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Tag Archives: fat people

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 World Series, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, comic books, death by hurricane, death by shark, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, dolphins, fat people, FDR, Geneva, great white shark, headlines, hurricanes, ignorance--it's what we do, Jersey Shore, Joe Biden, left-handed people, Louisiana, Meat Loaf, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, New Jersey, North Korea, polio, retarded, San Francisco Giants, Sandy, slut-shaming, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Switzerland, teachers, unfortunate ways to die, white people, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.

Headlines: 07.23.12

23 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, California, cannabis, cat ladies, death by automobile, Detroit, dope, drunken Irishmen, drunken Native Americans, fat people, fun with stereotypes, Hamas, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Israel, lame sports, legalize it, marijuana, medical marijuana, Michigan, Miss Holocaust, News of the Duh, Nobel Peace Prize, Penn State, phony diseases, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, sweet sweet cheeba, the navy's pretty gay already, the reefer, US Navy, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Who Reads This, Really? That’s An Awful Lot Of Words.

In which we’re presumptuous enough to opine on the day’s headlines, but too damn lazy to read the articles.

***

8 Things You Didn’t Know About Restless Legs Syndrome ~ One of them is that it’s not a real disease.

‘Cat ladies’ more likely to commit suicide, scientists claim ~ This and much, much more in next month’s issue of Stop the Presses! America’s Most Trusted Source for News of the Painfully Obvious.

Why Women Love One-Night Stands ~ They enjoy having drunken intercourse with a person they’ll never have to see again, much as men do.

Police identify bodies found in Detroit River ~ But that’s all the time we have tonight. If you didn’t hear the name of your loved one’s water-swollen corpse announced on tonight’s show, tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Fishin’ the Motor City.”

Fear of clowns is serious ~ Sadly, your commitment to real journalism doesn’t appear to be.

And A Mime Is Nothing But A French Clown, So Double-Bad.

Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals ~ If you enjoyed the furor surrounding “Gays in the Military,” you’ll love “Who Left the Fucking Seat up in the Head?”

Twitter reaction: Does Penn State deserve the death penalty? ~ Not sure. But let us ask you this: does an issue as serious as the death penalty deserve your clumsy metaphor?

Hamas Suspends Voter Registration… ~ It was a purely a question of human resources. One more man out registering voters means one less busload of dead Israeli kids.

Father, son lose 260 pounds after weight loss surgery ~ This extraordinary achievement didn’t happen overnight, folks–it took a single-minded focus, dedication to the cause and years upon years of effort before that surgeon became certified to suck the rivers of lard from those two human baleen.

Miss Holocaust Survivor’ crowned in Israel ~ We heard it was a gas.  (Oh, like this wasn’t already in abominably poor taste even BEFORE we arrived on the scene?)

No Matter What Atrocities We Commit Against One Another, We Can Never Quench The Essential Dignity Of The Human Spirit.

Arkansas marijuana proposal needs more signatures ~ Given that it’s Arkansas, all one needs to do to sign the petition is to be able to scratch out a crude X.

Proposal for ‘English only’ city council meetings sparks debate in Walnut, Calif. ~ If by debate, you mean a top-volume screaming match in a rainbow of exotic tongues.

Have a sexy walk? You’re probably having a LOT of orgasms ~ Smaktakula often experiences spontaneous orgasms while walking, and while it never fails to arouse comments from witnesses, it has never been described as “sexy.” Certainly not by the authorities.

Irishman survives after great white shark attack in Australia ~ That shark had just celebrated ten years of sobriety. He wasn’t about to go throw all that away for one Irishman.

My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him? ~ We’ll answer this one seriously, because our typical smartassery cannot hope to do justice to such a profoundly serious marital issue. ABSOLUTELY you should divorce him. Do it right now! It’s not fair that your husband should be chained for the remainder of his days to such a fucked-up, games playing, frigid bitch. And might we suggest choosing as your next mate a fellow who’s just been released from the penitentiary? Having been so long denied the company of a woman, he’ll no doubt treat you like the precious little flower that you are.

‎In some Olympic sports, the US just doesn’t make the grade ~Then you can’t really consider them sports.

Just Because Estonians Are Crazy About It, Doesn’t Mean It’s Worth Doing.

The Upside of Letting Your Child Fail ~ Always having that failure to lord over him.

If Pot Were Truly Legal, Joints Would Cost Only a Few Cents ~ Folks, very often when writing these things, a headline will inspire two or more different gags, and we go with the one we like best. The provocative title above inspires literally so many different responses (almost entirely rancorous and replete with four-letter words) that the inside of Smaktakula’s skull sounds like the trading floor of the New Delhi Stock Exchange five minutes before the closing bell.

10 Ways the World Could End ~ One of them is ‘It Was All Just A Dream!’ That is such a fucking cop-out.

Is It Time to Stop Fearing Islamism? ~ Wait a sec while we check to see what’s going on in the world…hold on, checking…ah, there we go…Nope–still pretty scary.

Native American Communities Affected by Climate Change Plan for the Future ~ They’re stocking up on Old Granddad & Wild Turkey as we speak.

He’s Got Us There. We’re Joking About An Epidemic That Is Destroying A Culture Even The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Couldn’t Crush.

Nobel Peace Prize winners say US must lead global peace efforts, wars should … ~ Continuing the bold behavior which earned most of them the Peace Prize in the first place, talking about what other people should do to lead peace efforts.

10 Signs That Death is Near ~ #4: Massive, unstoppable bleeding.

Medical Marijuana: A Patient Perspective ~ It’s great. Really, we can’t speak highly enough about it. Heartily endorsed.

Boston U graduate student dies in fall in Turkey ~ That’s so romantic. Turkey is lovely in the fall.

A dog’s last moments photographed ~ “Oh my gosh–the look on Shep’s little doggie face when he finally realizes the truck isn’t going to stop in time–is that NOT just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”

Headlines 06.20.12

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Afghanistan, bizarre sex acts, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, Egypt, English, fat people, Florida, Flowbee, gay people, headlines, Honduras, Jon Gosselin, LSD, Miley Cyrus, military coup, places that suck, prison, Rapture, Thailand, toddlers & tiaras, untalented stars, Why am I so fat?, zombies

By Smaktakula

Relax, Nobody’s Dead. They’re Talking About “Any Sensation Whatsoever.”

In which we comment on today’s headlines, without reading the articles.

If you’re like us, you instinctively distrust those pedantic know-it-alls who doggedly insist upon keeping abreast with the affairs of the day. Friends, reading weakens the legs.

***

Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.

Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.

Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.

Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.

One Of The Most Beautiful Countries On Earth. The Sucky Part Is That It’s Absolutely Crawling With Afghanis.

In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.

Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.

B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.

Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.

What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?

“Man, It’s A Mess In Here! Doesn’t Anybody Clean The Third Floor Any More?”

Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.

Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.

Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.

Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.

Ladies–If You Want To Hold On To Your Man, You’ve Got To Think Young!

Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.

How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.

Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.

Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.

Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.

Yeah, Dignity And A Well-Developed Sense Of Self Are Nice And All, But At The Same Time, You Can’t Squeeze Them And Make Honking Noises.

People Of Size Demand To Be Represented In Diabetes Commercials

27 Sunday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Commercials, death by obesity, Diabetes, fat people, obesity, people of size, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Snooki, United States of America, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Seriously, They’re Upset.

Anywhere you travel across this great land, you’re very nearly guaranteed to see obese people. Whether they’re wolfing down a score of Whoppers at Burger King or zipping through the mall on their scooters, with cell phones to their ears and an extra-large bucket of soda in the drink tray, their gelatinous buttocks spilling over the seat–blubbery humanoids are becoming an everyday facet of American life.

In our society, obesity is ubiquitous and inescapable: in the supermarket and at public events, at the mall or even the gym. However, there is one arena where America’s blubbery class is all but invisible: television. Corpulent faces are rare on television, and this is even truer in regard to commercials.

This Is No More Fanciful Than The Representations Made In Actual Diabetes Commercials.

Some activists want to change this paradigm, and show America a swollen, spotty face like the one it sees in the mirror every morning. Monty Robinson of Let America Respect Diversity (LARD), an advocacy group for people of size, believes the best avenue for this accurate depiction is diabetes commercials.

Currently, most diabetes commercials look like this:

Does the man in this clip look like anyone you know who has diabetes? No, the man is an actor, who doesn’t have diabetes. His middle-age paunch is his only nod toward obesity; he is only pretending to have this largely-preventable, first-world malady.

Advocates Feel That Reality-TV Star, Snooki (Seen Here), Would Make An Excellent Diabetes Spokesperson.

Obesity activists point out that African-American characters are portrayed by African-American actors, and that Asian actors portray Asian characters.  Why then aren’t diabetes sufferers portrayed by gelatinous fatsos? “It’s not fair,” says corpulent actor Randy Bumfield, “How is anyone supposed to believe that I just had my gangrenous leg amputated if I’m handsome, slim and trim?”

In Reality, Diabetes Isn’t So Pretty.

The reality is that the producers of these commercials will never see fit to accurately represent their target audience. Diabetes spots will continue to feature paunchy-but-healthy middle-aged actors, who think nothing of trampling underfoot the surprisingly-sensitive emotions of the doughy monstrosities they purport to represent. This doesn’t, however, mean that Americans of size need go entirely without recognition–not if the average citizen does his or her part.

So the next time you’re in McDonalds for a late-night McFlurry run, and you’re greeted by the barnyard sound of rank humanity inhaling its feed, don’t wrinkle your nose in disgust or take a photo to show your friends on Facebook. Instead, make a conscious choice for change, and approach one of these ‘people.’  Imagine how good he (or she) will feel when you tell him, ‘That should be you in the diabetes commercial!’

These Dedicated Young Actors Are Working Diligently To Perfect Their Diabetes Skills.

Vulgar Non-Sport Gets Collegiate

08 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

America the fat, America the sedentary, college athletics, competitive eating, conspicuous consumption, fat people, fatty fatty two-by-four couldn't get through the bathroom door, gurgitators, National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association, NCCEA, Rudy, United States of America, vulgar non-sports, waddling grotesquery, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Yesterday, I Was A Lazy Pile OF Guts, But Today, I Am An ATHLETE.

College athletics hold a special place in American hearts. In many American backwaters too rural to support a professional team, college sports serve to unite entire communities and regions in a shared passion. Moreover, fans of college sports claim a moral advantage over those of professional sports, as college athletes ostensibly play not for money, but for the love of competition. In this way collegiate competition achieves a transcendent purity absent from higher-level sports.

But Earning A Spot On The Varsity Fart-Lighting Squad Is Pretty Cool, Too.

That is about to change. Competitive eating, the vulgar non-sport which allows shambling, ham-fisted grotesqueries to masquerade as athletes, is now popping up on campuses across the nations like dark spots of malignancy in a lung X-Ray. Enter the National Collegiate Competitive Eating Association (NCCEA). This organization is dedicated to metastasizing this vulgar endeavor throughout institutions of higher learning across the nation.

Racy Photos Of Scantily-Clad Athletes Such As David Beckham, Danica Patrick Or This Dude Can Be Very Sexy.

And why not? Is it right that college athletics should somehow remain inviolate while a creeping tide of ‘weakest-linkism’ subsumes the college experience? In an environment where personal responsibility has been eschewed in favor of inclusion and empowerment in lieu of academics, it is only fitting that sport now too should trumpet the triumph of the mediocre.

Today This Little Pussy Would Have Whined His Way Into A Starting Spot.

Sports purists may have difficulty seeing the beauty and grace inherent in an activity where the competitors, or ‘gurgitators,‘ stuff themselves in an obscene culinary orgy only to vomit into their own mouths before swallowing it again, where glory is gained not through hour upon hour of practice, but by virtue of having been made a freakish living stomach by a capricious God. This hidebound and myopic viewpoint is terribly anachronistic, and fails to take into account the realities of our age of mediocrity. Today, when everyone is special regardless of his actual ability, it no longer matters if an individual strives to achieve a worthwhile and long-desired aim, or even, really, that he strives at all.

Oh My God, Can We Tell You? We Are Just So Fucking Proud To Be American Right Now.

The US is considering updating the nickname ‘The Land of Plenty’ to the more-current ‘The Land of Good & Plenties.”  ∞ T.

Headlines 03.06.12

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue

By Smaktakula

Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.

In which we opine upon the headlines of the day without first reading the articles.

***

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.

Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.

Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?

Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!

So Very Brave.

“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’

Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!

Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.

O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?

Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.

San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.

Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.

TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.

Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!

Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!

I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.

***

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII
  • Headlines XIII

Profiles In Dignity

13 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bob Dylan, Burt Bacharach, childish sexual innuendo, Danica Patrick, dignity, evolution, fat people, Hal David, love, moobs, Pedobear, Promethean Times' ongoing commitment to treating all peoples and cultures with dignity and respect, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Star Trek dorks, the myriad facets of gayness, Why am I so fat?

By Tardsie

Some Folks Just Can't Catch A Break.

“Someone showed me a picture and I just laughed
Dignity never been photographed”

Bob Dylan

***

In 1965, songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach opined that love was ‘the only thing that there’s too little of.’  As any starving child in a famine-ridden but over-populated country will readily tell you, there are a great many things much rarer than love, which turns out to be rather common.

Dignity, however, is a dying resource. Experts contend that long-term exposure to media and social diets low in dignity can lead to both spiritual and moral deprivation as well as physical degradation. To celebrate this unfortunate trend, we’ve taken amusing pictures from the internet, and added to the poignancy with our own comments.  Enjoy!

Bonus! The Tank Can Hold Up To A Magnum Of Diet Pepsi.

***

No Matter How Excited You Are, It's Never Okay To Douse The President In Your Personal Fluids.

***

How Many Different Kinds Of Gay Can You Spot In This Picture?

***

San Francisco Is The Only Ballclub Forward-Thinking Enough To Sponsor Its Own Pedophile Outreach Program.

***

There's A Fine Line Between Terrifying And Ridiculous. It's Called The 'Terrifyingly Ridiculous Line.'

***

It Would Appear That Star Fleet Academy Has Relaxed Its Entrance Requirements In Recent Years.

***

Look At The Size Of That Pussy! The One Under The Cat, We Mean (Oh, Don't Act So Shocked; You Love It When We Go Lowbrow).

***

The Ass-Belly Is The Most Disturbing Thing In This Image, And That's Saying Quite A Bit.

***

Someday You'll Be Able To Tell Your Kids About That Time You Made Danica Patrick Throw Up In Her Own Mouth.

***

You Can Laugh, But It's A Finely Tuned Evolutionary Adaptation To Life In Today's Fast-Paced Urban Environment.

***

So how do you go about getting yourself one of those aqua-scooters, anyway? < S.

Headlines 12.15.11

15 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History, Music, News, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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Tags

Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus

By Smaktakula
keegan fills 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.

***

Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.

Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you?  One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.

Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.

LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever  ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.

Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.

No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?

Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy.  Boys are called heroes.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work.  Barry was never hip.

Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus?  It’s Jesus, isn’t it?

“Go Broncs!”

Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.

Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.

This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!

The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.

Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico  ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”

What Has Come Before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X

Headlines 10.19.11

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII

By Smaktakula

Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.

Nothing but headlines.  You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.

***

Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.

Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer  ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.

36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last.  I wish I were dead.”

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.

“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”

Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.

Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.

Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.

He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.

Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’  ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”

Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!

At Least He Fed Them Well.

MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal  piss.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich.  What?  You asked.

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?”  *** “How do you think?  Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you.  God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.

What Won’t Paula Deen Fry?

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

fat, fat people, fried butter balls, fried foods, grease, heart disease, Jabba the Hutt, lard, obesity, oil, Paula Deen, suet, The South, unhealthy diets, whippets, white trash, Why am I so fat?, wideload

By Smaktakula

Paula Enjoys A Delicious Snack Of Sugared Veal Fat Fried In Hog Oil.

White trash TV personality Paula Deen thinks that if it’s worth eating, it’s worth eating fried.  To Deen there exists no substance which could not be improved with breading and a fifteen-minute soak in molten hog lard.  As evidence, we present Paula’s recipe for fried butter balls.  For you folks watching your weight, don’t worry–Paula cuts the butter with a little cream cheese.

Deen can afford to be adventurous.  At 64 years old, she has long outlived the life-expectancy afforded by her diet.  What won’t she fry?

Frying It In Bacon Fat Helps Keep That Orange Shit Off Your Fingers.

If You Don't Want To Fry It, You Can Always Participate In Another Tradition Of The South, And Get Real High By Sucking The Nitrous Out Of The Can.

Pork Rinds: Even Better When Fried A Second--Or A Third--Time.

Lard Mixed With Raw Sugar Works Better, But What The Heck, Right?

Just Kidding About This One. We Thought We'd Try To Slip It Past You.

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