The Saddest Girl I Ever Knew

By Tardsie

I Don’t Normally Go For Broken Girls, But Heather Was A Special Kind Of Broken.

I met a girl named Heather once at a party many years ago, back when I was single.  High summer had come to Western Washington: long, pleasant days  finally ushered into night by an extended twilight. Barbecuing weather. The perfect day for a house party.

Heather was a friend of a friend, and she was lovely.  She was brainy and self-assured, funny in that easy way that wasn’t practiced, but was as much a natural component of her makeup as were her eyes, nose, lips or breasts. And she was cool, having mastered the delicate feat of managing to remain feminine while at the same time laughing at crude jokes and dropping the occasional F-Bomb.

I am not one of those guys for whom women go nuts at first sight. I guess I’ve been lucky in love, but all my serious relationships have been with women whom I’d known for a while before we started dating, ladies who were slow to recognize that they were already madly in love with me. Like arsenic, my appeal works stealthily over time, growing in secret until it overwhelms the system’s natural defenses, and the victim ultimately succumbs.  But this time, maybe, I got lucky–Heather seemed as into me as I was her–an assessment, I hasten to add, made before alcohol clouded my judgement, rendering all such judgments moot.

Some People Call Me The Rat-Killer Of Love.

We both made our individual rounds at the party, but it was never long before we’d find ourselves together again. Being tipsy only seemed to accentuate Heather’s wit and to embolden this already-bold girl. She was knocking the drinks back pretty fast, but so were a lot of people.

Heather grew increasingly hammered as the evening wore on. At 9:30 she was a funny drunk, flirtatious and playfully argumentative. But by the time 11:30 rolled around, she was a mess–an incoherent, apologetic, stumbling grotesquery. Where she had earlier been outgoing and vivacious, now she was quiet and uncertain, confused. Once, she slipped while descending a short, carpeted staircase, picking herself up at the bottom with a shaky little laugh that had nothing of mirth in it whatsoever.

Heather’s friends seemed to find this behavior funny, and when Heather shattered a beer bottle on the back patio a little after midnight, the ensuing beat of silence was followed closely by raucous laughter. “There goes Heather!” somebody said to more laughs.

I’m Afraid The Appeal Is Lost On Me.

“She’s like this every weekend,” my friend told me, explaining that, during the week, Heather worked a 9 to 5 job which helped to keep her behavior in check, but she really let loose on the weekends. She would spend her Friday and Saturday evenings bombed into incoherence.  She suffered through Saturday and Sunday afternoons semi-comatose on her couch, the curtains drawn against the sun’s rays, and against the pain and nausea they brought.

As people made their goodbyes and the party thinned out, the predators began to circle around Heather, drawn to the scent of compromised vulnerability which was coming off her in waves. She was almost the last girl at the party.

One of the vultures, a guy I knew by face, was particularly determined. He’d moved into Heather’s orbit in the hour before the party wound down, halfheartedly attempting clumsy conversational overtures that often as not degenerated into innuendo, all the while moving steadily closer to Heather, his intentions naked on his face. Finally, he was behind her, rubbing her shoulders and murmuring banalities in her ear. He was nervous and twitchy; he smiled too much and he smiled wrong, as if worried some other predator might steal “his” kill out from under him.

True Story: I Ran Into The Creepy Guy Again A Few Years Later. He Tried To Get Me To Invest In A Multi-Level Marketing Scheme.

Abruptly, Heather turned to me and said, “Take me home.” Her face was plaintive; her eyes huge and terrified.

“Okay,” I said, “I can do that.”

The creep’s fingers froze and slowly retracted from their perch on either side of Heather’s neck. His face wore a look of thwarted, impotent shock that made it clear he had misunderstood what Heather wanted of me.  She wasn’t asking me to take her home so that I could have sex with her; she just wanted to go home.

Even with her diminished capacity, Heather must have been aware to some degree of the risks involved in placing her safety in the hands of a man she’d only that day met, and how quickly that situation could spiral beyond her control. Apparently, she thought her chances alone in a car with me were better than if she stayed here with her friends, enjoying the attentions of the creep. I flatter myself that Heather chose the way she did because the spark between us I had imagined earlier in the evening when we were both sober had been very real, and that the events of that years-ago evening are properly filed among life’s many great “if only” moments.

In the end, the thing that I’d wanted more than anything just six or seven hours earlier came to pass–I got to take Heather home.  She gave me her phone number before she got out of the car, and said I should call her some time. I told her I would, wishing I could stop the lie even as it came tumbling from my lips.

Not This Time.

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Posted in Culture, Philosophy, True-Ass Tales | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

Christmas vs. The Family

By Smaktakula

Some songs enrich our lives; others shatter them.

Because Some Things Just Aren’t Funny.

Posted in Culture, Religion, Stupidity | Tagged , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Headlines: Is There A Moose Under There?

By Smaktakula

Be On The Lookout For This Adorable Sex Criminal. His Most Frequent Tactic Is To Leave A Chew-Toy In Plain Sight On The Sidewalk. Victims Foolish Enough To Bend Over To Pick Up The Toy Told Police That By The Time They Understood What Was Happening, It Was Already Too Late.

In which we roll around in a great big pile of our own ignorance.

***

16 Grossest Things Parents Do for Their Kids ~ Bird parents puke down their kids’ throats. Try topping that.

In the mood for love? Signs that point to ‘yes’ ~ An erection, obviously.

This Couple Is Angry About Expecting Twins. Hear Them Out. ~ No, we’re with you. It’s almost as if God hates you, huh?

Deaf NY Starbucks Patrons Sue, Say They’re Mocked ~ Yeah, but how do they know, really?

Little Boy Makes Friends With Pope Francis ~ Ah. Little boys and priests, what could be sweeter than…wait just a damn minute!

Adding A Funny Caption Would Only Sully The Beauty Of This Moment.

‘I Thought I Was Ready To Lose My Virginity’ Alas, being a virgin is a lot like being a hemophiliac: one prick and it’s all over.

Which ‘Housewife’ Is Worth $10K? ~ Studies show that the labor of the average homemaker is worth something like $120K annually. So the housewife worth $10K is a really shitty one.

How Not to Be Alone ~ Try to be a little less sucky.

Waitress Who Received Offensive Note Instead Of Tip Makes Awesome Move ~ She chalked it up to “people being assholes” and went on with her life? That would be awesome.

Tadeusz Mazowiecki, Polish prime minister, dies at 86 ~ Turns out he choked to death on one of the superfluous consonants in his name.

Seriously, You Could Put An Eye Out With That!

Analysis: Why Putin is backing Assad’s blood-soaked Syrian regime ~ Because Vladimir Putin is a creature of pure evil. This one’s not a joke, folks.

Gay NBA Player’s Hot Girlfriend ~ Wait…What?

Not Your Grandmother’s Skin Care? I sure hope not. Whatever Grandma’s been using has shriveled her up like a prune.

13 Things Your Bartender Won’t Tell You #8 “I think you’ve had enough, sir.”

WATCH: Newborn twins can’t stop hugging each other ~ Heh. That’s so gay.

Get A Room, Fellas.

Texas Plant’s Hazards Eluded Regulators For Nearly 30 Years ‘Eluded?’ That’s a mighty fancy word for “ignored by.”

The sexiest film ever? ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ ignites passions ~ Well, V from Lame Adventures saw it with her buddy Milton and they both agreed it was just about the best darn movie ever made.

Moose die-off: 100,000 ticks on just one moose, is Lyme disease culprit? ~ Have you considered death by blood loss?

‘Chaplin: The Musical’ — The Little Tramp Makes It to the Great White Way ~ It’s from the brilliant minds behind such Broadway hits as Marcel Marceau: The Rock Opera and Helen Keller: In Her Own Words.

Why I never cheer while attending pro sporting events ~ ‘Cause I’m a joyless dick.

“Also, There Is No Santa Claus, Social Security Will Be Insolvent By The Time You’re Old Enough To Collect On It, And You Will Never Find True Love.”

Woman, 86, dies after running marathon ~ If you’ll consult the morbidity tables, we think you’ll find that statistically speaking she was every bit as likely to die after watching reruns of Murder She Wrote.

Talking feelings isn’t something Peyton Manning enjoys ~ Well, duh. Guess you saw the name ‘Peyton’ and thought he was a chick.

You’re a Gay Couple. Now What Do You Do? ~ I dunno, go to the movies or something. It’s not all that complicated.

The Alleged Rapist With a Possibly Inappropriate Nickname He assaults AND demeans–a true double-threat!

Arkansas Man Wakes Up To Find Dog Ate His Testicle ~ We were going to make an Arkansas joke, but it’s just so sad how those people live.¹

Some Of Smaktakula’s Ancestors Found Themselves In Arkansas Shortly After Arriving In America. They Got The Hell Out, Of Course.

My partner is sending naked photos of herself to another man Then she’s not really you’re partner, now is she?

War, What Is It Good For? ~HUH! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Well, that’s what you’re supposed to say, but war is actually good for a lot of things, such as the acquisition of new territory and resources, expanding a nation’s sphere of influence and as a means of population control.

Warning men about “gray rape” ~ Keep it under 55, scumbags!

Chris Farley’s friends remember: “His greatest love was the act of laughter itself” ~ Cocaine was a pretty strong second, though, followed closely by whores.

Don’t White People Kill Each Other, Too? ~ Yes, but only as a last resort.

However, Virtually All The Blood-Crazy, Spleen-Eating Whack-Jobs Notorious Enough To Get Their Own Lifetime Specials Are White Dudes.

***

¹Much love, CB! ∞ T.
Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, Religion, Sport, Stupidity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Worst. Party. Ever.

By Tardsie

In which are discussed tolerance, theft and weed abatement.

Of course this post is not safe for work. It contains lots of salty language and one particularly offensive word (not used gratuitously).

Enjoy!

Posted in Stupidity, True-Ass Tales | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Kennedy’s Death: The Lingering Question

By Smaktakula

It’s been 50 years since that portentous Dallas day on which the dream of Camelot was terribly, irrevocably shattered. The ensuing half-century should have been a time for healing and succor. Instead, Kennedy’s memory is further dragged through the mud for each day that his killer is allowed not only to walk free, but to prosper.

When will Tommy Lee Jones be made to pay for his crimes?

And You People Gave Him The Oscar.

Posted in History | Tagged , , , , , , ,

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–”the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

On Pity

By Tardsie

Save Your Pity For Some Other Fool.

Nothing feels worse against my skin than your pity. I hate hate hate to be pitied. There are some folks who seem to get off on being pathetic, whose lives are an interminable epic of abject failure and unspeakable woe, who just can’t ever seem to catch a break. Save your pity for them.

And Of Course, It’s BYOB.

The one very notable exception to this is if I’m ill. If afflicted with anything more serious than the sniffles, then I’m gonna need you to tear your attention away from whatever it is that seems so damn important to you right now and try to focus for just a moment on what I’m enduring with such stoic bravery. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I Feel You Guys. I Can’t Eat ANYTHING With This Sore Throat, And I Am Hella Famished! Also, The Soup Is Too Hot.

Posted in Culture, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , | 7 Comments