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Category Archives: History

My Friend Joey Park, Part III

23 Thursday Jul 2015

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Philosophy, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

all scientists are black belts, Asians, beloved friends, college, cowardice, douchebaggery, foreign kid, friendship, fun with foreigners, hillarifying, Joey Park, Ricky Ricardo, South Korea, ugly Americans, well-deserved beatings, why am I so loutish?

By Tardsie

In which I avoid the beating I so richly deserve.

 

And if you haven’t already checked out Part I and Part II, you should. I think I come off looking like a pretty cool guy.

hqdefault

The Image Seen Here Has No Relevance Whatsoever To This Post.

***

***

Joey Thumbs

Look, If He Hasn’t Killed Me Yet, He’s Probably Not Going To.

Dedicated with love to my brother “Joey Park.” I’m a richer man just for having known you, and obviously, I appreciate you not handing me my own ass that one time. We are forever Feds. ∞ T.

Joey Rocks

 

My Friend Joey Park, Part II

22 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Philosophy, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

cultural understanding, Dennys, Feds, fun with foreigners, fun with stereotypes, homosexuality, Joey Park, racism, South Korea, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales

By Tardsie

In which we strive for greater cross-cultural understanding.

Disclaimer: This video contains a slur, uttered without any venom. It also contains several words from a foreign language depicted as meaning something other than what they actually do, and that’s probably racist. You’ve been warned.

If you haven’t already, check out Part I.

 

***

RK & Joey

Yeah, Maybe Joey Knew EXACTLY What He Was Saying…

 

My Friend Joey Park, Part I

21 Tuesday Jul 2015

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Philosophy, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

college, English, exchange students, foreign kid, fun with foreigners, Joey Park, South Korea, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales

By Tardsie
Fez

Joey Park Seen During His College Years

 

In Which We Celebrate Diversity.

Me & Joey

Good Times, Good Times…

 

Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted

13 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, News, Philosophy, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Afghanistan, alcohol abuse, American Civil War, Big Bang Theory, Bitcoin, Cal Poly, Chicago, death by automobile, death by Ebola, drinking games, Ebola, fraternities, Glee, grammar nerd, gut wounds, Illinois, Italian Stereotypes, Jewish people, Justin Bieber, keggers, lesbians, Maury Povich, Michael Jackson, pederasts, poor people, rich people, Samurai swords, San Luis Obispo, shopping sucks, Smaktakula's abiding love for his own voice, Superman, tritransitive verbs

By Smaktakula

The Real Question Isn’t Why We Don’t Bother To Read The Articles, But Rather, Why Everyone Else DOES?

In which, armed with nothing more than a severely attenuated attention span and an ignorance both boundless and sublime, we respond to the news headlines of the day without bothering to first read the articles.

***

Puppy survives after being locked in car for almost a month ~ And he’ll no doubt think twice next time before chewing Daddy’s new putter.

Will my wife learn to love her vibrator more than me? ~ Totally. Dude, you’re fucked. Not literally, obviously.

Do American Jews Live in a Cocoon? ~ How is it fair that you get away with saying a thing like that? That time when Smaktakula said that Jewish people were terrifying moth-like creatures, HE lost his job!

Good advice on dying more slowly ~Try for a gut wound. It’ll take you all day to die.

Superman took my virginity ~ Is but one of the many titillating revelations to be found in the pages of the forthcoming memoir, “I Was A Teenage Robin.”

"More Powerful Than A Locomotive." What The Hell Did You THINK Would Happen?

“More Powerful Than A Locomotive.” Just What The Hell Did You THINK Would Happen?

Did Your School Make This Exclusive List? ~ You know it didn’t, and I don’t think it’s very nice the way you keep asking.

Why is math easier for some kids than for others? ~ Because some kids are Asian.

Italian family buries mother they said was still alive ~ “She was…eh…how you say?…a beech.”

What Can Bitcoin Buy? No More Heroin, but Baklava and a Dinner Date ~ Yeah, well we can buy that stuff with grown-up money, thank you very much.

Funeral director says Chicago gun violence destroying city ~ “Which is why I moved my gigantic mansion to the suburbs. So sad.”

We All Deal With The Pain In Our Own Way.

Each Man Must Blaze His Own Trail Through The Forests Of Grief.

Puppy stolen at San Luis Obispo adoption event ~ We’d call that an undocumented adoption.

Killing a Patient to Save His Life ~ Is a notion that’s absurd on its very face.

It’s OK to Like ‘The Big Bang Theory’ ~ Look, simply saying a thing doesn’t make it true.

Poll: Did you ignore the experts’ advice on when to feed a baby solid food? ~ There are people who are willing to give you advice on that kind of thing?

CNN Poll: Afghanistan Least-Popular War in US History ~ Really? And not the American Civil War? ‘Cause in that one, literally everyone who died was one of our boys.

And Every One Of Them A Good Guy (As It Were).

And Every One Of Them A Good Guy (As It Were).

Why You Hate The Sound Of Your Own Voice ~ It’s like you don’t even know me.

Has ‘Glee’ Officially Taken It Too Far? ~ Oh, please. Okay, first of all, for something to be declared “official”, some sort of governing body must exist with the authority to make pronouncements regarding how far “it” has been taken. Moreover, in the ridiculously unlikely event that a network television show did somehow manage to find itself “taking it too far”, it’s a pretty safe bet that show wouldn’t be a cloying time-killer aimed at campy gay dudes and lonely spinsters. 

Man Returns from Prison to Find Dead Wife’s Mummified Remains ~ Right where he left them.

Man jumps to his death rather than continue shopping with his girlfriend ~ We’ve all been there, buddy.

Cal Poly proposal would ban kegs, drinking games at Greek parties ~ Hell, you might as well just got to a community college then.

PARTY!

You Know Who Owes Their Very Existence To The Fact That College Kids Once Hosted Keggers And Played Drinking Games?–My Children.

Samurai Sword-Wielding Lesbian Murders Woman With Her Car ~ Why does it matter that a) she’s a lesbian, and b) that she was wielding a Samurai-sword, since it was a car she killed the other chick with?

Does Any Language Have Tritransitive Verbs? ~ I’m kind of a grammar nerd, but even I want to shove your head into a toilet right now.

Jermaine Jackson — Michael Jackson Would’ve Set Justin Bieber Straight ~ By which he means that his brother would have molested a preteen Justin Bieber.

Where Did Ebola Come From? Likely One Person, Gene Study Finds ~ Well, that dude’s a dick, then!

Is sex only for rich people? ~ If that really were true, do you think there would still be so many poor people running around all over the place?

And If Countless Hours Spent Viewing Maury Povich Has Taught Us Anything, It's That Poor People Indeed Like To Do The Nasty.

And If The Countless Hours Spent Watching Maury Povich Have Taught Us Anything, It’s That Poor People Seem To Enjoy Doin’ The Nasty.

***

Hungarian Fone Kard

04 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in History, True-Ass Tales

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

backwater shithole, Budapest, culture, fun with foreigners, Hungary, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Travels With Tardsie, world cultures

By Tardsie

In which we are told we can have anything we want.*

*Certain conditions may apply.

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

Kennedy’s Death: The Lingering Question

22 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1963, best supporting actor is still an Oscar, don't hate us because we're ignorant, Lee Harvey Oswald, November 22, on this day in history, political assassination, Tommy Lee Jones

By Smaktakula

It’s been 50 years since that portentous Dallas day on which the dream of Camelot was terribly, irrevocably shattered. The ensuing half-century should have been a time for healing and succor. Instead, Kennedy’s memory is further dragged through the mud for each day that his killer is allowed not only to walk free, but to prosper.

When will Tommy Lee Jones be made to pay for his crimes?

And You People Gave Him The Oscar.

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

20 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

autism, Baby Hope, Barack Obama, batshit crazy, boobs, Chris Brown, conspiracy theories, crystal meth, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, Europe, ganja, global warming, God hates the left-handed, grass, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, Houston, JFK, Judaism, Latin America, left-handed people, legalize it, Love you Thorsie!, Martha Stewart, Michigan, MILFs, New York City, North Korea, obesity, places that suck, Poland, political assassination, pot, reefer, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, special needs, spying scandal, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Brady, twerking, weed, Wisconsin

By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Adam Jones, Afghanistan, Alaska, Andrea Barber, Argentina, Ashley Tisdale, Brazil, Cambodia, Chechnya, China, chubby chasers, dope, Egypt, Florida, ganja, Grenada, headlines, hemp, Iraq, Ivory Coast, John Kerry, Kim Kardashian, Kimmy Gibbler, left-handed people, Libya, Lollapalooza, marijuana, Mexico, Miley Cyrus, North Korea, Pakistan, Panama, pot, pr0n, Rangoon, reefer, Robin Thicke, Rome, Rwanda, Serbia, Sri Lanka, sweet sweet cheeba, Syria, the French, Tim Tebow, Vietnam, Vincent Van Gogh, weed, Zetas, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

  • 11 Social Security Mistakes People Make ~ The biggest one is assuming it will meet your post-retirement financial needs. That’s not a joke. That’s free advice.
  • Fla. girl who lost feet in lawnmower accident takes first steps on prosthetic legs ~ She’d better get used to those things quickly; that lawn isn’t going to mow itself.
  • Smaller Testicles Linked with Caring Fathers ~ Also known as ‘mothers.’
  • Health: Why I Would Vote No On Pot ~ “Because I’m a dick!”
  • Kim Kardashian on arrival of new baby girl: ‘Can’t believe it! It’s so crazy!’ ~ It seems nutty to us as well, but since you’re over 21 and haven’t been convicted of a felony, we guess you’re entitled to take that baby home if you want to.

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

  • Did Robin Thicke’s Wife Confront Miley Cyrus? ~ Oh my God, I’m sure I don’t know and what’s more, I couldn’t care less.
  • Men charged with attempting to bribe judge in Zetas case ~ In Mexico, being charged with bribery means that your bribe was insufficient.
  • New Vincent Van Gogh painting ‘Sunset at Montmajour’ surfaces ~ You really think that’s new? ‘Cause we’re not so sure.
  • Losing a Tattoo, Gaining a Tumor ~ “Oh, you know what? I think I’m gonna keep the tat for right now.”
  • What has Adam Jones been doing since he’s not walking? ~ Well, as you know, he’s been hard at work with his therapist in the desperate hope that he might someday regain the use of his legs. Dick.
  • Two men reportedly punch girl, 11, for Lollapalooza beach ball ~ Sounds pretty shitty, we know–but not to worry, the 11-year-old told us that prior to the assault, she had a ball.

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

  • Alaska serial killer tied to at least 11 deaths, FBI says ~ Holy shit! That’s like half the state.
  • Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too ~ And she will! Which is the whole reason young men go to college in the first place.
  • TV: What Happened To Kimmy Gibbler ~ I went to college with Andrea Barber, who played Kimmy Gibbler on the odious Full House (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen). You’ll be happy to know that Andrea was a lovely person who went on to have a real life. 
  • AP Analysis: Egypt enters uncharted territory ~ False. Egypt has moved very little in its long history, and it’s pretty well mapped-out.
  • The full-figured fitness instructor ~ Does not fill me with confidence.
  • My daughter took a girl to prom. Why did I let it bother me? ~ Because it’s just one more dashed hope that Dakota will follow in the family tradition of getting knocked up by graduation.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

  • Ashley Tisdale’s Stalker Won’t Leave Her Alone ~ Yeah, but if he did, what kind of stalker would he be?
  • 11 Little-Known Facts About Left-Handers ~ #6 They eat babies. We could have told you that.
  • Having It All Without Having Children ~ Pretty much the only way you can have ANYTHING is to not have children.
  • French sperm count ‘falls by a third’ ~ But it still tastes a lot like Béarnaise sauce.
  • Sorry, men and women probably can’t be friends ~ Do friends have occasional intercourse? Because if so, I think it’s totally workable.
  • Kerry says United States cannot be ‘spectators to slaughter’ in Syria ~ So we’re just gonna change the channel to something a little less ugly, like we did in Rwanda. And Argentina. And Grenada. And Cambodia.  And Panama. And Sri Lanka. And Vietnam. And China. And Serbia. And Brazil. And Iraq. And Ivory Coast. And Libya. And North Korea. And Mexico. And Chechnya. And Afghanistan. And Pakistan. And Rangoon. And Zimbabwe. And Egypt. And Sudan. And Central Africa¹ And Saudi Arabia. And…

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

  • What Your Car Says About Your Personality (You Might Be Surprised!) ~ That you’re a fool who entrusts his sense of self to an inanimate object that cares not one whit whether you live or die. 
  • Hiker lost in the Andes for four months lived on rats and raisins ~ It’s amazing the lengths to which some people will go just to survive. Seriously, raisins are fucking gross.
  • 3 Quiet Museums in Rome ~ Ha! No place is quiet in Rome. Oh. My. God. Those people don’t ever shut up.
  • You Found Your 13-Year-Old’s Porn Stash. What Should You Do? ~ Wash your hands with soap, scalding water and steel wool.
  • Tim Tebow to pursue ‘lifelong dream’ after release by Patriots ~ Gay porn–and lots of it!
  • Iranian officials take to Twitter to wish Jews a happy new year and welcome … ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!!

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

  • Testosterone Trick Leaves Wives Speechless ~ A magic ‘shut-up trick?’ We’re listening.
  • Smile: USA ranks 17th among world’s happiest countries ~ We’d rank higher, but some of those European countries are counting “gay” as happy.
  • Man Arrested for Killing 13-Year-Old Girl Made One Huge Mistake ~ Other than taking the life of an innocent child, you mean. Another huge mistake.
  • She’s fat, and I’m not ~ That makes you a chubby-chaser. There’s nothing wrong with that.
  • Man shot after performing forced fellatio ~ At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just can’t see this happening to me. If a dude ever put a gun to my head and demanded I go down on him, I’d give him the best damn BJ he ever had in his life. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even be able walk, let alone shoot me.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.

Headlines: Why Not Miss Saigon?

07 Tuesday May 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Angelina Jolie, cat ladies, childish sexual innuendo, Chopin, Cynthia Cooper-Dyke, Damascus, fashion police, grass, Harry Styles, hemp, Iraq, Jennifer Aniston, marijuana, pot, reefer, Seattle, sweet sweet cheeba, the Exodus, Tony Award, Vermont, weed, women in combat

By Smaktakula
Words to Live By

Much Like A Tramp-Stamp Which Reads “WHORE,” This Is A Great Example Of Truth In Advertising.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people … ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.

In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade ~ A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.

The road ahead for amputees ~ Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.

Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.

Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.

10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?

All That Pussy And No One To Share It With.

Angelina Jolie Ruins Jennifer Aniston’s Happiness. Once Again ~ Awesome!

Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.

Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper ~ He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’

Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.

10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.

An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?

“HERRO DORRY!”

Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?

Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.

Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!

Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth ~ #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.

5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.

The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?

It’s Been An Open Secret For Years.

FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict ~ KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!

10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.

4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat~ “We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”

Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.

16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.

Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.

SEE? Only MOST Of What We Have To Say Is Pure Bullshit.

Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.

Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.

Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.

Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ ~ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.

UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots ~ Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.

Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?

But If You Must Smoke ‘Em, It’s Healthiest To Use A Vaporizer.

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