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By Smaktakula

The black and kitten skull-encrusted heart of crazy bitch Anne Heche is still beating.  The untalented shrew is best remembered for her lackluster portrayal of a lesbian in 1997-2000’s The Regrettable Saga of The Likeable but Pathetically Deluded Ellen DeGeneres and the Bloated Tapeworm Living In Her Belly.

Nutty Broad Anne Celeste Heche, 1969-?:"My Flaccid Career Could Sure Use A Boost. I Wonder Why Ellen Won't Return My Calls?"

Unlike the nasty parasite whose career she supported for almost three years, Ellen hasn’t fared too poorly.  She may have lost her spot on the cultural and intellectual nadir American Idol, but she not only convinced the former Portia de Rossi to marry her, but also to take her name.  Ellen’s the man.

Portia de Rossi Pictures

Oh, Right.

Ms. Portia DeGeneres: Just so you’re aware–When viewed in a certain light, Smaktakula vaguely resembles Ellen DeGeneres, only taller and much, much funnier.