this aspect of my nature a good deal of thought over the years, and the most helpful comparison I can draw is that it is akin to the sudden compulsion of a heretofore sleepy dog to chase after a boy who runs from it. In about the span of a heartbeat, a notion which had never before crossed my mind becomes a game plan.
It Happens Before I Even Realize It.
“Well, sure he was, Steve,” I said, surprising even myself with the ease and conviction of my reply. “You’ve seen that headline, DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN?
SEE? You Should Pay Better Attention To History.
“That was a mistake,” Steve said.
“A mistake?” I laughed and looked at the other guys in the room. “Steve, that picture is famous. It wouldn’t be famous if it were a mistake now would it?” Some of the other guys laughed at this, God bless ‘em.
Steve was beginning to get upset. His mouth worked for a moment as he searched for something to say, but could only manage, “Dewey was never president.”
“C’mon, Steve–I’m a history major,” I said. “My emphasis is on American history in the 20th Century. Don’t you think I’d know who was president?”
Call Me A Bigot If You Like, But It’ll Be A Cold Day In Hell Before I Vote For A Duck. You Know They’re Just After Our Women.
“Thomas Dewey was never president.” Steve was turning red now. Like a moth drawn to a flame, Steve seemed eager to assist in his own undoing.
“Well, then who pushed through the Johnson-Ready Bill?” I asked, ignoring the uncomfortable facts that not only are bills put forward by the legislative branch rather than the executive, but that furthermore, to the best of my knowledge no such bill existed.
“That was Eisenhower!” he said, nearly screaming now. “Look,” he said, jabbing a finger at me, “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks that Thomas Dewey was never president.”
“Fight Your Own Battles, Son.”
“You’re on,” I said, and Steve stormed off to his place to secure $100 worth of proof. He lived close by, and was back within moments, barging in bearing an open text-book in one hand, and stabbing at me wildly with the other as he spoke.
“See? Thomas Dewey was never president!” he said, his aggressive index finger now turning its wrath against the book, striking a single point in the middle of the open page with a staccato THOK-THOK-THOK!
I didn’t say anything, and Steve looked up from the book to find me looking at him quizzically, not bothering to look at the information on the page.
He said again, a little more hesitantly, “Thomas Dewey was never president.”
“Well, of course he wasn’t, Steve. Who put that idea in your head?”
He stood there open-mouthed for a moment. “You said…you said that Thomas Dewey had been president.”
“Don’t Recognize Me? I Was Very Nearly The Leader Of The Free World.”
I laughed. “That’s ridiculous. I said no such thing.”
Suddenly, all the impotent heat was back, as if it had never left him. “You did!” he said.
I shook my head slowly, and what I hoped was pityingly.
Steve seemed to expand with fury. “He did!” he said, turning now to the other guys in the room. “You heard him! He said that Thomas Dewey was president.”
“No he didn’t,” said the first guy.
The second: “I didn’t hear that.”
“Leave me out of this,” said the third dude.
Completely ablaze now, shaking and nearly in tears, Steve turned to me again and accused, “You said Dewey had been president!”
Steve Isn’t The Kind Of Guy To Ever “Look Back On This Someday And Laugh.”
Then I said the thing that really did it, the thing that made Steve stop speaking to me and the other guys in the room for almost thirty-six hours, which was a small eternity for him. I think what made it so delicious was that I said it with a straight face, glacier-like patience and with such a genuine sense of puzzlement that poor Steve’s conscious brain just seemed to break down and give itself over entirely to full-on “nucking futs” mode.
When he accused me (rightly) that final time of propounding a president who never was, I told him, “Steve, I’m a history major with an emphasis on 20th Century US history. Why would I make an asinine claim like that?”
A colossal slamming of doors announced his exit, and then only slightly more softly, his arrival at his own place not far way. Although he would eventually cool off a little over a day later, we kept our distance from him that evening, as for about the next hour the night was filled with the sound of Steve screaming and breaking things.
“Steve, Try Not To Take Things So Seriously, Man.”
