Tags
bad grandparents, ballet, dope, drugs, FDR, fun with foreigners, ghost baby, grass, headlines, hemp, homosexuality in ballet, ignorance--it's what we do, JFK, Joe Biden, marijuana, minky moo, Neil Patrick Harris, Orange County, poor people, prostitution, Puerto Rico, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, War on Poverty, weed
By Smaktakula
“HEAD Lines.” Get It? Do You Get It? We’re In A Very Literal Place Right Now.
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Ass-Talking!
Ignorance!
Intellectual Laziness!
In which we respond to real headlines without first bothering to read the articles.
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Why nobody calls when you apply for a job ~ Because–and I mean this in the nicest way possible–you fucking suck.
7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders ~ Well, actually crippling them is one, obviously.
Neil Patrick Harris is happy to host the Emmys ~ ‘Happy’ is obviously code for gay. Think about it: who would actually enjoy hosting the Emmys?
‘Ghost baby’ born w/o blood in Orange County ~ That’s a ‘vampire baby’ you nitwit.
Police sting prostitutes after recent attacks on sex workers ~ “We’re protecting these women by aggressively prosecuting them for selling something they’d be perfectly within their rights to just give away.”
They Must Care An Awful Lot About You And Your Kids To Throw You In Jail Like That. By The Way, Where’s The Dude?
Why ‘war on poverty’ not over ~ ‘Cause there are still poor people left alive?
Grandpa Saves Himself, Leaves 3 Young Grandkids Behind… ~Gramps didn’t get as old as he has by taking a lot of unnecessary risks.
8 College Degrees with the Worst Return on Investment ~ Smaktakula has two of them!
JFK and FDR had 1 weird trick that can let you retire 100% tax-free. ~ And yet they both were forced to work right up until the time of their deaths. Sounds like a great trick.
Why Biden won’t win ~ Because, say what you will, America hasn’t completely lost its fucking mind.
If You Can’t Choose Between The Country Of Your Birth And America’s Age-Old Enemy, Canada, Then You Don’t Deserve To Be President.
Could you pass a US citizenship test? ~ Of course I can. I am neither stupid nor a foreigner.
3 Ways Guys Can Drop 20lbs Quickly ~ One is to hack off your own leg with a wood ax. You should probably check out the other two first, though.
Skiing in My Own Backyard ~ Is what poor people do.
What is a father supposed to call his daughter’s minky moo? ~ Ewww! Not that! Never that.
The Crisis in Contemporary Ballet ~ Well, for one thing, it’s completely gay–and not just in the homosexual way.
Right Off The Bat We Can Identify Like Four Different Kinds Of Gay.
Would you tell your kids you got high? ~ Oh man, I am so not looking forward to that conversation.
How Much Money Should Moms Be Paid? ~ Assuming Mom has a job outside the home, she should be paid approximately 70% of that job’s salary.
Why more Puerto Ricans are living in mainland U.S. than in Puerto Rico ~ Esto es “no-brainer.”
When my daughter ran into a burning car: to save her doll ~ We became childless.
Why You Should Color Your Gray At Home ~ Because nobody needs to see that grim Brillo-Pad of yours out in public.
If You Intend To Live Your Life Looking Like A Steel Wool Q-Tip, Be Sure To Devote Some Attention To Developing ‘Inner Beauty.’
Promethean Times 
Phil Spector has gotten really scary as he gets older. Sort of like my grandpa meets the Hairbear Bunch. (Oh, Lord, I am dating myself by mentioning that lovely 70’s era cartoon, but hey, we lived for Saturday morning back then!)
I recall the Hairbear Bunch. Didn’t they also have a live-action show?
PT has resurfaced. That’s good news for everyone! Unless you’re someone they’re poking fun at…
I had to click on the bloodless baby, thinking, “What absurd thing did they exaggerate with that headline?” But I have to admit, it’s a pretty incredible story, though they could have done away with the “ghost baby” tag. But I guess I clicked it, so the laugh’s on me.
Great post. Nice to see another headlines update!
I haven’t read the story, but it does seem kind of cruel to label a kid “Ghost Baby.” Perhaps I’ll go back to read that one–I do sometimes check the stories out afterwards, although not often. Struggling baby stories are sometimes tough, though. My older boys spent a month in the NICU: 3 lb. space aliens with huge eyes and all manner of tubes and wires sticking out of them to keep them alive in their baby-ovens. There were kids there in even worse shape, and one kid who was “normal” (size-wise) and looked like a gargantuan infant next to all the sickies. I’m sure you’ve seen a lot worse, but I’m a civilian!
Thanks, Connie!
Luckily, things turned out well for this ‘ghost baby’, which is amazing considering she lost 80% of her blood.
That’s a lot of blood! And it goes back to confirming my initial reaction–vampire baby, not ghost baby. I was right to reach back into my arsenal and pull-out the big guns by using the always-devastating “nitwit.”
Vampire Baby–sounds like a good premise for a book. Or a bad premise, more likely.
Stephen King touched upon it in his (IMO, which is the only O anyone needs to concern themselves with) greatest work, ‘Salem’s Lot.’
Also, are you familiar with ‘Bunnicula?’ He’s the reason your produce looks so dead and lifeless in the morning.
Dang that twoublemaking wabbit.
Dang that twoublemaking wabbit.
Yes, Elmer Fudd has a speech impediment, but that doesn’t give us license to mock it. Think about how you would feel.
I’d feel tewwible.
You’re back and still amusing all that stop in. Your blog reminds me of that old sitcom Married with Children sometimes, Smak. And I have to know what two degrees that you have.
Thanks, Brigitte! “Married With Children?” Well, I guess I see a resemblance there. And, I suppose it’s time to confess, I always thought Peg Bundy (Katey Sagal) was HOT. Plus, the hapless Bud did about as well with the ladies as I did back then (which is to say not well at all), so there was something I could identify with.
I chose my majors based more on what I was interested in and what I wanted to learn than on getting a job later in life. I joke a lot about that, but I don’t regret it. An undergraduate education isn’t about getting you ready for a particular field so much as it is polishing you off and making you the best you you can be.
Having said that, I have the most useless degrees outside of a philosophy degree. I’m a history & political science double-major, with a minor in English. With those credentials I can work in any video store, tobacco shop or car wash across this nation!
Nice to see you back and making me chuckle. I clicked on the degree link because I’m curious as well. I bet I hold at least one of them ( link didn’t work) nice pic at the end. Kinda resembles me.
I’m sure the resemblance ends there (or actually, that it doesn’t even START there–I’ve seen pictures). But just in case, I should ask: Are you either a creepy murderer or a talented music producer? Or both?
My secret life will remain such…
You’re in fine form again, Smak. and welcome back! I was curious about the ghost baby story, too, and I’m about as maternal as a table leg. If you’re still blogging when you get around to telling your kids you get high, I hope you record that announcement and embed it here.
Thanks, V! And seriously, re: “the drug talk,” I just might. Not long ago one of my seven-year-olds asked me, “Daddy, have you ever been arrested?” I’ve been thinking of writing about the conversation that ensued from that.
You haven’t missed a beat since you’ve been away, Smak. The “one weird trick” for FDR and JFK takes those ads to another level, I think. Or maybe just ties in with the prostitution sting story….
Ah, I love these comments on headlines.
Really enjoyed the headlines though god knows where I was when you published it and why I didn’t see it earlier. I suppose I could present video evidence that I was abducted by aliens though you might pick out the UFO looks remarkably like a trash can lid.
Foot-in-the-mouth Biden ought to be a contender, don’t you think? Just cause he’s swearing allegiance to our arch enemy should not disqualify him.
Who would be happy to host Emmy’s? Who would be happy to watch it?
Some good ones there, starting with the head line, which you still couldn’t call high brow humor.
which you still couldn’t call high brow humor.
Ha! Sorry about the late reply, Bumba–I’ve been having technical issues. I had to make sure I said something about that great/awful pun!