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Tag Archives: cocaine

Headlines: In Fact, Yes We Did

10 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, cannabis, China, cocaine, coke, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, Ellen DeGeneres, fun with stereotypes, gay people, has-beens, headlines, hemp, HIV, India, Kirstie Alley, Lady Gaga, leukemia, marijuana, Mark Hamill, merry widows, Nazis, NFL, Pakistan, Pittsburgh Pirates, places that suck, pot, prostitution, reefer, Rolling Stones, Space Shuttle Endeavour, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

By Smaktakula

“Yes, Bonnie–Mr. Clinton Is Aware Of Your Article. But The Former President Is A Very Busy Man, And We All Think It’s Best If Maybe You Don’t Call Any More.”

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the articles.

***

Are You Coddling Your Grandkids? ~ If you’re not, then you’re a lousy fucking grandparent.

Survey: Chinese Opinions of Obama, U.S. Slipping ~ That’s got to be paraphrased. We challenge you to find a Chinese person who can correctly pronounce the English word ‘slipping.’

Fighting Boredom, Not the Nazis ~ Sure–it’s a lot less lethal for one thing.

India Is Becoming Pakistan ~ Do you mean that India is only pretending to be a US ally and that portions of its intelligence service are actively working to thwart Western aims? Or did you just mean that it’s crowded and smelly? Because that’s not news.

Why I Married a Black Woman ~ It’s a pretty safe bet that anything we come up with will be countered with a swift and unequivocal “OH NO YOU DI’NT!”

But We Didn’t Say Anything! We Just . . . Aw, We’re Fucked, Aren’t We?

Can Robots Bring Manufacturing Jobs Back? ~ For robots, yes.

Men who weren’t strong as boys are more likely to die young as adults: study ~ So weaker specimens are less likely to survive into adulthood? Has anyone told Charles Darwin about this?

HIV helps put girl’s leukemia in remission ~ Hooray?

NFL retirees more likely to have depression and cognitive problems, brain study … ~ And it’s not because they were sad, boring turds to start out with?

Learn Why Her Husband’s Death Convinced Linda to Retire Early ~ Because the sudden loss at last brought home to her the beautiful fragility of every human life, and taught Linda that to truly be alive, one must truly live. That and the massive insurance payout.

Which Is Why We Refuse To Buy Life Insurance. Our Loved Ones Shouldn’t Be Subjected To That Kind Of Temptation.

Humans Said Cheese 7500 Years Ago ~ According to Dictionary.com, the word appeared sometime around 1000 CE, so somebody’s lying.

Delayed 911 response a matter of geography and jurisdictions ~ Meaning, if you live in the ‘hood, better put some ice on that. It might take a while.

Prosecutors: Redmond man caught on tape raping dogs ~ The perp claims that the sex was consensual, and that when he asked the bitch how she liked it, she said ‘rough.’

Call Girl Culture: High-priced prostitution one of Hollywood’s dirty little secrets ~ Well, that may be news in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy, but it’s hardly a secret to folks who grew up wearing shoes.

Former Pirates owner tells Times he’s gay ~ As if hanging with all those pirates hadn’t clued us in a long time ago.

Even The Cast Of GLEE Playing Tetherball With The Teletubbies While Belting Out Showtunes On The Back Of A Pink Unicorn That’s Prancing Around A Maypole Couldn’t Outgay This Pirate Queen.

Alabama man fights to keep wife buried in front yard ~ Boy howdy! Does he EVER. But that no-good hound-dog of his won’t stop digging up Amy-LaVonne’s corpse and re-burying it down by the crick.

Ellen Degeneres Speaks Out Against “That Time of the Month” Jokes ~ Yikes!–sounds like SOMEBODY’s on the rag.

‘A sad day for people with disabilities’ ~ “But on the other 364 days of the year, I thank God that a Pepsi truck crushed my legs.”

Camp Pendleton works to save species in peril ~ Which was a challenge for the Marines, as what they mostly do is kill things.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour rolls along Crenshaw Drive ~ This just in–Space Shuttle Endeavour is missing!

Insurance Will Take Care Of Everything But Your Deductible, But You Can Forget About The Resale Value.

Teacher: ‘I wanted to be the last thing they heard, not the gunfire’ ~ “And to make sure they heard me over all the racket, I yelled ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!'”

Worried about Lady Gaga’s weight gain? Chill, she isn’t ~ Sorry, we weren’t listening. We were trying to figure out why Kirstie Alley sounds like Lady Gaga all of a sudden.

Mark Hamill weighs in on the future of ‘Star Wars’ — EXCLUSIVE ~ “They said they might let me sweep up around the set!”

Rolling Stones kick off 50th anniversary tour ~ The only thing those testosterone-drenched septuagenarians should be kicking is either a habit or the bucket.

The $250 Halloween treat ~ Cocaine!

Best Avoided: It’s Pretty Pricey, And Worse, Turns You Into An Asshole. Weed, On The Other Hand, Is A Lot Less Likely To Result In A Domestic Abuse Arrest. That’s All We’re Saying.

Headlines 08.16.12

16 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, Atlanta Braves, Aurora Massacre, Big Pharma, Camaroon, China, cocaine, dope, drunken Irishmen, Facebook, free speech, gay people, Germany, grass, Handi Wipes, headlines, hemp, hippies, hookers, marijuana, places that suck, pot, reefer, Sikh Massacre, slavery, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Son of Sam, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

If We Can No Longer Trust The Krauts To Be Racially Sensitive, What Hope Is Left?

In which we opine on the day’s headlines without first reading the stories.

***

Amelia Earhart: Better feminist than pilot? ~ Let’s fucking hope so!

Study: Rich, poor Americans increasingly likely to live in separate neighborhoods ~ Because in times of old, the industrialist robber barons preferred to slum it among the great unwashed.

A Facebook ‘Like’ Is Free Speech ~ At its most cowardly and least significant.

Olympic female badminton players face charges ~ You just don’t see this kind of thing happening with the goodminton players.

‘Son of Sam’ Killer: Aurora, Sikh Massacres ‘Senseless’ ~ But if, for example, a dude killed couples who were making out in cars ’cause a talking dog told him to do it, that would make a lot more sense.

“The French Embassy, Benny. Tomorrow, Noon. No Survivors.”

Alzheimer’s drug research halted ~ “To be fair, we didn’t halt it precisely, but rather we…ah…we…Are you my grandson?”

‘I don’t want my friends to die on my birthday’ ~ Same here. We’re holding out for Christmas.

Think You’re Gay? It Shows in Your Eyes ~ Ha!–You’ve got the Queer Eye.

7 Cameroon athletes missing from Olympic village ~ “Hey! The flight back to our jerkwater African Republic leaves in an hour! You guys will be so pissed if you miss it!”

Researchers doubt positive aspects of medical marijuana ~ And by ‘researchers’, we mean Justice Department fart-catchers and their Big Pharma masters.

Dude, If You REALLY Want To Help The Cause, Maybe Grab A Shower And Cut That Rat’s Nest Off Your Head.

US Presidential Election Takes Negative Turn ~ Verily. It is our most fervent hope that the scurrilous example set by both the Adams and Jefferson campaigns shall not be repeated in 1800’s presidential contest.

Are Team USA’s $500 Leotards Worth It? ~ Well now, that depends–have you guys already laundered them or are they still stinky? And do you accept PayPal?

Autopsy inconclusive for Obama staffer remembered as dedicated to campaign ~ He found out too late that the Kool-Aid comes at a pretty high price.

His other car is on Mars ~ Oh, he’s lying to you, honey. He ain’t got no other car.

Octopus hitches ride on dolphin’s genitals ~ Hey, we’ve got an idea: who wants to go fishing?

He’s Wearing One Right Now!

What it feels like to be attacked by a great white shark ~ Obviously, each  experience is unique and subject to myriad factors which can influence the outcome. However, agony and intense terror usually figure in there somewhere.

Irishman gives expert Olympic sailing commentary ~ “Ah fookin’ telt ye ah know fook all abaht boots, but ye can’t fookin’ oonerstan me, can ye, ye wee daft fookers?”

Exercise termed ‘Wonder Drug’ ~ Trickery is the only way to get fatties to try it.

21 Burned in Walk Over Hot Coals at Robbins Event ~ We have a modicum of sympathy for the first couple fire-walkers, but if you’re idiot #21, who’s just been asked to please step aside so the paramedics can get through, why not “go big” and just walk across the coals on your face?

Braves give Smoltz team’s highest honor ~ The Tomahawk Chop!

Often Native Americans Would Perform This Ceremony While Loitering Outside Stadiums On Game Day, Selling Loose Tickets. The Name Just Stuck.

Tavis Smiley: Poverty is the new slavery ~ So, did they not have poverty back in olden times? Otherwise, poverty is still poverty, and you’ll have to look a little harder to find the new slavery.

Why Certain Countries Dominate the Games ~ Because certain countries are naturally more awesome than others. That, and China cheats.

‘Mentally disabled’ man executed in Texas ~ Beginning writers often muddy their prose with extraneous words. Incisive, elegant writing means eschewing redundancies. This sentence should read “Texan executed.”

Live Alone? You’re Not Alone ~ But really you are. Very much alone.

Picking up more than a hooker ~ Well, sure–you can’t forget cocaine & Handi Wipes.

‘Cause It’s For Sure Gonna Get Messy.

The Elderly Are Right About One Thing At Least: Kids Today Have It Too Damn Easy

21 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

cocaine, dope, drugs, grass, hemp, Kentucky, kids today, Lindsay Lohan, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, marijuana, Mexico, nutmeg, PCP, Piggly Wiggly, places that suck, pot, Reddi-Wip, reefer, Somalia, Special K, spice rack highs, sweet lady meg, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, whippets

By Smaktakula

The Old Days Sucked. The Only Two Pleasures In Og's Wretched Existence Were Warm Bearcat Stew And, Apparently, Humping A Bag Lady.

One of the universal cornerstones of adulthood is the opportunity to bitch vociferously among the members of one’s own generation about how easy kids have it today. That every generation since the dawn of history has engaged in comparing the young unfavorably to itself might be viewed simply as exaggerated flights of reminiscence into the misty days of an idealized youth. However, one has only to note the tremendous progress and scientific innovation of our species, which has pushed back the thick crust of suck that once covered the earth entirely, but is now puddled around the globe in places like Mexico, Somalia or Kentucky. Indoor plumbing, the internet and fake boobs, among other technological marvels, have made the lives of each subsequent generation better than that which preceded it When an older generation complains about how good the ‘kids today’ have it, they’re usually right.

Yeah, But For Most Of Us It's Gotten Better. You Hang In There!

Nowhere is this more true than in the realm of illicit drugs. Despite their official prohibition, drugs have become increasingly available since the 1960s. In the ensuing five decades, LSD has come and gone and come again several times and Quaaludes® have disappeared entirely, but the availability of intoxicants, bolstered by new or newly rediscovered drugs like ketamine, PCP and methamphetamine, has only increased. Moreover, several states have legalized marijuana.¹ And for those who, despite the pharmacopoeia readily available to the young and old alike, are somehow unable to find anything else, spice rack highs like nutmeg² are as close as your local Piggly Wiggly.

They Didn't Always Come Boxed Or In Flavors. Back In Our Day, Going To The Supermarket For Whippets Meant That Your Buddy Kept A Lookout While You Sucked Down Reddi-Wip Like Lindsay Lohan On A Coke-Flavored Dick.

¹Marijuana has been legalized in these states for medical patients only. You must have a valid medical condition, such as a tummy ache, before getting a prescription for the sweet, sweet cheeba. ∞ T.
²For reals–in sufficient quantities, nutmeg is an hallucinogen. Equally for reals–stay as far away from Lady Meg as you can, for she is wicked and cruel. Trust us on this one, kids. ∞ T.

Meth For Dummies/Crack In The Cracks

14 Wednesday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

America on drugs, cocaine, crack, crack pipe, crystal, dope, drug epidemic, drugs, faces of meth, glass teat, grass, hemp, ice, marijuana, meth, methamphetamine, pot, reefer, rock, sweet sweet cheeba, Walmart, weed, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Legal Or Illegal: America Loves Its Drugs.

Although potentially-legalized marijuana is the greatest crisis facing contemporary society, it is by no means the only drug insidiously devouring a generation.  Below, we present a brace of cautionary tales which illuminate the true horrors and depredations of America’s drug epidemic.

A Bigger Threat To Society Than Hitler With A Bad Migraine.

One advantage methamphetamine has over other illegal drugs is that it can be made just about anywhere, using common household products.  This ubiquity has caused meth, the little drug that could, to take off like a rocket across the United States.

Each Image Is Someone You Could Reasonably Imagine Encountering At Walmart.

It turns out, however, that there yet places where the manufacture of methamphetamine remains a poor idea, as Alisha Halfmoon discovered to her regret.  The brain-addled crank enthusiast was arrested in a Tulsa, Oklahoma Walmart after spending six hours in the back of the store whipping up a batch of crystal.

But Maybe Not At Walmart.

But of course meth isn’t the only drug causing Americans to do stupid and degrading things.  Crack, considered by many to be ‘yesterday’s scourge,’ is still ruining lives across the nation.  Among those enslaved by the glass teat is one Ella Jo Price of South Carolina.

We're Not So Sure; It Inspired This Adorable Street Art, Didn't It? And It's 'Whack' By The Way.

Perhaps believing that it’s better to have something and not need it than to need something and not have it, Price had two crack pipes secreted on her person when police pulled her and another man over for speeding in early December.  Although initially resistant to hand over the paraphernalia, when the police became insistent, Price produced the two crack pipes from the foul crannies in which she’d secreted them, her crotch and buttocks respectively.

Seal That One Tight, Boys.

True Facts:ThunderCats

13 Tuesday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cartoons, cocaine, drugs, Lion-O, Mumm-Ra, Orko, Snarf, television characters, ThunderCats, true facts

By Smaktakula

"Lion-OYouJustDon'tGetItMan!Mumm-Ra'sWatchingUsRightNowMan.AlwaysWatching! HeyWho'sGonnaGiveSnarfALittleBump?"

The ThunderCats‘ grating mascot, Snarf, had a coke habit like you wouldn’t believe–hence the nickname.  He was replaced on final season of the show’s original run by Orko.

"I Just May Be The Lamest Character Ever!"

Drive Safely When There’s Coke In The Trunk, Kids

05 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, chicken, cocaine, coke, drugs, Florida, guns, idiots, multitasking, perfect storm of stupidity, police car, poor judgement, Shawn Smith, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

He's Right To Look Dejected: The Man's A Fucking Idiot.

On June 10th, 2011, a perfect storm of stupidity caught luckless moron Shawn Smith in its pitiless grasp. Smith’s troubles began when his car nearly collided with a police car, leading to a traffic stop.  The cataclysmically-retarded Floridian no doubt regrets the erratic driving caused in no small part by his failure to maintain control of his automobile while engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation and enjoying a delicious chicken dinner.  He likely also regrets the pile of cocaine and the multiple handguns which the cop subsequently found in his vehicle.

Cocaine: It Can Make You Do Stupid Shit.

Hef’s Former Skank Calls Him “Dead Fish”

01 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Burt Bacharach, Cher, cocaine, decadence, drugs, fading glory, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, Izabella St. James, living in squalor, old people, Playboy, porn empire, pornography, senility, sexual dysfunction, skanks, Sylvia Miles, Viagra

By Smaktakula

Hot, Retarded And Completely Lacking Dignity?--Yes. Discrete? No.

According to his former floozy Izabella St. James, Hugh Hefner doesn’t just look, smell and act like an incontinent old man–he makes love like one as well.  In her cleverly titled new book, Bunny Tales, St. James claims that the 84 year-old is a sexual ‘Dead Fish’ who simply lies on the bed while a nubile and semi-retarded teenager humps him furiously.

St. James’ revelations shatter more than just the popular image of Hef as a ladies’ man and all-around-stud.  According to Hef’s former harlot, even the famed Playboy Mansion has seen its luster fade.  The once-fabulous pleasure palace of 10,000 delights is now a shabby and echoing ruin, festooned with dogshit and reeking of urine.

The Playboy Mansion Has Seen Better Days

Hefner lost his virginity at the decidedly un-swinging age of 22, and has spent the next six decades attempting to account for this tardiness.  During Playboy’s Watergate-era heyday, the Mansion would throb with orgiastic depravity while sill managing an air of class and swinging sophistication.  And Hef–whether he was snorting lines off Cher’s ass or balls-deep in a group-grope with Sylvia Miles and Burt Bacharach–was right in the middle of it all.

Thanks To A Combination Of Dementia And Cataracts, This Is The Face Hef Sees In The Mirror Every Morning.

But forty years is a long time–a lifetime in third-world countries–and not even Hefner’s famed virility could withstand the implacable ravages of time.  The miracles of modern science, most particularly Viagra, have allowed Hef to make a pretense of his old existence by breathing life into the old man’s withered dingus.

But science has no answer for the rest of Hef’s age-related ailments.  And now, Hef uses his dwindling fortune to make a charade of the life which for one musk-drenched moment in time saw him on top of the world.  He perpetuates this rather sad fantasy in the vain hope not to stave off time, but to help him forget that he’s a crumbling old man with the hearty, virile penis of a healthy sixty-five year old.

i roted this books all by myself lol

*

*

Lohan: The Time To Hit That Is Now

25 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

celebrities, Celebrity Death Watch, cocaine, Did she jump or was she pushed?, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, IPO, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay's boobs, NSFW, Schnapps, skankery, skanks, tick . . .tick . . .tick, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Former child star Lindsay Lohan revealed recently in an international statement that she was not currently in a relationship, declaring “I’m available.”  Men and women between the ages of 16-65 who have yet to engage in casual, anonymous sex with a celebrity or semi-celebrity are encouraged to apply.  Millions will enter, and potentially thousands will win.

There exists no accurate way to determine the duration of the opportunity window for just about anybody to bang the Flower of American Skankhood, but it will in all likelihood be extremely short-lived.  Lohan will either stage a comeback, at which point she will return to sexual standards most likely precluding carnal relations with an unemployed Best Buy sales associate, or as is far more likely, she’ll be dead.  Act now!

The Clock Is Ticking. For Quickest Results Bring Coke And Root Beer Schnapps. No, Not Coca-Cola.

Note: Lindsay appears serious about her IPO.  In just-released (and deliciously NSFW) photos, Lindsay displays her considerable assets for those potential buyers who have yet to see them.

Underage Hitman Is Idol Of Boys Worldwide

15 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Agent Cody Banks, Arturo Beltran Leyva, badassery, badassery as a legal defense, bling, border, California, cocaine, Cuernacava, drugs, Edgar Jimenez Lugo, El Negro, El Ponchis, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, hitboy, hitman, Julio Padilla, La Barbie, Mexican Army, Mexican drug cartel, Mexico, narcos, pussy, San Diego, Tijuana, United States of America, Yolanda Lugo Jimenez

By Smaktakula

Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero.   In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years.  He became a hitman.

"Yo Tengo Mi Mente En Mi Dinero Y Mi Dinero En Mi Mente."

Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel.  Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.

Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang.  Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.

No Es Bueno: It Turns Out That Being A Narco's Lady Entails More Than Just Carats and Coke.

Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels.  Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.

Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego.  Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.

That's Right, Barbie: He's Younger, More Famous And Has A Better Nickname.

However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born.  Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.

Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire.  For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.

Pussy.

Your Write-In Campaign For Loser Star Unnecessary

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

America has ceded her humor advantage to the Canadians, Betty White, Buddy the Elf, Canada, Canada is world's funniest country, cocaine, coke, Cokie Monster, Cookie Monster, drugs, fellatrix, Golden Girls, has-been, kitsch, Larry the Cable Guy, last surviving Golden Girl, loser, Mike Meyers, Mr. T, New Coke, North Korea is the world's unfunniest country, Party On!, pop culture, repetition ad nauseum, Ron Burgundy, Saturday Night Live, SNL, SNL alumnus, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the laughs race, the unfunnying of America, United States of America, untalented stars, Wayne's World, Will Ferrell, World War II, write-in campaign, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

One of the great surprises in television this year was the write-in campaign for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live.  As the last surviving Golden Girl, the honor was certainly due her, and although we didn’t see the episode, we understand it was a big hit.

Before SNL Existed To Tell Us What Was Cool, We Had To Make Those Judgments Based Solely On Merit.

As in any instance when an unexpected event proves a resounding hit with the fans, SNL’s producers will be tempted to continue with the formula.  Fortunately, SNL has always kept itself away from the practice of abusing an amusing premise by wringing from it every last drop of funny and then casting it aside upon the dust heap of pop culture.

Party On, Wayne! And On.

But of course people will try.  Typing “Dear SNL Please Let Host,” reveals two names most prominently–Ron Burgundy and Buddy the Elf–both characters made somewhat famous by turn-of-the-century funnyman Will Ferrell, himself an SNL alumnus.  A cadre of jaded do-nothings is mounting a serious attempt to return Ferrell to television.

Fact: Paunchy Blond Guys Well-Over Six Feet Tall Are Not Funny. Don't Believe Us? Name One.

This is both dangerous and irresponsible.  Whether motivated by pity or a sense of kitsch, keeping Ferrell’s career alive is a benefit to no one, least of all the former celebrity.  Repeated studies have demonstrated that exposure to comedians like Ferrell or Larry the Cable Guy is arguably the greatest single factor in the unfunnying of America.  Once the funniest country in the world, America ceded first place to Canada sometime in the mid-1980s.  For posterity’s sake, and for Ferrell’s as well, let the man’s career die with a modicum of dignity.

Betty Has Never Gone Back.

Even fictional–although arguably more talented–characters are trying to launch their own write-in campaigns to appear on the comedy program.  Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster has an SNL audition tape, and is reportedly very serious about seeking a hosting gig.  Privately, industry insiders say that the monster has very little chance of success; a reputation for no-shows and erratic behavior have earned him the nickname “Cokie” Monster.

"thenmesaidMEWANTCOOKIEbuttheycouldn'thandle *HNFFF!* couldn'thandlemebeingrealy'knowMEWANTCOOKIEWHATTHEFUCKME *HNFFF!* MEHAVETODOTOGETFUCKINGCOOKIE! goddamncookiemonsterfeelinallright!"

The great Betty White write-in campaign of 2010 brought a brief spontaneity to television, a medium noted for being anything but.  But if we’ve learned anything from such travesties as the New Coke, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and World War II, it’s sometimes best just to leave the original as it is.

Don't Be Naive. You Really Think Betty Got The Job Through A Write-In Campaign?

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