Tags
Afghanistan, alcohol abuse, American Civil War, Big Bang Theory, Bitcoin, Cal Poly, Chicago, death by automobile, death by Ebola, drinking games, Ebola, fraternities, Glee, grammar nerd, gut wounds, Illinois, Italian Stereotypes, Jewish people, Justin Bieber, keggers, lesbians, Maury Povich, Michael Jackson, pederasts, poor people, rich people, Samurai swords, San Luis Obispo, shopping sucks, Smaktakula's abiding love for his own voice, Superman, tritransitive verbs
By Smaktakula
The Real Question Isn’t Why We Don’t Bother To Read The Articles, But Rather, Why Everyone Else DOES?
In which, armed with nothing more than a severely attenuated attention span and an ignorance both boundless and sublime, we respond to the news headlines of the day without bothering to first read the articles.
***
Puppy survives after being locked in car for almost a month ~ And he’ll no doubt think twice next time before chewing Daddy’s new putter.
Will my wife learn to love her vibrator more than me? ~ Totally. Dude, you’re fucked. Not literally, obviously.
Do American Jews Live in a Cocoon? ~ How is it fair that you get away with saying a thing like that? That time when Smaktakula said that Jewish people were terrifying moth-like creatures, HE lost his job!
Good advice on dying more slowly ~Try for a gut wound. It’ll take you all day to die.
Superman took my virginity ~ Is but one of the many titillating revelations to be found in the pages of the forthcoming memoir, “I Was A Teenage Robin.”
“More Powerful Than A Locomotive.” Just What The Hell Did You THINK Would Happen?
Did Your School Make This Exclusive List? ~ You know it didn’t, and I don’t think it’s very nice the way you keep asking.
Why is math easier for some kids than for others? ~ Because some kids are Asian.
Italian family buries mother they said was still alive ~ “She was…eh…how you say?…a beech.”
What Can Bitcoin Buy? No More Heroin, but Baklava and a Dinner Date ~ Yeah, well we can buy that stuff with grown-up money, thank you very much.
Funeral director says Chicago gun violence destroying city ~ “Which is why I moved my gigantic mansion to the suburbs. So sad.”
Each Man Must Blaze His Own Trail Through The Forests Of Grief.
Puppy stolen at San Luis Obispo adoption event ~ We’d call that an undocumented adoption.
Killing a Patient to Save His Life ~ Is a notion that’s absurd on its very face.
It’s OK to Like ‘The Big Bang Theory’ ~ Look, simply saying a thing doesn’t make it true.
Poll: Did you ignore the experts’ advice on when to feed a baby solid food? ~ There are people who are willing to give you advice on that kind of thing?
CNN Poll: Afghanistan Least-Popular War in US History ~ Really? And not the American Civil War? ‘Cause in that one, literally everyone who died was one of our boys.
And Every One Of Them A Good Guy (As It Were).
Why You Hate The Sound Of Your Own Voice ~ It’s like you don’t even know me.
Has ‘Glee’ Officially Taken It Too Far? ~ Oh, please. Okay, first of all, for something to be declared “official”, some sort of governing body must exist with the authority to make pronouncements regarding how far “it” has been taken. Moreover, in the ridiculously unlikely event that a network television show did somehow manage to find itself “taking it too far”, it’s a pretty safe bet that show wouldn’t be a cloying time-killer aimed at campy gay dudes and lonely spinsters.
Man Returns from Prison to Find Dead Wife’s Mummified Remains ~ Right where he left them.
Man jumps to his death rather than continue shopping with his girlfriend ~ We’ve all been there, buddy.
Cal Poly proposal would ban kegs, drinking games at Greek parties ~ Hell, you might as well just got to a community college then.
You Know Who Owes Their Very Existence To The Fact That College Kids Once Hosted Keggers And Played Drinking Games?–My Children.
Samurai Sword-Wielding Lesbian Murders Woman With Her Car ~ Why does it matter that a) she’s a lesbian, and b) that she was wielding a Samurai-sword, since it was a car she killed the other chick with?
Does Any Language Have Tritransitive Verbs? ~ I’m kind of a grammar nerd, but even I want to shove your head into a toilet right now.
Jermaine Jackson — Michael Jackson Would’ve Set Justin Bieber Straight ~ By which he means that his brother would have molested a preteen Justin Bieber.
Where Did Ebola Come From? Likely One Person, Gene Study Finds ~ Well, that dude’s a dick, then!
Is sex only for rich people? ~ If that really were true, do you think there would still be so many poor people running around all over the place?
And If The Countless Hours Spent Watching Maury Povich Have Taught Us Anything, It’s That Poor People Seem To Enjoy Doin’ The Nasty.
Promethean Times 
I got nothing..stil working on my coffee but I thought I’d say hello and thanks for the giggles this morning
Good morning! I’m always happy to amuse.
These aren’t ripped from the headlines, so much as roughly gouged, leaving bloody, jagged holes in the headines.
God bless the free press!
That’s awesome, Guap! I think I’ll use that in the future: “Gouged from the headlines of the day…”
“Samurai Sword-Wielding Lesbian Murders Woman With Her Car”—Wow. I didn’t click the link, but that headline alone suggests a clever journalist…
I think it’s sweet that you’d call a person who wrote a story like that “a journalist.”
Ha, perhaps I should have checked the article before being so generous.
I didn’t read it either. I take the purity of my ignorance very seriously. However, the fact that the writer (or more likely, his/her editor) felt the need to use the word “lesbian” in the headline when it wasn’t pertinent to the story lets me know that this probably isn’t Pulitzer-level journalism.
Agreed.
Mummified wives, Lesbians with Samurai swords, gun violence and superheroes. Sounds like the dream movie script if George Romero and Quentin Tarantino ever got together.
Thanks, Bill. And you know, I’d SEE that movie. I wonder if it would be a winning blend (ala chocolate & peanut-butter) or a “Garfunkel & Oates” type travesty?
I read both puppy stories because I’m a sap for puppies, as well as the one about the samurai sword wielding lesbian, only to make sure this wasn’t anyone I’ve ever dated. Big sigh of relief there!
If one of your exes had been the sword-wielding autocide, I can only imagine the kick-ass nickname she’d get on LA. I’m thinking “Bushida” (from the ancient Samurai code of “Bushido”) or “RoLynn” (from “Ronin.”)
Or maybe just Samurai Sue.
Hey Smak, Noticed the following headline this morning (actually from a few months ago) in the local Greenville newspaper, and immediately thought of you. You’re welcome:
“Upstate attorney found acting strangely, eating chicken.”
http://www.foxcarolina.com/story/27696884/hp-attorney-found-acting-strangely-eating-chicken
This is always a fun-sad read for me. Under the Sex is for Rich–I did hear in real, true life that the reason a young girl thought she was safe was because they were standing up. Another two: “But he had already gotten his other girlfriend pregnant.” “But I used soda pop right after!”
I can’t believe people still believe the thing about soda (I heard it had to be Coca-Cola) or about doing it standing up. I joke a lot about ignorance, but at times it seems the world suffers from a surfeit of it.
I know what you mean when you say “fun-sad” read. To some degree I feel that way when I write them. Humor (or attempted humor) can sometimes be a way to bring light to uncomfortable topics. And sometimes, it lets you express a sentiment about something toward which you are conflicted or have ambivalent feelings.
Thanks as always for reading and for the trenchant comments.
Oh, how I’ve missed these. 🙂
Also, if only the rich can have sex, why do the rich always scream, “Fuck the poor!”?