Tags
common usage, creepy old virgins, English Language, English teachers, non-antiquated words, ponces, Queen Elizabeth II, shall, shan't, the dodo, verbs, words to stop using
By Smaktakula
Although the poncey contraction shan’t has long since gone the way of the dodo, its equally-insufferable positive counterpart shall still clings tenaciously to the underbelly of common usage.
It’s time to let shall die.
Shall has been a loyal servant of the English language for centuries, and the intransitive verb’s flexibility has been, along with spinster 8th grade English teachers, the secret to its staying power.
But for every usage of shall, a non-antiquated verb substitutes nicely: should, will, are and must are but a few. Keeping this useless verb on hand for nostalgia’s sake only perpetuates the degradation of shall’s once-proud legacy.
Your Tax Money Keeps This Word Alive.
But shant is still used in England. Damn British.. . F’n up our wordses.
AND they gave us David Beckham.
I shall never use the word shall again
I shan’t give up my pompous phraseology—no I shan’t! We are not amused.
My dear sir,
In corresponding with you, I will endeavor to use a vernacular more suited to your refined ear. Although the clarion call of nostalgia can bind us tightly to the terms we employ through force of habit, eschewing the tyranny of verbal antiquity can be a tonic for the soul.
It is easy to lament the dying of an age, clinging fastidiously to the familiar. But with the benumbing effects of inexorable time, you will come to look upon contemporary language with greater favor.
And you are so amused.
In light of your dexterous defense of the shunning of sesquipedalianism, I hereby—posthaste, and in perpetuity—retract my objection, and will forthwith attempt to converse in the parlance of our times, to the point of ending my sentences with “and shit,” and shit.
I shall hound you til the end of my days for casting aspersions upon such a useful, nay, neccessary word to the English language. Consider yourself cursed.
Sadly, shall is about as necessary as the human appendix. All of humanity will eventually come around, and then Promethean Times will be forgiven.