On which inebriated Americans from all walks of life honor the nation’s birth with a variety of beloved and time-honored traditions, from bedside vigils in any of America’s many first-rate burn wards to the age old-custom of commemorating those bygone freedom-fighters by sacrificing several fingers in the memory of their valiant struggle.
Kids, take it from someone who knows: the improper use of fireworks can REALLY fuck up your day. Have a super July 4th, everyone! ∞ T.
1776, all men are created equal, Declaration of Independence, Founding Fathers, Great Britain, Independence Day, John Hancock, July 2nd, July 4th, King George III, liberty, Liberty Hall, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Redcoats, taxation without representation, this day in history, Thomas Jefferson, United States of America
On which the Founding Fathers tell the tyrant King George III what he can do with his onerous taxes and hated Redcoats.
1914, Archduke, Austria, Austro-Hungarian Empire, backwater shithole, Balkans, death by gun, Dulce Et Decorum Est, famous Austrians, First World War, Franz Ferdinand, Gavrilo Princip, June 28, places that suck, Sarajevo, smooth move Ex-Lax, The War To End All Wars, this day in history, Wilfred Owen, WWI
On which, in an unlikely Balkan backwater, a Serbian crazyman formally inaugurates the 20th Century with a bang.
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.
Wilfred Owen (1893-1918)
Americans, Battle of Puebla, brought to you by Corona, don't know much about history, Grito de Dolores, Hallmark Holidays, historical ignorance, Mexican Independence Day, Mexico, September 16h, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, this day in history, Waterloo
On which the Mexican Army defeats French forces at the Battle of Puebla, giving future generations of historically-ignorant Americans an opportunity to party in celebration of Mexican Independence.
1970, Cambodia, David Crosby, Graham Nash, Kent State, Kent State Massacre, massacre, May 4th, Neil Young, Ohio, Ohio National Guard, protesters, Richard M. Nixon, Stephen Stills, this day in history, Vietnam Conflict
On which the simmering combination of angry anti-war protesters and nervous Ohio National Guardsmen reaches a violent boil, inspiring a great Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song.
Four dead in O-Hi-O. ∞T.
On which, with the help of British Redcoats who wish to seize a cache of gunpowder, the nascent nation of America invents the bumper-sticker slogan, “You’ll Take My Gun When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands.”