ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth
In which we talk a lot of shit.
15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!
Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?
The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”
What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.
What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”
‘Tits McGee': Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass. However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.
My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?
HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.
Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.
Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”
NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.
Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!
Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”
Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.
What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”
Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.
Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.
How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”
Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.
Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.
Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.
Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.
Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.
Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.
What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?
Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.
African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”
Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.
Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.
“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.
Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming
In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.
Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!
What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.
The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?
Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!
Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.
What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.
Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”
Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.
Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.
Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.
Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.
Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!
Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.
It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….
Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.
Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.
Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.
Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.
Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.
Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”
Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’
Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.
Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.
Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.
Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.
Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.
’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”
Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.
On which the Japanese imitation of American culture and technology reaches its zenith, when the Japanese government, eager to benefit from Western knowledge, sets off a chain of events which results in its learning a very big lesson.
Adolf Hitler, Barack Obama, death by not voting, democracy, democratic republic, Diddy, Hulk Hogan, ignorance--it's what America does!, Mitt Romney, Paris Hilton, Pauly Shore, Rick Santorum, stupid people, stupid voters, United States of America, Vote or Die!, Why am I so stupid?
With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.
Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude, ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’ Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.
But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation. And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.
¹In fact it is not. The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic. We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.
2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 World Series, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, comic books, death by hurricane, death by shark, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, dolphins, fat people, FDR, Geneva, great white shark, headlines, hurricanes, ignorance--it's what we do, Jersey Shore, Joe Biden, left-handed people, Louisiana, Meat Loaf, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, New Jersey, North Korea, polio, retarded, San Francisco Giants, Sandy, slut-shaming, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Switzerland, teachers, unfortunate ways to die, white people, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father
In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.
We lose interest after the headlines.
Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss. ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.
Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”
Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.
Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!
Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.
Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.
Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’
Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.
Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”
Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’
Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”
The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”
Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?
What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.
Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.
Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹
Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal fireworks?
Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?
Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.
6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.
Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”
North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.
Video games can fight obesity? ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.
Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.
In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.
Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.
‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.
VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.
Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.
7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.
Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.
¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.
...you never go back, Afghanistan, Al Gore, Al Gore is the political Art Garfunkel, Alzheimer's, Arabs, Barack Obama, beauty pageant, Bush Doctrine, Chelsea Clinton, China, deaf people, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, Egypt, Gloria Allred, grass, headlines, hemp, hippies, Honey Boo Boo, Hosni Mubarak, illegal aliens, Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Marines, MILFs, Mom, Paul Ryan, pot, reefer, Rihanna, seriously--hippies are odious, Somali pirates, Somalia, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so stupid?
In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles
9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.
Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.
Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.
A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.
Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?
Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion?
Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.
Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.
Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.
Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’
Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.
How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.
Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.
Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.
Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.
Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”
Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.
Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.
T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?
Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.
Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…
Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.
Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.
Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.
Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?
LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.
Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!
5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!
"Junior", ADHD, America--Fuck Yeah!, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, bullies, Captain Underpants, congress, cyber-bullying, drugs, Europe, headlines, heroin, illiteracy is not funny!, imaginary racism, Islam, Josef Stalin, kiddie porn, Louisville, models, Mt. Everest, Occupy, racism, sex tape, tigers, UN, United Nations, United States of America, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?
In which we opine on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the stories. It’s well-known that most news stories are written at no less than a sixth-grade level, and folks–we don’t read too good.
Racism could sway the election ~ Because–God knows–the first Western country to elect a black man as president just HAS to be a bigot’s paradise.
A day in the life of a New York Fashion Week model ~ Smoke cigarette. Breakfast: 2 Rye-Crisp crackers & Ex-Lax. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Smoke some heroin. Nod out. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Repeat.
Does Louisville Need More Highways? ~ Does Louisville even have paved roads?
How Everest dream ended in tragedy ~ You know, it seems like an awful lot of them end that way. Maybe try a smaller mountain.
UN observers investigate reported Syria massacre ~ Their findings? “Somebody should do something about that.”
Why Parents (and Teachers) Should Embrace Captain Underpants ~ So they can hold that wily fucker down until the cops arrive. Even one more child is one child too many.
Will the Occupy movement dissolve Spain’s parliament? ~ We wouldn’t put a lot of money on it. ‘Accomplishing stuff’ really wasn’t Occupy’s thing, you know?
Protests are as mindless as anti-Islam film ~ Right? Sure, the film hurt feelings, but those protests cost people their lives, so they’re equally bad!
What to Do If Your Child Is the Victim of Cyberbullying ~ Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends.
Europeans would re-elect Obama in a landslide: poll ~Gosh. It sure is hard to discount the political wisdom of the folks who within living memory happily put into office a dude so thoroughly heinous that he remains to this day the benchmark for bloodthirsty, mass-murdering madmen.
The most important conversation you’ll ever have ~ Won’t be with the assbag sitting next to you on a long flight. But you already knew that.
Deciding When a Pet Has Suffered Enough ~ Mr. Mittens made the decision to shit on the carpet; we’ll decide when Mr. Mittens has suffered enough.
Anti-Islam Filmmaker Who Provoked Attacks Used Pseudonym ~ Wouldn’t you? Man, if there were such a thing as a prosthetic name, we’d be telling this guy to go right out and buy one.
Model Teacher Accused Of Sex With Student ~ AND she’s a model? Kid, you hit the fucking jackpot!
10 Medical Conditions Misdiagnosed as ADHD ~ Is “retardedness” a medical condition?
Schwarzenegger: Affair ‘stupidest thing’ he did while married ~ Are you sure the stupidest thing you did wasn’t starring in that movie ‘Junior?’ Because, seriously–that’s got to be right up there.
Class Reunion Letter Lists ‘White Graduates Only’ Party ~ We’re pretty sure that even had the school’s black alumni been invited to the party, most of them probably would have declined, as many no doubt live about 1,000,000 miles from that shithole, and moreover, will likely only be induced to return on the day that the devil sees his breath while standing on his own front porch.
A Terrifying Way to Discipline Children ~ Is acceptable if it gets the job done.
Teenagers Say Parents Text and Drive ~ Yeah, but how seriously can you take what they say? Teenagers can’t even be trusted to tell you where they were last night.
Exercising Won’t Help Overweight Children Shed Pounds: Study ~ Okay, first of all, bullshit. Secondly, please don’t tell them–it tickles us so to watch the fatties run.
No bowing necessary for Americans ~ And all it cost us was two atom bombs.
Confronted about child porn, man shoots two deputies ~ They should have figured he’d be a little sensitive about that.
Will Starving Yourself Help You Live Longer? ~ As much as bleeding a lot will.
At Estée Lauder, a Brand Is Developed Just for China ~ It’s called “Estée Rauder.”
Woman Sues Ex Over Trove of Secret Tapes ~ Despite what the headline says, we’re inclined to believe that the woman’s lawsuit against her ex concerns a trove of very public tapes.
Man Mauled in Bronx Zoo Tiger Den ~ Both parties got their just desserts.
acceptable racism, Andrea Dworkin, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people, blond people are stupid, blondes, Daniel Craig, double standards, Ellen DeGeneres, hypocrisy, racism, Why am I so stupid?, Why are blondes so stupid?
Q: Why Do Blondes Always Honk The Horn Three Times Before They Start Their Cars?
A: It Doesn’t Really Matter. The Joke Is Just A Vehicle To Get Across Our Point That Blond People Are Stupid And Slutty.
The myriad intricacies of the English language allow for a kind of magic. We’ll demonstrate this through the following verbal feat, in which by the addition of a single adjective, we’ll transform a conversation-killing question into a social icebreaker.
Don’t pop this question when you’re standing around the water cooler:
“Why is my dog smarter than a woman?”
Try this one instead:
“Why is my dog smarter than a blond woman?”
Have you ever noticed how you can tell blonde jokes in any kind of company, but the moment you even suggest that blond-haired, blue-eyed people are examples of genetic perfection, the party suddenly goes quiet? Man, that is awkward.