Tag Archives: true meanings of holidays

Christmas Fun!

25 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Culture, Culture, Religion

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By Smaktakula

Hark the Herald!

Q: Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?

A: Because he only comes once a year, and that’s down the chimney.

That’s Not Snow, Folks.

***

Q: What did the inner-city kid get for Christmas?

A: My bike.

You Might Not Recognize It When You Get It Back.

***

Jesus Christ was manning the front door of heaven one day when an old man arrived at the  pearly gates.

“Tell me about yourself, Old Man,” Christ commanded.

“I’m nothing special,” said the old man. “I am but a humble carpenter, but I was given a tremendous responsibility. I was step-father to a very special boy, a young man who took human form, but who was something more.”

Christ felt the sting of tears in His eyes. “Father,” He said.

“Pinocchio?”

“Suffer Not A Cricket To Live. Seriously, Crush That Snitchy Fucker With A Rock.”

***

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! ∞ T.

This Day In History: July 4, Every Year From 1777 CE To The Present

04 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, History

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On which inebriated Americans from all walks of life honor the nation’s birth with a variety of beloved and time-honored traditions, from bedside vigils in any of America’s many first-rate burn wards to the age old-custom of commemorating those bygone freedom-fighters by sacrificing several fingers in the memory of their valiant struggle.

“It Prolly Hurts Like A Sum’bitch, But After Thirteen Golden Nazis, I Can’t Feel A Thing. Hey, Is Someone Cookin’ Pork Rinds? DAMN, Whatever It Is Sure Smells Good!”

Kids, take it from someone who knows: the improper use of fireworks can REALLY fuck up your day. Have a super July 4th, everyone! ∞ T.

Flag Day

14 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Culture, History, Politics

≈ 9 Comments

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By Smaktakula

On which we celebrate a piece of cloth, but not the brave young men and women who died for it. They already have their own day.

The ‘USA’ Mentioned Here Is A Mid-Size Village In China.

Because we just don’t see enough of the flag these days.

No, That’s ‘Flag’ Day–With An ‘L.’ Your Day Will Come.

St. Paddy’s Day!

17 Saturday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture

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Promethean Times wishes you and your family a sober and dignified St. Patrick’s Day observance.

For One Day At Least, We Understand A Little Better What It Truly Means To Be Irish.

***

As my mother wept it was then I swore
to take my life as I would a whore
I know I’m better than before
I will not be reconstructed
Just wanna stay right here
on the sunny side of the street.
The Pogues

***

Ass Wednesday: A Holiday Of Your Very Own

22 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Religion

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By Smaktakula

Not This Kind, Silly. Today YOU Get To Be The Ass. It'll Be Fun!

We Americans are justly proud of our ignorance. Along with obesity and braggadocio, having our heads up our asses is the trait for which we are best known around the globe. Regardless whether you count yourself among these mouth-breathing legions of half-witted cretins, or rather, take pride in the fruits of your three semesters of community college, every American can bask in the oily thrill of being an ignoramus. Holidays like Ash Wednesday provide just such an opportunity.

"Oh Beautiful For Spacious Skies/For Amber Waves Of Grain/For Purple Mountain Majesties/Above The Fruited Plain..."

Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent, 40 days of rigorous self-denial practiced by Catholics and also by some of the lamer protestant sects. Catholics, in particular, mark the day by smudging their foreheads with ash as a sign of atonement to a God Who is, after all, pretty vengeful.

You Think He's Gonna Give Us A Lot Of Second Chances After What We Let Happen To His Boy?

Although you may be entirely familiar with the customs of this day, feigning ignorance should be simple enough.¹ When you see a friend, coworker or complete stranger with ash on his or her forehead, go ahead and ask about it. However, by no means should you ask with anything approaching decorum or propriety.  We recommend Hey–what’s wrong with your forehead? or Dude–you’ve got some shit on your forehead! The good-natured among your Catholic friends won’t rise easily to the challenge, and may even patiently explain the scriptural significance of the ritual the first several times you loudly call attention to dirty foreheads. But with dedication, persistence and a little luck, you’ll have established your asshole bona fides by lunchtime. Go get ’em, tiger!

"Yeah, I Get It. Please Shut Up Now."

¹Persons of Latin descent may experience additional difficulties in convincing people they know nothing of Catholicism. ∞ T.

Valentine’s Day: Embrace The Heartache

14 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

You Think You Do, Anyway.

Except for malodorous, house-bound misanthropes, no one wants to be alone. Humans are social creatures who seek comfort in the company of their fellows. Romantic love is particularly cherished, with lonely hearts sinking billions into online matchmaking services in the hopes of bringing at last to an end their soul-crushing isolation. The depths of humanity’s reverence for the emotion are so pronounced that fantastically ridiculous abilities are attributed to love, such as its apparent tendency to make the world go ’round or that ‘love is all you need.’ Love makes us stupid, and we like it.

You CAN Put A Price On Love. It's About 3,000 Hail Marys.

Valentine’s Day, February 14th, has been set aside to honor this most beloved of emotions. And like love itself, the holiday exerts a dizzying power over the senses, often leading to anxiety, despair and weight-gain. With all this going for it, who doesn’t love Valentine’s Day?

Lots of people, as it turns out. Those untouchables not fortunate enough to be in relationships despise the day, as it is a painful reminder of their empty, joyless lives, into which the light of fulfilment never shines. People in relationships likewise hate the holiday. Is it not enough, they reason, to eat meals, watch television and occasionally copulate with this barely tolerable person, without having to spend oneself broke attempting to bolster their self-esteem? Plenty of people have a beef with Valentine’s Day.

But given that the holiday has not only survived into modern times, but actually thrived, clearly, someone appreciates the annual homage to love.  So who does love Valentine’s Day? These guys:

The Love You Earn Is The Cash You Burn.

You know who else hates Valentine’s Day? Salman Rushdie and Bugs Moran. ∞ T.

It’s Groundhog Day!

02 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!"

On which, not unlike our superstitious, cave-dwelling, moon-worshipping ancestors, we seek guidance on the mysteries of nature from a hyperthyroid rat named Punxsutawney Phil. Legend has it that if Phil sees his own shadow on February 2, you’ll be doomed to repeat the same awful day of your life–taking piano lessons,  assaulting insurance agents and killing time with Chris Elliot–until you mend your selfish ways.

Punxsutawney Phil Is No Less Reliable Than This Asshole.

Regardless Of Whether He Sees His Shadow, Phil Can Expect Six More Weeks Of Buggery.

This post is dedicated to Ned Ryerson, and to hard-working insurance professionals throughout the United States and Canada. ∞ T.

Celebrating Friday The 13th

13 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by in Cinema, Culture

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By Smaktakula

Much Like Cookies For Santa, Good Boys And Girls Leave Out A Plate Of Pickled Eggs For Jason.

Spare some time from your busy schedule today to reflect upon the true meaning of Friday the 13th, on which the vengeful spirit of Jason Voorhees crawls from its unquiet grave to once again walk the earth, dismembering oversexed teenagers in strange and novel ways to remind a desperate world that abstinence is still the best policy.

Remember Kids: Sex Kills.